Swandive

end of the week wisdom

2007-11-16T12:45:00.000-05:00

it's been a long week....it's gonna be a long month i think. and so, while trolling youtube for l word clips to steal for my current project, i had the following thought:

"you know something in your life needs to change when you find yourself envying the lives of the l word ladies"

this i think, is excellent advice.

i don't know if it's my desire to be friends with alice or make out with dana/bette/carmen/occasionally helena, or just have a drink at the planet with tina and complain about what a stupid bitch jenny is, but this week i've found myself with an odd desire to be a part of this crazy little fictional world.

maybe bc they're this like whole group of lesbians that are all friends. i'd like one of those.

maybe bc they all seem to have enough money and time to drink endless cups of coffee and buy expensive dinners even when half of them wouldn't actually have that much money in real life (like the Friends crew...those ppl never worked, had fantasic apartments and spent most of their time drinking coffee).

maybe it was just bc i was watching the hysterical clip of the basketball showdown and they looked like they were having so much fun and i'm so so not having fun or forseeing any fun in the near future.

either way, sitting here just now, wishing i was talkin' shit to papi and passing alice the ball (no (rhi) that was not meant to be taken as innuendo, although she was very very cute last season) i realized that this is not a good sign. a subtle cry for help from somewhere in my brain, warning me that i need to find my own "lesbian basketball game" (in this case i was going for sort of a metaphor - i have no b-ball skills nor do i plan to aquire any - what i mean here is i need to find something to make me run around and laugh and enjoy life and get rid of whatever stupid mood/phase/whateverthefuck is going on lately and get back into the metaphorical "game" and get the fuck outta my head).

i have no idea how to do this. the things that weigh on my mind these days are things i have no control over. i can only control my action-reacation to them. perhaps getting a few more therapy sessions in is a good idea but i don't want to use the time and money.

so in the meantime i'm gonna replay my lesbian basketball clip to make me laugh, refill my coffee and go sit on the patio (the one and only cool thing about this work space) and smoke a cigarette to quiet my mind enough to have at least a somewhat productive day at work. and eventually, i'll figure it all out - this phase of my life, with constant change and transistion - eventually i'll figure out how to build my own foundation to keep my feet on the ground in deference to whatever hailstorm of job/family/relationship/life is happening around me.

and to make this even longer, some key quotes from my favorite clip of the day:

papi to bette: what are you doing rodeo drive?
bette (as she steals the ball): shopping bitch

bette: goddamnit we're losing
jenny: you're scaring me
bette (chucking ball at jenny's head): ball in!

papi: don't be mad brown barbie
bette: who the fuck you callin' brown barbie you fucking carmalita tropicana

Today's Letter is L

2007-10-25T16:54:00.000-04:00

My last few days at CBS Interactive before my little "I'm off to cut a concert" hiatus have turned into an unsupervised L Word marathon and what a ride the last 8 hours have been. I've gone from Lust (Carmen! Oh Carmen, how I miss you on this show...seeing you again, in those little shorts...those cleavage revealing shirts...in that scene where you have that whole garter get up...sigh, I can barely contain myself, which is sad, as I'm at work) to Loss (Dana is dying of cancer, it's sad. I miss her on the show too, whoever thought it was a good idea to ditch these two in the same season should be fired) and back to Lust (Carmen! Shorts! Tits! Hot!). One minute I want to be having sex and the next I'm on the verge of bawling my eyes out. I think I need a valium just to level me out.

I want to go to Indonesia

2007-10-11T16:27:00.000-04:00

as a result of my current cbs interactive gig, i spend a lot of time on youtube these days, doing all kinds of random searches for random bits and pieces of things to steal or be inspired by, or just to watch when i get bored. today, i stumbled across some ads made by the indonesian toursim board. and now i want to go. also, i could currently use a nap.

the magic of astrology

2007-10-03T13:15:00.000-04:00

my horoscopes for today/this week amuse me.

"It's a wizardly day for you if you are willing to plunge fearlessly into the darkness. Your spells and enchantments can cook up an intense feast, yet it may be difficult for you to control the menu once you begin. Don't get distracted by your own personal tastes. The real power is in being able to let go of control. If you do, you will not fail."

learning how to gracefully let go of control is something i think i'll be trying to figure out for a long time to come....

"ARIES [March 21–April 19] In the Yaghan language of Tierra del Fuego, mamihlapinatapai is a word meaning "gazing into each other's eyes, each hoping that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start." If I'm reading the astrological omens correctly, you've been experiencing some version of this poignant deadlock lately. It may have made sense for you to refrain from making the first move up until now, but it no longer does. Get yourself in a generous mood and provide the jump-start you've both been hesitant to try."

figured my gf would appriciate that one. haha.

ok, ok

2007-09-25T23:27:00.000-04:00

in response to the harassment regarding the fact that i haven't put anythng new here in a month or something like that....here is something, i'm putting here. i don't actually feel like writing a real blog, clearly, i haven't for some time...which does not mean, by any means, that i'm lakcing in thoughts or feelings or anything of the kind...it's exactly the opposite in fact...yet...i haven't felt like writing a blog for whatever reason...but, here, is something (and of course i chose song lyrics to be that something), do with it what you will (if u can tell me who said them all with out cheating and using google you get an as yet undtermined prize).

"try to see it once my way, everything zen, everything zen, i don't think so"

"got a machinehead better than the rest"

"i want to be the girl with the most cake"

"The storm is coming but I don't mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now."

"Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys."

"The world I love
The trains I hop
To be part of
The wave can't stop"

"We're too young to fall asleep
To cynical to speak
We are losing it
Can't you tell?

We scratch our eternal itch
A twentieth century bitch
And we are grateful for
Our iron lung "

if this is absolutley random and makes no sense i half apologize and i half don't really care, cuz i'm a bit drunk and the random-train-of-thought-ness makes sense to me at the moment.

2007-08-26T11:36:00.000-04:00

"growing up, it was just me and my mom against the world.
and all my sympathies were with her when i was a little girl
and i've seen both my parents play out the hands that they were dealt
as each year goes by, i know more about how my father must have felt.

i just want you to understand that i know what all the fighting
was for, and i just want you to understand that i'm not angry anymore.
no, i'm not angry anymore.

she taught me how to wage cold war with quiet charm
but i just want to walk through my life unarmed.
to accept, and just get by like my father learned to do,
but without all the acceptance of getting by that got my father through

i just want you to understand that i know what all the fighting was for
and i just want you to understand that i'm not angry anymore.
no, i'm not angry anymore.

night falls like people into love
we generate our own light to compensate
for the lack of light from above.
every time we fight a cold wind blows our way,
we can learn like the trees, how to bend,
how to sway and say

i, i think i understand
what all this fighting is for,
and i just want you to understand
i'm not angry anymore.
no, i'm not angry anymore."

nicotine

2007-08-24T19:42:00.000-04:00

owns me. i did good. really. i didn't smoke any cigarettes at all since 12:45 am tuesday night (wed morning? whatever). wed i was too doped up and slept all day and didn't care. thursday was a bit of a struggle but the threat of pulling out the stitches in my mouth and getting an infection helped solidify my willpower, today, was more of a struggle. i'm cranky as fuck, and i finally just gave in. i called the dentist this afternoon and asked them how bad it would really be if i smoked, just a little...the receptionist woman said "as i mother, i think you should just stop, but if you really can't, then put some gauze over the stitches and have a few puffs...you're gonna hang up right now and do that aren't you?" me: "no! i'm really gonna try, i just wanted to know just in case". and, i really did try, for 5 and a half more hours. but, finally, i just couldn't do it anymore. now i gotta go rinse with the salt water to dissenfect and heal and all that.....

oh, and, p.s. i'm sick of mushy food. really. i've made a pact with melis: if i'm ever so old that that's all i can eat, she will kavorkian me off a cliff or something, preferrably, with a cigarette in my mouth....

i want...

2007-08-21T17:34:00.000-04:00

....this motherfucking "wisdom" tooth out of my mouth now. i've become immune to motrin apparently, looking forward to better drugs, and no more angry inflamed gums trying to suck my tooth back into my mouth.

ugh

2007-08-13T14:42:00.000-04:00

"She screams in silence
A sullen riot penetrating through her mind
Waiting for a sign
To smash the silence with the brick of self-control"

and i feel like i'm 14 all over again.

saturday

2007-08-11T22:28:00.000-04:00

"As persons, we consume with perception, expunge with communication, and falter between creating and destroying within the same breathe."

lucky for me, i get to see the girl who wrote these words in less than a week and have conversations on this theme and others (like the relationship between alexander the great and jesus and how that relates to current politics) in person.

if the highlight of this week was the awesome cookies i got from melis, the highlight of next will be seeing al, and learning how to make my own mojitos. i'm equally excited about both. :)

hmm

2007-07-27T18:44:00.000-04:00

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Writing in Poetry Flash, critic Rusty Morrison speculates that "the sublime can only be glimpsed by pressing through fear's boundary, beyond one's previous conceptions of the beautiful." That's a good theme for you to experiment with right now, Aries. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you're very close to making contact with splendor you'll remember all your life. (And I don't use that fancy word "splendor" lightly.) You'll need a lot of playful courage to make the boundary-crossing. But I know you can do it if you keep heading in the direction of what's scarily meaningful.

highlight of the day: watching annie get into a fight with a traffic cop

what i learned today: don't fuck with bitter traffic cops wielding the tiny bit of power they have OR annie wielding a gigantic suv.

and now it's time to get ready to drink. yay.

what i learned today

2007-07-25T23:01:00.001-04:00

that, if you take this medication, that cures something called "restless leg syndrom" (which, honestly sounds like it was made up by a 10 yr old) you may fall asleep while driving and have strong urges to gamble and have lots of sex. i may just be a little overtired and out of it, but i find this hysterical. my favorite drug commercial used to be the "depression hurts" series, this one however, blows those out of the water. oh pharmaceutical companies taking over the world.

harry potter day!!

2007-07-20T20:09:00.001-04:00

today (or well, tonight, at midnight) is harry potter day, and my inner child is ecstatic. and who better to share harry potter day with than my childhood best friend. so, melis and i got our numbers for our reserved copies of the book when she got out of work and then after cosmic cantina went back to my apartment to take naps. bc while we both may still be full of inner childness, we're actually both old and tired, and can't stay up long enough to get and start reading harry potter (esp since our numbers are in the early thousands so the "getting" part prob won't happen before 1am....) w/o a nap.

now, after she gets herself unstuck from my bathroom, it's time to go back to barnes and noble to listen to the audio book dude read excerpts from the first 6, eat some cookies, wander around the harry potter world created inside the store, and wait, to get my hands on the book.

harry potter day

2007-07-20T20:09:00.000-04:00

freelance attire

2007-07-02T17:10:00.001-04:00

I never really bought those hanes/calvin klein/cottonthefabricofyourlife commercials where everyone is just chillin in their underwear and a t shirt until i joined the ranks of the freelancers (or the unemployed, same thing) during the summer months. sometimes, you really do just throw on underware and a t shirt after you take a shower and sit, at your desk and work like that all day.

i'm not sure if i even can edit with pants on anymore. haha.

egotisical quote of the day

2007-07-01T21:21:00.000-04:00

re: the first 38 integrated seconds of our music video, that i've become pretty much obsessed with working on

rhi: that;s SO awesome!!!!
rhi: you're amazing!
rhi: i love it!

haha. it is kinda cool. it's nice to remember that i'm good at this shit.

i'm drunk....

2007-06-29T23:27:00.000-04:00

....and obsessed with this song......

"that that don't kill me
can only make me stronger
i need you to hurry up now
cause i can't wait much longer
i know i got to be right now
cause i cant get much wronger"

makes me want to go out and get real drunk (which i am) and simulataneously make a movie. and, even tho it's something new, it makes me oddly nostalgic.

(thx for sending it)

ok no more drunk blogging.

waiting waiting waiting

2007-06-25T20:55:00.000-04:00

I'm tired. Of waiting for things. And, just in general, I'm just fucking tired.

Currently, I'm waiting for 78 Final Cut Mov's to transfer and translate themselves into Avid OMFI files. This is taking a considerable amount of time. I'm exciting to start working on this project (even tho it's another one of those freebies - which brings us to another thing I'm getting a little tired and anxious about waiting for - money) but by the time it's actually ready for me to start working on it, I'm gonna be ready to go to sleep. The footage and I seem to be destined to miss each others windows of opportunity for tonight...unless I get some kind of miraculous second wind, which, after the 12ish hrs of drinking I did yesterday, combined with the not so much sleeping I did last night, followed up by the getting up early and running all around central park lugging heavy things in even heavier heat (while still kinda drunk for the first 2hrs or so....) that I did all day today (capturing the footage that I'm now so eager to get my hands on) yeah...it will be miraculous indeed.

My therapist tells me I have no patience for patience. For the most part, this is pretty accurate. But this year I've tried to make myself have what I previously would have thought of as an unsubstantiated faith in things. In my career, in other people, in myself.

It's hard. But, I've been a lot happier this year than I've been in a while. Happier than I've been since I left college. I finally feel like I'm moving toward something. I just have to wait. For it all to pan out. But in the meantime, I could really use some stupid bullshit job to pay me some decent money...(ie: l.w.) it'll make all this waiting for the things that really matter a little bit easier, if I know that I can at least pay my rent and health insurance, and therapist, and credit cards, and electric bill, and the list goes on... I don't mind waiting for the good projects, for the headspace to write my own, for all the things I want, as long as I get enough along the way to make all those other opportunities possible.

I never knew how tenacious I really was until I found myself finally on the edge of something I really want, and holding on as tight as I can. Once I know what I want, I just simply refuse to let go. This is the strategy that was recommended to me by I don't know how many professors at NYU. When things get hard, when you leave the safe walls of academia and the real competition starts, the people who are the most passionate, the most driven, the ones who don't get scared and give in and give up, the ones left hanging on to the edge when everyone else has dropped off around them, they'll be the ones who make it over the ledge to the other side.

I'm counting on my passion to carry me through.

i agree

2007-06-19T23:32:00.000-04:00

from rhi's blog:

"Sitting in a bar, with a drink, and a friend and a piece of paper was the best way to spend tonight. Working alone together was something I hadn’t considered."

our chat and our alone time together, was exactly what i needed. thank you.

rediscover

2007-06-19T22:49:00.000-04:00

today i rediscovered and reinvigorated the creative part of my brain which seems to have lain dormant for longer than i like. been a bit of a struggle these past weeks to retain my focus and motivation, generally, i'm a very self motivated person, to borrow some of holden caufield "i'm ambitious as hell". not that he was ambitions, he was depressed, and feeling trapped, and envisioning a bleak future at the end of his childhood, at the loss of innocence, and, although i think he was right in many respects, and i've related to him in a probably somewhat unhealthy way since i read that book in my own adolescence, his ambivalence, is not what i was borrowing (or was it?) his phrasing is what i was after, his "....as hell".

anyway. i'm drunk. thank god for happy hr. esp happy hr that comes with free pizza.

and, thank god for 4 hr conversations about film. and inspiration. and the return of a part of my brain i was beginning to be concerned about. see, i feel the most like myself when i'm thinking of pieces of life in images and how they combine to tell a story. when i'm thinking of shots and cuts, and details - a CU vs a MS, the spreading of a tarp, the meaning of a look, a piece of body language, the impact and implications of a cut from this angle to that, the juxtapositions...that's when i feel the most like myself, in my element, when i feel like i'm doing what i was meant to do, what i want to do and what i'm good at, what i understand, where i have control. i think, as a director, i have a lot of potential i have yet to tap, i have a style that needs exploration. and as an editor, there's a lot i still want to learn, and try, and play with. it's the strangest thing, to find your niche, your passion and then, to fight the battle to actually do it. and deal with all the shit that comes with life at the same time. rent, and responsibility, and just everything. it's overwhelming sometimes. i just want to tell stories. is that too much to ask for? my tattoos say it all really. "invoke provoke evoke". it's what i want to put out into the world and get back from it. and, i was right, when, at 21, freshly back from four months of living abroad, on the verge of my last yr of college, when i decided that i'd need a reminder, to carry with me, into the "real world" beyond my comfort zone of academia, i'd need to remember to have the courage to follow my dreams. and now, at 25, in this stupid world, i need to understand, and maintain balance, between my responsibilities and my passion. i need to learn how to do what i want to do, what makes me feel alive, and how to actually be able to live.

stupid technology

2007-06-19T00:39:00.000-04:00

My stupid cell phone is broken. Which for some reason, makes me feel all vunerable. I need my cell phone. Boo. Big boo.

pensive today

2007-06-06T15:35:00.000-04:00

been quietly growing progessively mopey and pensive the last few days, and today was the kind of day where i could have sat for hours in my therapists office instead of just my alloted 50min or whatever it is...ending with a "well this is definetly something we should explore further but our time is up for today..."....sigh.

"Take a straight and stronger course to the corner of your life.
Make the white queen run so fast she hasn't got time to make you a wife.

'Cause it's time, it's time in time with your time and its news is captured
For the queen to use.
Move me on to any black square,
Use me any time you want,
Just remember that the goal
Is for us all to capture all we want

Don't surround yourself with yourself,
Move on back two squares,
Send an Instant Karma to me,
Initial it with loving care
Don't surround
Yourself."

ah chess as a metaphor for life, so true, and such an odd old theme for me. sadly tho these lyrics don't carry as well on their own, with out the actual music....and speaking of chess, i need someone that knows how to play, of the two ppl i used to play with, one is over an hr a way, and the other i want to hit with a bus so....yeah, learn how to play chess and play with me, i'm only ok, you'll win, i just want to play. yup, that's it, exactly, i just want to play....

horoscope

2007-06-05T14:14:00.000-04:00

"Though one of the closest stars to our sun, Teegarden's star was unknown to astronomers until 2003. Located in the constellation of Aries, it's a red dwarf with relatively modest heat and luminosity, and moves very fast compared to other stars. Let's make Teegarden's star your metaphor of the month for June. I predict that you'll discover and engage with a major presence that has always been close to you but low-key--a quick, understated influence that has never before captivated your attention. "

bring it. cuz i'm getting bored.

monday

2007-06-04T18:02:00.000-04:00

spent the day so far researching 401k's and sex toys/books. balance. ha.

ha, yeah...

2007-06-03T20:27:00.001-04:00

"You might try to keep your feelings to yourself today, for you may fear that they can be used against you if you share them. Your anxieties stem from the incorrect assumption that being vulnerable is a sign of weakness. Instead of exposing all the details of your issues, at least let someone know that you are afraid. Your honesty will be seen as a sign of strength and can tilt the situation your way."

i don't feel like packing

2007-05-29T17:55:00.000-04:00

so....i'm kinda sorta half packing...and...re-watching the Lost finale....haha.

and, big news of the day: phase 1 was (sort of) sucessful. implementing phase 2 may be trickier than i originally thought...phase 1 may have to last longer than expected...

ooo and locke just saw walt at the top of the mass grave and i just got the chills, all over again. i love this show. (although i'm not seeing the shadow that ppl said they saw in that scene that could have been the smoke monster before it turned into walt...hmm) i think it's ben in the coffin. at least i really want it to be.

"jack if you say live together die alone one more time i'm going to punch you" haha.

i'm going to miss lost for the next 7 months or however long it is. no kate, for seven months...sigh.

i don't want to pack, i want to make out. boo.

monday monday

2007-05-28T17:11:00.000-04:00

Implemented phase one of melis and I's plan to get invited to what to us, will be the wedding of the century in terms of gossip currency. If phase one goes as planned, the small piece of my soul I'll have to sacrifice to carry out phase two will be worth it if it results in an invte in a few months (oh the things I do for you melis, THIS little stunt is the definition of true friendship, and, if it works, you'll so owe me). Is it wrong to want to fanegle your way into someone's wedding just for the pure spectical of it? hmm, silly morality. we'll still buy them a gift and all that....

Took stab number five million and twenty seven at the movie in my head after a stint of post modern thinking with a metric soundtrack in the park. I wish i could figure out how to get it out of my head and onto paper...it's all there, in these little pieces, these moments, gestures, frames, but the dialouge that needs to connect those moments, is well, tricky. sigh. i want to make a movie. i want that piece of myself back. this last month has been interesting for me, i've started to feel more like myself than i have in a while, closer to getting what i want, but, knowing that a lot of it is still out of reach...been fun and frustrating all at the same time. these last few months in general have been a delicate balance of reaching, grazing my fingertips across the surface of what i desire, but not being able to fully grasp it. some days it's right there, others, it's light years away....i am learning a lot about patience. for better or worse...although my therapist claims it's for the better, i'm taking her word on it for now.

new favorite songs: terra naomi "up here" and "say it's possible"

4 years...

2007-05-22T23:32:00.001-04:00

....is a long time....i need to do something about that....i need to do something about a lot of things....

scary

2007-05-14T12:14:00.000-04:00

horoscope:

"A current situation demands your attention, but you might think that it will solve itself if you just do nothing. The truth is that you can make serious progress if you take initiative instead. If you don't, you might have to clean up a real mess in a few days. With the Moon in your sign, this is the right time to process feelings and let go of the past. Don't carry what isn't needed into the future."

it freaks me out when these things are so dead on.

sometimes

2007-05-13T01:03:00.000-04:00

i can't find the words.

which, is annoying.

friday

2007-05-11T16:08:00.000-04:00

random thought of the day: it's weird to watch a pregnant woman grind with other pregnant women

(ellen. it was on ellen. her whole audience is preggers and this one woman danced all around with the other women at the begining and um yeah, it made me feel weird, she's gettin' all down and all rubbing her giant belly, agaisnt other giant bellies...weird...)

other than that, i don't really know what i think about anything else today. i'm processing. which, is apparently what my horoscope wants me to do:

"Your mind may be turning cartwheels, trying to figure out what has changed. Unfortunately, your overactive thinking might not take you anywhere productive unless you slow down your reaction time. For the next couple of weeks, remember to think about what you are about to say before saying anything. You can be taken more seriously if you talk less."

....which is how i generally operate anyway.

tuesday, i think

2007-05-08T15:46:00.000-04:00

Overwhelmed with work and life in general. I have this problem where I try to do too many things at once and i pause to take a breath and all of a sudden I find myself in the middle of a whirlwind. But being freelance - i.e. unsure of when the next project/paycheck will come around again - won't let me say no. So I will juggle ten million projects at once, hrs and hrs of footage downloaded into my internal memory, which, like that of my drives, is overflowing to the point of crashing...go to work in the abandoned financial distric in the middle of the night and come home to exports that didn't work. 3 steps forward 2 steps back. Seems to be a recurring theme these weeks. And I'm growing acutely aware of what my time is worth.

quote of the day

2007-05-07T16:53:00.001-04:00

Rhi: I'm not santa.

drunk blogging

2007-05-06T01:20:00.000-04:00

Is dangerous.

But it’s been forever since I actually wrote a blog, as my friends are so kind to remind me so…mix alchohol and emotion and here we go….

1) alcohol. Annie, I love your jello shots, they’re like a happy little sneak attack. One minute I’m sipping my margarita mix in your apartment, the next I’m on the roof, smoking, and suddenly drunk…they’re amazing….kudos on the dip stuff too…I wanted to grab it and run away.

2) rooftops. I love rooftops. Always wanted to hook up on one, haven’t gotten around to that yet, one of three places on the top of my list, I have a feeling it will superceed the pool, which would be a good thing bc anything that wipes my crazy pshyco ex a bit more from my memory the better…

ok, so there’s the alcohol, now here’s the emotion:

see, I was tempted to write a blog so many times this week. Often while I was falling asleep, all these thoughts, that I couldn’t sort out during the day would well up in my head at night and leave me tossing and turning until sleep finally overtook me. And I still can’t sort them all out, all the thoughts. And I don’t think here is the place to. Maybe in my therapists office, or in conversation. But, a random (drunk) train of thought lately:

self preservation. And the varied ways it manifests itself in myself and (more interestingly, bc, well, I’ve known myself for 25 yrs now) in others. And, what exactly, to do with that.

Walls. What makes them go up and down. When I raise the drawbridge, when I don’t want anyone or anything sliding through these slippery folds I’ve spent my life growing, and why. And why…..?

Want. What I want. In all different areas of my life. Catching myself think about things I’d rather not (see “self preservation” above). In so many ways, I’m slowly getting closer to what I want, and in so many ways I’m getting farther away. It changes. It grows as I grow. And sometimes, I can’t keep up with myself. And sometimes, no one else can either.

Cause and effect. Intertwining circles.

Fear and insecuritiy.

Unfinished sentences and unanswered questions.

Cynisism. I used to be so much more cynical and I miss it sometimes. I’ve become a hopeless idealist. It’s depressing. At least when I was cynical I never set myself up to be let down. I’m not sure when or how this change took place. It makes no sense. But now, I search for something to believe in, and I have hope and desire for a future I never had before. I am so fucked.

I am so drunk.

And there are so many things I’m looking for.

other quote of the day

2007-04-09T16:50:00.001-04:00

"i feel like your jimminy cricket"
-rhiannon

hypothetical quote of the day

2007-04-09T12:34:00.000-04:00

"Hey joyce, pass me the greygoose, grandma wants another martini before Court starts talking about her lastest sex toy"
-al

hmmm

2007-04-06T22:27:00.000-04:00

no job = go on vacaion?

hmmm

"when money talks, i hate to listen, but lately it's been screaming in my ear"

life is a glorious mess

2007-03-27T13:10:00.000-04:00

my pensive, petulent, ambilivant mood from the weekend has shifted itself into a layer of pure anxiousness and insecurity, and an unmet need for validation, these past few days. I hate being in this/these moods. they amplify my inner reactions but never my outer. which i suppose is why i'm so good at working in all the enviornments i've worked in. you need a shield, for this industry. for life i suppose, in general. it's just a matter of knowing when it's time to take it down. and that's where i second guess myself.

Free is the word of the day

2007-03-27T00:15:00.000-04:00

Halfway through work, what had so far been a long slow day of work, or rather, not much work, for me, i decide that having the second half of my day to myself is worth the money i'd lose if i left, and so (after weighing the idea with a few friends) i claim i'm not feeling well, and instant message my way to freedom. "amy, if i was thinking of taking a half day who do i talk to w/o danny here?" "talk to kitty" "kitty, i think i'm gonna go home, ann doesn't need anything" "ok, ask kevin if he needs anything" "kevin, do you or will you need anything?" "umm, i don't think so but ask beth" "ok." "beth, do you need anything, if not i'm going to take a half day" "nope i'm all good thanks for checking!" 20min or so of this later, i'm throwing on my coat, hitting the elevator button and calling matt (also home for the day) "i escaped, i'll drop by on my way home, see you in like 20min". the time i spent catching up w/matty and then working on my own work in my own apartment was well worth the 75 dollars. too bad i can't just pay myself a salary.

there are still so many ways i'd like to be free. guess i just have to keep working on it.

best advice i've gotten: "you have to get over the fact that there are some things you can't control, bc they're blocking you from seeing the things you can."

been thinkin' a lot today

2007-03-23T11:23:00.000-04:00

Woke up, in a strange mood, to say the least. Woke up, more open, than I've been in a while. More open, than I've even allowed to myself in a while. Like something cracked, and spilled.

Woke up overwhelmed, with an intesely overwhelming desire to turn around, and run, backwards, as fast a fucking possible. It's an old familar feeling, which I haven't felt quite this acutely in a while. I used to struggle with this tug of war so much more, a few years ago. This push and pull of my ambition and my fear. I used to spend more time dwelling on my hidden desire to cling to the safety and comfort of the past in the face of a huge unknowable future. Lately though, I spend so much time pushing forward that I don't leave myself much energy to really hold back. I'd turned my yearning for the past into warm moments of nostalgia in the wake of propelling myself onward. I'd listen to my anthem, the namsake for my blog, and jump off countless ships scanning the horizon for the next bigger one.

But today I woke up overwhelmed by my fear of drowning. Tired of swiming and wanting to hold onto the edge just a little bit longer. And feeling this undefineable sense of loss, for things I'm not quite ready to let go of, even if I already have.

"And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be."

Woke up, today, feeling like Holden. Like I want my naivete back, just for a little while. Because, like half the population of this country proves, it's easier to have faith when you deny the facts of reality.

discuss

2007-03-22T16:04:00.000-04:00

this conversation made me a) remember how much i love my friends (not that i forget, but u know what i mean), b) wish i was in grad school, c) or at least outside somewhere with coffee and cigarettes, actually having the conversation in person, with some guest appearances and opinions from my other intelligent and equally as prone to these types of disscusions, friends.

MATTY: yah i'd really like to get an honest opinion about what differentiates a cult from a religion...is it simply the amount of people who believe in it?
ME: ha
ME maybe
ME there is a fine line
ME i was gonna say maybe it has something to do with history
ME like the documents and so forth that support the major religions, are mad old
ME but
ME then there's the mormens
MATTY: hehe i was about to say that
ME and some weird hick in upstate ny just invented that
ME so yeah
ME what makes mormens not a cult?
ME is it just how far you deviate along the "accepted" spectrum?
ME they come pretty damn close
MATTY: i guess so...has never made sense to me tho...i find it so funny how these religious sites will have these articles about cults saying how insane they are...and then the next article will be about how the virgin mary showed up in a coffee stain...open ur eyes assholes
ME lol
ME read the first paragraph of this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cult
ME that makes it seem like it really is just about numbers
ME if u have a lot of ppl, then it must not be taboo, if u don't, ur crazy
MATTY: yah it does seem to indicate it has to do with both membership and length of time
ME so like the mormens were a cult, but they just stuck
ME and grew
ME and now they're a religion, that no one really respects or understands
ME so they're still half cult like
MATTY: this entry seems to be grappling with the exact question we were tho...in terms of what makes a cult different...and is it necessarily negative
ME rt
ME according to the one theoligical definition
ME then judiasm
ME is a cult
ME as is islam
MATTY: this is the definition most americans adhere to...tho it's the 6th one listed... A religion or sect considered to be false, unorthodox, or extremist, with members often living outside of conventional society under the direction of a charismatic leader;
ME yeah but even that is such a fine line, what defines something as unorthodox can be so subjective
ME as is conventional society as that's fluid over time
ME and, every religion has charasmatic leaders
MATTY: true dat

so? comments?

so we don't forget

2007-03-21T15:39:00.000-04:00

best halloween idea EVER:

matty: ...but what could be better is if u go as a sterotypical flamboyant gay male and i go as a bull dyke
me: i should get chartruse pants and a black polka dot shirt (note: this is in reference to the garrison keiller conversation we were previously having)
me: and
me: lots o' rainbow shit
me: u need some flannel
matty: and i'll have a mullet and a tool belt...maybe some overalls...we need somethin that identifies me as a lesbian and not matty: just a hick tho
me: pink triangle
matty: well maybe some breasts
me: haha
me: omg
me: that'd be so much fun
matty: lol
me: i bet i could make u some decent fake breasts
me: would i have to like stuff my pants then?
matty: yah u need a bulge
me: haha
me: and ew
me: all at once
matty: thin little moustache maybe
me: hmm
me: if i have to have facial hair
me: i want an ugly soul patch
me: like max on l word
matty: yah that works too
me: those things are gross

now i just have to remember to come back and read this blog around halloween next year, to aviod what happens everyother year.....around this time, march/april/may i get these good halloween ideas....but by the time october comes again, they are long long gone. i wonder if i can program this post to email itself to me on oct. 1st.....

it's important...

2007-03-14T16:56:00.000-04:00

....to have friends that inspire you. this is what rhiannon inspired me to do today (ha):

look a real blog

2007-03-13T15:41:00.000-04:00

only bc work is slow and i'm moody. fun fun.

so technically my blog thought of the day, is really a comment i left on rhiannon's blog in response to something she wrote. but it suits my mood of the day, week, month, millenium:

sometimes the past is shorter than the future. yet the present moves too quickly for me to keep up but the changes i want still take forever to come.

yup, that sums it up. make of it what you will.

i want to go home now

2007-03-06T17:48:00.000-05:00

Quote of the day:
ME: i want to shoot someone
RHI: better use a camera
ME: ha

Oh, cigarettes, how I love you (or, why my day sucks today and i want a raise):

RHI: oh and. STOP SMOKING!!!!!!!
RHI: i'm serious
RHI: it's so bad for you
RHI: so so so bad for you
ME: i'm having a bad day
ME: no lectures today ok?
RHI: sorry
RHI: can we schedule it for tomorrow then?
ME: yes
ME: u can yell at me all u want tomorow
RHI: ok
RHI: why today so bad
RHI: just because you're tired?
ME: and it's just crazy here today
ME: projects that need to get out rt away and they keep making last min changes
ME: and final cut freezes up
RHI: yuck
ME: mid something important w/ep in hee
RHI: oh
RHI: sorry
ME: like, he wants a vo
ME: 40min before it has to post mind u
ME: and it takes time to upload and download and export
ME: and the client wants it on their comp at 6
ME: and at 5:15 he's like
ME: let's record our own vo and throw it on to see how it feels
RHI: dumb
ME: so we start setting it up and he's getting all stressed at the fact that it doesn't just magically work as soon as you plug a mic in, and final cut is being a bitch, and setting up my room to do vo's is mad complicated as it is and he has like no patience
ME: and then it finally works
ME: i cut the thing up and in
ME: it doesn't fit rt bc he spoke too slow
ME: and i don't have time to fuck with it, or my edit to make it fit rt
ME: he comes to watch it
ME: and then agrees with me that we don't need it
ME: and it makes it distracting
RHI: aw
ME: and, the whole day has been a variation of that, but on like 3 different projects. all at the same time.
RHI: yeah. that sucks
ME: therefore
ME: i need cigs today
RHI: aw
RHI: i use chocolate

bc it's easier to just post parts of my day....

2007-02-23T16:54:00.000-05:00

....then to actually form thoughts and phrases about it.

devin: Yo C!!!!
me: yo D!
devin: Hahah

(insert boring conversation about web postings and the progress of the off site telecine here)

devin: Then back to the studio to confrom.
devin: Then I need to ship it.
me: to the audio studio?
me: or blakes room?
devin: Blakes room.
me: ah
devin: All B.
devin: No C.
me: lol, good
devin: And a little D.
me: ha, little d sounds like a rapper name
me: "lil' D"
me: u should be a rapper
devin: HOLLER
devin: That is gangsta.

this conversation is amusing bc he's a skinny little white boy from L.A. who wears button down shirts with sweaters over them and fitted jeans, and yet is convinced he's somewhat gangsta.

done

2007-02-23T14:21:00.000-05:00

thnk i've reached my burn out point for the week. actually, i think i reached it last night around 9:00, and i've only actually had a 3-day work week, at the office at least. spending monday and tuesday working at home still counts tho. my tolerance is low. and all i want to do is go home and take a nap and drink something with alcohol in it. and i have a ton of work to do this weekend already. boo.

quote of the day 2

2007-02-22T15:57:00.000-05:00

"now we see more car ass. ha, i get less and less classy every time i come in here."
-Johnathan, owner of my company, commenting on changes to shot 15 of jeep commerical after screening.

and if i could remember the actual phrasing of the conversation he and devin had about the jeep clients, who are now requesting complicated changes in the last 24hrs before delivery, i'd post that too...all i remember exactly tho are the words "motherfuckers" and "cocksucker" and "yeah...we love our clients".

quote of the day

2007-02-22T14:33:00.000-05:00

"Everybody in LA got a little Thug in em!! Padna!"
-Josh, my west coast BNS counterpart, after iming Devin and I Tupac songs.

conversation of the day

2007-02-21T17:21:00.000-05:00

Annie: matt just left...
Annie: 15 minutes early... with a fed ex package...
Annie: i was going ot make a joke being like, you are leaving early to go to fed ex as if it takes 15 minutes, since we used to kid you about that
Me: hahaha, i taught him well...
Me: it's my legacy
Annie: : HAHHA
Me: nyja tried to steal it, but she was not worthy of the title
Me: it's like the sword in the stone
Me: only you and matt can carry on my fed ex tradition
Annie: HAHAH

seriously tho, that 15min can make a world of difference sometimes. it's the little things.

i have less brain cells after 5pm

2007-02-15T18:09:00.000-05:00

rhi: i already did that
rhi:: i just have to find it
ME: u didn't tell me that
ME: dude, ur getting old, you're forgetting shit
ME: haha
rhi:: i did too at some point
rhi:: you suck
ME: old person
ME: old old old
ME: =)
rhi: and are wrong
ME: no i'm not, ur gonna be like 27
rhi: =p
ME: it's sad really that that's when the memory goes....
rhi: alright. enough you
rhi: just you wait, that's all i have to say to you about this topic
ME: hehe
ME: i'm gonna be 25 in a month and a half
ME: i am upset
ME: =(
ME: booooooo
rhi: oh get over it
rhi: that's so 2 years ago for me
ME: dude, you're like my "wise, old" friend
ME: (ok, i'm done now)
rhi: but i SO told you about the letters of distance seperating
ME: no, u didn't
rhi:: did to
ME: bc i was all happy when i thought of it and i wouldn't have been that happy if u already told me
ME: r u sure it wasnt jess and not me?
ME: or ryan?
rhi: well you'd be very happy about your brilliant idea if you didn't remember that i already told you about it
ME: haha
rhi: i'm sure
rhi: it was you
rhi: who else would care at this point
ME: were u on a hallucinatory drug at the time?
ME: were there like 5 of me running around in bunny suits?
rhi:i'll find it and tell you exactly what day i modified the file and subsequently told you about said brilliant idea
rhi: ha
rhi:: i wish
ME: i'd never actually wear a bunny suit in real life, so that's how u can tell the difference from real me and shrooms me
ME: i was 2 last time i wore one
ME: for halloween
ME: it was cute
ME: but that phase of my life is long gone now
rhi: as much as i would like to continue this discussion, i have to bring kevin my tapes

i want to go home now. almost there, barring any post-related emergency (which, lucky for me have come up at the last minute almost every other night this week...fun....)

i want...

2007-02-08T16:08:00.000-05:00

....to be drunk. right now. oh well. i'll have to wait aprox 3more hrs before i can take steps to make that happen. sometimes, i wish i was turning 20 in a month and half, and not 25. were i turning 20 in a month and a half, there's a pretty good chance i'd already be drunk rt now, and that i was drunk rt now 5 years ago. and if not, it's thursday, which, at that point in time meant i was either finishing up class, or in the process of sneaking out of one with matty, or already home napping and getting ready for the 4 night, 3 day weekend to begin. oh how i miss miss miss college sometimes.

best thing i've read all day...

2007-02-08T14:07:00.000-05:00

....aside from the half insightful/half crackpot new Lost theories floating around today.

From Wonkette:

"NY Rep Advocates Recruitment of Cunnilinguists

When we last cared about Gary Ackerman, he was accidentally voting against pornography. Yesterday, though, he planted himself firmly on the side of the steamy and unlikely fantasies of teenage boys.

“For some reason, the military seems more afraid of gay people than they are of terrorists, but they’re very brave with the terrorists…If the terrorists ever got hold of this information, they’d get a platoon of lesbians to chase us out of Baghdad…Considering the critical shortage of linguists in the armed forces, a platoon of Arabic-speaking lesbians may be just what the military needs.”
This suggestion was made to Condi Rice, who, we’re assuming, shifted uncomfortably in her seat the entire time. He continued:

“Can we marry up those two — or maybe that’s the wrong word — can we have some kind of union of those two issues?”
If we allow platoons of Arabic-speaking lesbians in the armed forces, next thing you know, we’ll have dog marines and box turtles manning tanks. Where does it end?"

random

2007-02-07T18:13:00.000-05:00

my favorite sentence of the week, from an email i just wrote to a friend, speculating about, well, someone else.

"do u think it's bc she's all jesus'd up, too filled with the lord to be filled with a tounge or a finger or anything else for that matter?"

on an entierly different note, i so can not wait for LOST time. seriously, i'm so fucking excited, it feels like my birthday or something.

random conversation of the day

2007-02-02T16:18:00.000-05:00

CL: are you dating my sister?
m: what!? no. she's not my type and more importantly, that'd be really weird.
CL: haha. i know. i was kidding. but, has she really been staying over your house?
m: umm.
[you mean instead of sleeping with some boy?]
m: yeah. yup. she has been.
CL: ok, just checking. =)
CL: bc i feel like if she was dating someone she wouldn't tell me.

yeah...gimme a heads up next time ok? i'm so happy i'm an only child....

"status ani't hood"

2007-02-02T15:22:00.000-05:00

"stat·us (stāt'əs, stā'təs)
n.
Position relative to that of others; standing: Her status is that of a guest.
High standing; prestige: a position of status in the community.
Law The legal character or condition of a person or thing: the status of a minor.
A state of affairs; situation. See Synonyms at state."

This little six letter word has become a running theme in most areas of my life lately. From my grandpa's hospital stay, to the desk I currently sit at, to my plans for later this evening, status is following me where ever i go. And as I get older I'm starting to realize that it's not titles that matter, it's content. A concept that is currently leaving me both content and discontent. Depending.

this is what i call productive

2007-01-30T17:56:00.000-05:00

look what i made today:

SF Pics

my new favorite discovery of the day: the flickr updater, that lets you update your pics in batches instead of that lame upload 6 at a time page crap they have.

Churro: The phallic San Francisco treat.

2007-01-27T18:29:00.000-05:00

Get on plane. Watch bad movie. Use ipod to drown out annoying fellow passengers. Get off plane. Immediately seek out nearest exit to smoke much needed cigarette. Oh nicotine. If life were prison, I’d so be your bitch. Sigh. Use cell phone to locate Alex, who’s running around with a handmade “Corti Qui! (Courtney here!) poster. Meet the boy. Buy wine, bring to Indian food restaurant. Proceed to get incredibly drunk and spend the night entertaining Al’s boy (and each other) recounting past adventures and catching each other up on gossip about our mutual friends. Talk about sex, life, relationships, repeat. Sleep in the cocoon on the couch.

Wake up. Shower. Get coffee with Shaun (the boy) and walk to park. Swings. Get to know Shaun, Shaun gets to know me. Get more coffee. Sit outside coffee place for an hour chatting about movies and life and of course Alex. Meet Al at work. Go to MOMA. See awesome afterlife exhibit and permanent collection, and random golden Michael Jackson and his chimp statue. Al and Shaun highlight all the great things about SF, in a not even remotely veiled attempt to get me to move there for a few months. Go to Berkley. Get dinner with Karlyn (Al’s sister). Proceed to get drunk, again, in a tiki bar. Then in an Irish bar down the street from their house, with a dirty old man bartender and some very random patrons. Get talked (read: coerced, by Ryan of all people, Karlyns normally very quiet husband) into playing karaoke play station game. Laugh my ass off at Al and Karlyn trying to sing “I’m a survivor”. Ryan kicks everyone’s ass, especially with the moody boy rock songs. He clearly practices when no one else is home. Sleep in the cocoon on their couch. I love how much visiting her family feels like visiting my own family sometimes.

Al brings the boy to the airport sometime early early in the morning. Wake up to her wandering downstairs and landing on the second couch around 9. Walk to the coffee place with her up the block. Drink coffee and juice and talk about EVERYTHING with her for the next 4 and a half hours. This is what I miss. Realize we’re hungry and it’s not morning anymore. Back to SF, burritos and Margaret Cho and naps. Shower. Blow a fuse in the whole front half of their house. Unsuccessfully attempt to fix it. Attempt to kick each other. “Protect your internal organs”. Make the most random pre-game drink ever invented, and which should never be invented again. Eat remainder of burritos. Leave to get real drinks. Stroll to bar singing our own remixes. Proceed to get drunk. Talk about sex, life, relationships, repeat. Once drunk, go dancing. Stumble home with more singing and random pictures. Sleep in Al’s bed (which Shaun washed the sheets for before he left so I “wouldn’t feel weird”) and threaten to pee in the middle of the night to annoy her. (I would however never actually do this, that’d be gross, but annoying her is fun, also something I miss, I think bc I grew up w/o siblings).

Wake up. Get coffee. I’m now a huge fan of the coffee place down the street from her apartment. Talk about sex, life, relationships, repeat. See the cutest little boy, who’s barely learned to walk but is dressed cooler than most adults I know, complete with awesome shades and as much of a badass attitude as a 2yr old can have. His father must be gay. I love it. Eat al’s homemade biscuit experiment. Go to beach. Take random, hysterical “series pictures”. Walk up giant motherfucking hill, to bath house ruins and cool cave, and awesome view of the ocean. Random kid climbing around on the little rock cliffs, with his guitar, in a black trench coat. He looks like he should be shooting a music video. Talk about sex, life, relationships, repeat. Get cold and hungry. Walk through Golden Gate park at night. Go get wine and go back to Indian place. Proceed to get drunk. Talk about sex, life, relationships, repeat. Al continues her weekend long “this is why this city is so great and you’d love it here” pitch. Make up songs on drunk walk home. More random drunk series pictures. Talk about sex, life, relationships, repeat. Get map with directions from Al. Sleep. She goes to work. I sleep more. Shower. Wander around Castro and Mission (with the occasional “where’d you say this store was again? Is it on 16th street or on this other one over here?” calls to Al). Talk to big scary but very nice gay S&M man in gay S&M shop that happens to also randomly sell really cool messenger bags hanging in the window (next to the display of cock rings). But the bag I like is two inches to small to fit my Mac so I don’t buy it, but am very (immaturely) amused at the fact that the nice big scary S&M man continently has a tape measurer behind the counter.

Dinner with Al, drunk once again. Talk about sex, life, relationships, repeat. Sad I’m leaving tomorrow. Try to talk each other into moving to our respective cities. Sleep.

Breakfast with Al. Coffee by myself in Union Square. Back to Al’s office to get my stuff, say goodbye, go back to airport.

Once home, feel incredibly pensive, and overwhelmed with “real life”, and work and feeling burnt out and responsibility and the gap between my dreams and reality and how to make it smaller.

Still trying to figure out how to shake the feeling.

drunk

2007-01-27T03:36:00.000-05:00

i'm drunk. hahahahaha. sleep.

"everywhere i go i see the same ho"

2007-01-17T15:35:00.000-05:00

this time(ish) tomorrow i'll be on a plane(boo) to visit al and sf (yay!).

rules of plane engagement (when you're trying to avoid checking luggage):

C: these rules are weird, u can bring lipstick, but not mascara
C: like, wtf
C: "beware of the deadly mascara"
M: : lol...some girls are deadly with them
C: haha
C: ha, u can bring up to 4oz of eye drops or "personal lubricant"
C: hahaha
M: need more than 4oz shit
C: lol

quote of the day

2007-01-16T19:40:00.000-05:00

no time yet for a real blog today. here's quotes of the day.

annie: think of it as a creative endevaor"

r: hows your day
r: so far
m: i'm sleepy and sore
m: ...my night was good.
m: ha
r: wow
r: good for you
m: hehe
r: ;)

d: there's a glitch
d: story of the day

best advice i've gotten all week:

2007-01-11T17:56:00.000-05:00

(and yet another example of how final cut is a metaphor for life)

Me (after FC did something dumb): what the fuck?
JNO (owner of my company): some things about this program will never make sense courtney. you just have to...
Me: accept it and move on?
JNO: accept it and move on, well said, well said.

best thing i read all week:

2007-01-11T15:10:00.001-05:00

from a lesbian movie review:

"Clara continues reading her draft aloud to Zoé: “Love between a man and a woman is the most precious thing on earth.” I thought water was the most precious thing on earth. Or is it the priceless things children say? I guess it depends on who you ask. If you're asking me, it's breasts."

2007-01-09T21:11:00.000-05:00

Fuck.

strangest conversation of the day

2007-01-09T16:04:00.000-05:00

My Old Boss: Yes, how's it going? I'm on IM!!!!
ME: hey!
MOB: How was your xmas and new years
ME:: both really good, how abour yours?
ME:: do your kids still believe in santa?
MOB: Great the kids do believe althougth I think Amanda not so much. New Year's we
sent to a hotel so the kids had a good time.
ME:: how are things at l*ghtw*rks?
MOB: pretty good, busy. I miss you thought. Josh is starting to work out but it's a bit of a struggle. I should have know not to hire a man. Yes, I am prejudice.
ME: lol, i could have told u not to hire him [side note: as a matter of fact, i'm pretty sure i did tell her not to hire him - the kid has nothing on me]
MOB: lol Are you sure I'm not "L" material?
ME: hahaha, i don't think that's enough to qualify you
ME:but good luck
MOB:Thanks....I keep trying the "M' thing. Have a good day
Courtney DeStefano: =)
Courtney DeStefano: you too

nice to see she's just as random as i left her.

most amusing conversation of the day, although prob only to me and my co-worker, with whom i just spent the last hr comparing 4 different versions of this damn thing, frame by frame, counting frames and trying to figure out why the out point in the stupid alt shot from today wasn't matching the cut from friday. apparently there was a miscommunication about whether we were using the 72frame version or the 90 frame version for both of the alt postings. it was the most tediously complicated hr of my life....

D: Cool
D: Thanks
D: World peace, one frame at a time.
ME: lol
ME: "we can make a difference"
ME: ha
D: : Advertising, WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
ME: hahahaha

i need a cigarette and a nap.....

quote of the day before bed

2007-01-09T00:18:00.000-05:00

" I have to start stock piling wine in my apratment. Something tells me that we need to spend a great deal of time peruseing the past and dreaming the future...over bottles of red of course."
-my platonic life partner (even tho she's like 3000 miles away)

that is EXACTLY what i need. i wish i was there now. and i already know i'm going to hate leaving.

drunk on a monday

2007-01-08T23:04:00.000-05:00

came home all drunk and lit every candle in my apt, i like the way it looks bathed soley in candlelight. and thanks to the jukebox in the bar, i'm now downloading old destiny's child and new dreamgirls.

tonight was like a weird time warp. drinks at mattys pre-sean time (bc lubricated, so to speak, was the only way to go into this encounter), where i spent some quality time with the current love of my life, viggo, matty's puppy. drinks with sean and matt was like a trip through the past. weird for the first 15min or so and then normal. so normal it was discerning after 4 years or so....

and now i'm all drunk and feel like it's a friday, like i want to go out, and dance, and make out...but it's a monday....boo...so instead i'm ordering from the diner, and trying to not be so drunk when i go to bed, so i don't feel like shit at work tomorrow, and wishing i had, well, i'm not writing that here.....

so very distracted...

2007-01-08T17:23:00.000-05:00

my mind is all over the place today. and most of those places (like the ones involving knot placement and rooftops) are very not work appropriate. sigh.

it's also weird how things coincide. tonight matty and i are meeting sean for drinks and seeing him for the first time since graduation (at which, btw, i saw him across the room at this tisch reception thing post-ceremony, and had a 5min internal debate about whether or not i should go say hi, since we hadn't really been friends, or even seen each other around for that matter, for two years already anyway...i didn't end up going to say hi, but i caught his eye for a fraction of a second and i swear he was having the same internal debate). he used to be a good friend, and my worst kiss (technically speaking. atmosphericly, i gotta give him credit for his timing...dancing to 'with or without you', wasted at the red lion for my 19th bday).

anyway the interesting part of this all is that this morning, out of the blue, i get an im from jeanie, whom i also haven't talked to in forever. much much less of a forever than sean, but it's still been about 6 months or so. that seems to be our cycle although i wish we talked more. i miss her.

i may be making too much out of coincidence, but it's just weird to me how things always seem to work like that. isn't it supposed to happen in 3's tho? hmm, i wonder who else will pop up.

back to thinking inappropriate work-time thoughts.

i miss carmen

2007-01-07T23:56:00.000-05:00

ah the l word. my favorite bad show on tv. i miss carmen. a lot. sigh.

again, sigh.

alcohol

2007-01-04T17:37:00.000-05:00

is a wonderful thing.

over my little vacation from work, i found myself desiring alcohol around 7pm everyday. i chalked this up to my body clock being timed into happy hour and being on vacation.

today, it's 5:34 and i want a drink. actually, i wanted it starting about 20min ago. today, i chalk this up to the fact that i'm counting frames and trying to make todays cut of this jeep commercial match a random alt cut from december, and today's cut has 2 extra shots that have to go and one that has to be replaced, with two alt versions, each of different lengths and when those first two shots are gone and the third replaced by it's alt versions, my sequence is either 43 or 61 frames short, depending on which alt shot i'm using. the 43 is fine. bc i discovered that the long lost alt cut from december has exactly 43 extra frames in various shots than this new version today. but. i have no idea where the other 18 are gonna come from for the shorter alt version. luckily, this is not my problem. some animator has to render extra frames out on the last shot. what is my problem, is that i may be stuck here waiting for that to happen so i can put the missing frames in. that would suck. i want a drink and a cigarette. and to work for myself, but i don't currently make enough money independently to pay myself the salary that i'd want to do so....oh well....perhaps in another 9months or so it will be a different story....

my mom is cute

2007-01-04T14:48:00.000-05:00

Today is my mom's bday and I just got this message from her on my cell phone:

"Hi, it's me, I just had an emotional moment. I just celebrated officially turning 53 at 2:22 while watching the first female speaker of the house get sworn in. It's (insert some positive adjective that I don't remember and can't check now that I've deleted the voicemail here) that women are in leadership positions now and it's (another positive type word here) that women have come so far since I was born and I'm proud of how far we've come and I'm really proud of you too. Ok that's it. I love you, bye."

I love my mom.

random train of thought

2007-01-03T17:54:00.000-05:00

I'm sleepy. I'm also kind of hungry, and want a drink and a cigarette...apparently, I'm very needy at the moment.

Now tisch alumni are stalking me. it's much more fun stalking them. and the one i have stalking me i've already fulfilled my curiosity about and isn't doing anything worth me keeping in touch with him and is annoying. and very very persistent for that matter. Why can't any of the good ones stalk me?

to encourage commenting on my blog, i've decided to give out a "participator of the month" award. maybe i'll even buy you a drink. so far this month, annie is probably winning, as not only did she recently take the time to go back and read and comment on old posts, she did this from LONDON. she gets double points for that.

i recently opened the bag under my desk to reference something to rhiannon and now i think my office smells like pot.

haha.

seriously, my sanity runs thin between the hrs of 4 and 7 everyday......

2007 free will astrology

2007-01-02T17:38:00.000-05:00

"When the first settlers arrived in the New World, they were terrified by the vast open spaces," says Peter Anastas in the film Polis Is This. "They wanted to remake this unkempt paradise into a big English garden." This is a scenario you should not imitate in 2007, Aries. Wander out into the unknown with a cracked grin and a wild heart. Let it work its elemental magic on you. Don't be too eager to turn the frontier into a comfy hangout."

elemental magic huh? we'll see....

I Don’t Make Resolutions

2007-01-01T12:27:00.000-05:00

This year has been good to me, a huge huge improvement on the previous one. It also flew by, the way that time does when you’re not paying attention.

It was a year of restoration. Coming back around to myself again after being so gone, for so long. Realizing how I’ve changed and grown, how everything has a slightly different color, rectifying the past with the present. Putting myself back together again stronger than I was before, stronger than I’d ever thought I could or have to be. Learning. There is a certain power that comes with coming back. Taking control of my life back and knowing that it’s not something I should ever have to give up for anyone. Knowing now, that I will never be that lost again. I had faced some of my deepest fears, fucking wrestled with them, and won.

Finding ways to make my insatiable need to push and prove myself work in my favor. And finding the confidence to need to prove less and just push more.

Learning what I truly want, what I need, what really matters and what doesn’t, where I want to set my boundaries. I surprised myself a lot this year, when I realized how much I’ve grown up.

The year ahead of me is filled with promise and possibility.

Last year, I told Rhiannon that this would be our year. Her Christmas card to me this year: “You were right about this year! And I think it’ll be even more true for next year”. I agree, and I hope.

The Scientist

2006-12-28T16:15:00.000-05:00

Listening to coldplay, I forgot how much I liked this album, it's been a long long time since i listened to it. It's crazy how the opening chords of some songs can make the skin on the back of your neck tingle. This album makes me miss Florence with an indiscribable ache, the city itself and the experience. It's interesting that it no longer reminds me of old situations though. The album has finally grown with me into the present.

"I'm going back to the start"

Restless

2006-12-28T15:02:00.000-05:00

Finally got my plane tkt to SF, which will be a much needed escape. I'm in that need things to move and change phase again (did i ever really leave this phase?). I daydream about leaving the city for more than just a long weekend, moving out to SF for 6months, finding some loophole around the only things that hold me here, my apartment and my job....talking with al about the possibilities, sublet my place, make rhi and i's plan for next year work so i could actually pull this off, and get a change of scenery for a bit, spend some much needed daily life quality time with al. Shift my tangible surroundings for a bit to shift the intangible landscape of my mind and find a way to bring my many other daydreams closer to reality. I'm tired of feigning patience that i don't actually have. I know what my potential is, I just need the space, the (financial)freedom, to reach it. I want what I want and I want it now.

"Look at earth from outer space
Everyone must find the place
Give me time and give me space
Give me real, don't give me fake

Give me strength, reserve control
Give me heart and give me soul
Give me time give us a kiss
Tell me your own Politik

Open up your eyes
Open up your eyes
Open up your eyes
Open up your eyes

Give me one, cause one is best
And in confusion, confidence
Give me peace of mind and trust
And don't forget the rest of us
Give me strength, reserve control
Give me heart and give me soul
Wounds that heal and cracks that fix
tell me your own politik"

awkward anniversaries

2006-12-27T15:10:00.000-05:00

Unceremoniously threw out the remaining vestiges of last year, that i saved thinking i'd need them for some kind of reference, or thinking i'd need to dispose of them in some dramatic fashion to fit the drama they signify. But. It turns out, I didn't need any of that. Their need for a fiery farewell faded with their significance in the back of my closet, and now they sit in a plastic bag, where they truly belong, with the rest of the trash.

It's a year, a full year almost to this minute. This minute that was for me the final seconds of a long dragged out month, a long dragged out 6 months, a long dragged out year. A year that I'm still willing myself to forgive myself for, but, that will happen. Only one untold story to tell, and then I won't carry any of it around with me anymore. And I can be all the way moved on instead of just 3/4. This particular awkward anniversary will be the last.

Back to cleaning the hell out of my apartment, which i seem to need to do quarterly to maintain a sense of balance and control (with or with out awkward anniversaries).

horoscope

2006-12-20T22:20:00.000-05:00

"Happy Holy Daze, Aries! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What might inspire you to take maximum advantage of the cosmic currents in 2007? Here's my answer: a plane ticket to an exotic playground where your mind will get blown and your emotions aired out and your instincts educated. Another gift I'd love you to have would be a pilgrimage to a spot where you lived once upon a time. There you could take advantage of Nelson Mandela's counsel: "There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."

I'm not sure if SF is nessesarily exotic, but a trip to visit Al def has the promise to blow my mind and air my emotions out. I'm looking forward to it immensly. As far as a pilgrimage to a place I lived once upon a time...well, I want to go back to Italy more than words could describe. Who knows, maybe I'll be able to find my way back there sometime sooner rather than later.

why can't we be friends?

2006-12-19T16:22:00.000-05:00

final cut is my arch nemisis. i fucking hate it. no really, i do. if you got excessive myspace comments or ims from me today it's bc i spent FOREVER trying to do the same 30min layoff 5 different times. that's 2 and a half hrs of reading wonkette (and you know, excessive commenting and iming) and waiting for my damn tape to finish, only to have it finish w/o any actual video the first 4 times, because final cut sucks. and is a stupid software based program (ok fine my avid at home is software based but at least it's just a downgraded version of an editing system that isn't stupid) that has to use some stupid plug in video card, that also sucks. avid is all cool and has a pci box with cool video cards that don't need 10thousand different project settings to make them work right the first time. avid is also way way easier to troubleshoot. noah and i still aren't too sure how we fixed it, we just know that we did...for now...

i thought final cut and i had finally found a middle ground. i mean, it's been nearly 3months, we were bound to find at least a few things that worked well between us. and i thought we had. it can do some cool motion effects (even if it's whole keyframing system is kind of a pain in the ass), but you can nest effects (but then you can do that in most versions of avid too, and all of the newer versions for sure), and, um, the timecode reader effect is kinda cool i guess...ok avid is way better, but i programed final cut with my avid keyboard shortcuts and was on my way to a content compromise, until it decided to basically just be a huge, broken, pain in the ass today. for no reason at all.

i hate this fucking program.

dirty christmas cards make me happy

2006-12-19T12:50:00.000-05:00

my favorite by far

Happy Birthday Blog!

2006-12-18T16:22:00.000-05:00

My blog is now a whole year old (as of yesterday, so then, happy belated birthday blog). It feels like much much longer. Feels like decades have gone by. In a good way. Everything is so very very different than it was this time a year ago. It's been a forward push back in a way. I re-found myself. Back to the person I was but now with the wisdom of hindsight (and a better job and more money, and a renewed faith in myself and in my future). I kept all the promises I made to myself this time last year, and haven't had any more regrets since. The words exorsize and excise come to mind.

"A long december and there's reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last" - And it was, a million times better, in every possible way.

omg

2006-12-15T14:04:00.000-05:00

I have, no focus, at all, right now. Sleepy and kinda hung over. Usually, I can make dvd menus in my sleep, even the complicated, layered menu with 10 different tracks kind. But. Not today. I might as well have been sleeping trying to make this thing today. I so just want to be cuddling under my blanket right now.

Two more parties (and a play and dinner w/the fam) to go, i'm gonna be fucking embalmed by the time i get to sunday. which should make all the crazy running all over the city and finishing up of projects i have to do that all all the more interesting...

Is it christmas yet?

il coraggio di sognare

2006-12-14T17:39:00.000-05:00

i'm glad i had the words permanently inked onto my body, because sometimes, i forget to have it.

quote of the day

2006-12-14T12:27:00.000-05:00

Melis, after recieving her bday present from me: My co-workers will be like 'how was your weekend' and I'll be like 'good, I found

Jesus

'.

Matty: Just pop it in!

highlight of my day

2006-12-11T15:14:00.000-05:00

The highlight of my day so far (besides waking up with the girl i woke up with this morning) was finding the best christmas song EVER on myspace: Mariah Carey "All I Want For Christmas Is You". (ok, one of the best christmas songs ever, it's actually hard to pick, as it is with all things musical esp ones that make you nostalgic).

This song makes me so fucking happy, i wish it was appropriate to listen to it all year. I closed the door to my office so I could listen to it while I made dvds. It makes me want to dance around and throw sparkly garland on things. Maybe I should decorate my apt a little bit later....

why my g5 at work rocks

2006-12-08T18:34:00.000-05:00

bc i can compress a file in quicktime, format and burn a dvd studio pro project, layoff to a tape from (thestupidestediting softwareintheword) final cut AND write this blog all at the same time. this computer is spoling me. and may be partly responsible for my growing case of a.d.d. yay for a computer that can keep up with my level of multitasking.

quote of the day

2006-12-08T16:10:00.000-05:00

Matty: take a go-around on the vagina express huh
Me: lol
Matty: all aboard
Me: hahaha
Me: u know, i think sometimes i end up talking about vagina related things more with you than i do with some of my girl friends
Me: ha
Matty: yah pussy seems to be a hot topic with the two of us...who woulda thunk it
Me: lol

why can i not sleep?

2006-12-08T01:33:00.000-05:00

no lo so.

the hour of dissent...

2006-12-07T17:23:00.000-05:00

....must start around 5:20 for me, because just like the same time yesterday, I don't feel like being here anymore. Which, has nothing to do specifically with here specifically. It's just a need to be somewhere else after being in one place for the whole day. This is the personality trait that causes me the most frustration; I get bored way too easily, way too soon. I always want more, or new, or different. Once the challenge is out of something, it's not fun for me anymore. In some ways, this trait will help push me to achieve all of the things I hope to achieve. In other ways, I need to learn to be content sometimes. To stand still, just for a minute.

but

this week, i'm cranky and anxious and bored (and kind of insecure - sometimes i hate the hormones that come with being a girl). And I'm ready to go home for a change of scenery and projects rt now. And so I can smoke inside and work in my pj pants with the TV on in the background.

Rhiannon, when are we gonna take over the world so I can do these things all the time instead of just after 7:30 and on weekends?

quote of the day

2006-12-06T17:22:00.000-05:00

Me: Why do the creepy deli men always flirt with me?
Matty: cause ur just so tiny and edible

haha

i want to go home now. i have no work ethic at all this week.

"write a real blog"

2006-12-05T20:38:00.000-05:00

ok.

but. i haven't felt like writing anything lately. so. a "real" blog would be what, some sort of written account of something happening in my life, filtered through the reflection of my mind. well as a compromise, here's a relfection of my life:

this was the tone of my thoughts friday night:

"Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness"

I have no idea what will come of that encounter, but, i'm glad i had it.

this is what i'm reading:

"Her kiss was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering. He felt his body shaking. For anyone else, it was one thing, but for him it wasn't so easy because this man believed - and had believed for as long as he could remember - that part of him was made of glass. He imagined a wrong move in which he fell and shattered in front of her. He pulled away, even though he didn't want to. He smiled at Alma's feet, hoping she'd understand. They talked for hours.....He ran his fingers down her spine over her thin blouse, and for a moment he forgot the danger he was in, grateful for the world which purposefully puts divisions in place so that we can overcome them, feeling the joy of getting closer, even if deep down we can never forget the sadness of our insurmountable differences. Before he knew it, he was shaking violently. He seized his muscles to try to stop. Alma felt his hesitation. She leaned back and looked at him with something like hurt, and then he almost but didn't say the two sentences he'd been meaning to say for years: 'Part of me is made of glass' and also, 'I love you'."

it's a good book. i'm enjoying it. thanks melis.

this is what (but one of the many things) i'm working on:

the chair thing always looks like fun. i share two beliefs with the jews. maybe they'll let me be one long enough to do the chair thing.

this is how much space is left on my drive:

10.99GB

this is not a good thing.

and now i'm hungry. so that's it.

lack of "real" blogs

2006-11-27T16:53:00.000-05:00

but here's a quote of the day:

Matty: i just forwarded u his last message
Me: ooo ok
Me: (i'm not sure why this is all so exciting/intriguing...but it is)
Matty: lol...i'm really surprised he didn;t write lauren tho that's just strange
Me: haha if he'll "see me anyday" why didn't i get a message?
Me: i feel all left out
Me: just bc he never wanted to sleep w/me
Me:that's discrimination....
Me: i mean that one awful kiss is worth a quick myspace message i think
Matty: hehe...u paid ur dues
Me: exactly

Me: ew he's freinds with osme really ugly girl who sings or something
matty: u know her??
Me: no
Me: but she has songs on her page
Me: and she's ugly
matty: oh lol
Me: even the drawing of her for her "album cover" is ugly
matty: hahah
Me: i'm all bitchy today cuz i'm sick
Me: so i'm cranky
matty: awww
Me: and taking it out on some poor ugly girl
Me: and sean
matty: i'm sure the ugly girl deserves it
me: =)

that's what friends are for....

quote of the day

2006-11-20T12:34:00.000-05:00

Laurs: your tounge is a muscle
Laurs: use it!!
Laurs: =)

hehe

And we’re out of Nutterbutters

2006-11-16T16:24:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, even tho I like my job a lot, I just don’t feel like being there. Here. Today is one of those days. I’m all out of it. My brain is on it’s own path and stubbornly refusing to focus or cooperate. My body has joined the strike and keeps telling me that it just wants to curl up somewhere. This is not an option for at least another 4 hrs. My brain/body is not happy about this. They want to be under a blanket with a book/person/movie and then maybe do a little Christmas shopping. Plus, it feels like Friday and then I remember it’s not yet and that doesn’t help anything.

In the middle of a conversation I had with Rhiannon last night about careers and the people we know/knew (inspired by my recent close encounter with one of the stranger breeds of Tisch alumni), we decided that I’m starting my quarter-life crisis 5 months early. True to form, I am, as always, getting ahead of myself. Advice from my elder (haha you’re 26): “it actually lasts a year and a half, you’re right on track”. Wonderful. As if I don’t already think enough about my life and goals and how the past ties into the present and the future, and, well, everything….the random run-ins (and emails and ims) that I’ve gotten the past few weeks from ppl from both high school and college, ppl I haven’t talked to in years, must mean that I’m not the only one in this phase.

Me: i'm stalking nyu'ers on myspace
Me: i found carlo and jamal
Me: trying to find Jason
Me: ha
Rhi: good luck with that

[insert conversation about how we each enjoy naked cuddle time with the respective ppl we have naked cuddle time with here]

Me: i want to find jason p.
Me: boo
Me: damn myspace
Rhi: for naked cuddle time?
Rhi: tisk tisk
Me: hahaha
Me: no
Me: silly
Me: for networking
Rhi: he's really more my type
Me: exactly
Rhi: all black and male, you know?
Rhi: hahahah
Me: haha
Rhi: alright. i have to tear myself away from judge joe brown and bring ryan some food (he's not gotten lunch today)
Me: i have to continue my "do as little work as possible while i stalk alumni" quest
Rhi: good luck with that

ok....

2006-11-13T12:46:00.000-05:00

this has been the running theme of my horoscopes for weeks now:

"ARIES (March 21–April 19): When George W. Bush replaced Bill Clinton as U.S. president, Bush's adviser Karl Rove decided to take extraordinary measures in cleansing the White House of the previous occupants' energy. Rove was especially obsessed with banishing the "evil spirits" in Hillary Clinton's office, which is why he summoned three Catholic priests to perform an exorcism. I urge you to do something equally vivid in order to purge the lingering vibes of people and things that you know are no good for you, Aries. Remember, though, that this has nothing to do with perpetrating revenge or harm. It's all about cleansing and reprogramming those parts of you that are still emotionally entangled with the bad influences."

strange, very strange....

dems take the house(!)....

2006-11-08T00:24:00.001-05:00

....cross your fingers for the senate...

my two favorite stories from election day:

http://wonkette.com/politics/election-day/terrorist-squirrel-causes-chaos-in-colorado-212992.php

and

http://wonkette.com/politics/e+voting/crazed-voter-murders-diebold-voting-machine-213076.php

hahaha, ah election day....

conversation of the day:

Melis: The Dems took the House!
Me: I keep watching the numbers on the bottom of the screen, to make sure they don't take it back.
Melis: Ha, like last time.
Me: Haha, exactly.
Melis: (in cnn guy voice) "The Dems take the House tonight..."
Me: (in cnn guy voice) "....but tomorrow it'll go to the Republicans, after they hack into the machines and change all the votes....the republicans rule the world!!" And then there'll be a clip of Bush on a mountain somewhere jumping up and down and shouting "we win, we win, i RULE!"
Melis: hahaha

ah politics...at least you can laugh (while you cry on the inside) about it....

blog backlog

2006-10-31T14:01:00.000-05:00

As I'm currently all distracted and would rather be drunk and doing other things than be at work (I really do love this job tho), I'm gonna catch up on qotd's, in no real order....

The most random pickup line I've heard/read this month:
"Let me spoil you dimples.....I want to spoil you like its christmas "

what i'd rather be doing:

Laurs: its noon. you know what that means...tanqueray time!
Me: lol, i love that you waitied til noon

Ah old film school nemisi (is that a word?):

Matt: oh manhattan [manhattan, was our nickname for a certian girl, with a certian walk and a certian attitude, and a very "old money" sounding last name]...i have a feeling she's gonna be popping up in random places for  the rest of our lives
 Me: i know, we'll be like 80 and she'll come wheeling down the street at us,  it'll be full ciricle
 Me: i wonder what happened to her little lesbian sidekick
 Me: remember her?
 Me: you could tell toward the end she resented manhattan
 Matt: oh yah...she may have just been a guest star in manhattan's life tho
 Me: i always accociated her with dawn weiner
 Matt: lol

..................................................
 Me: like how'd she get to assist on palindromes? that's so not fair
 Matt: uhhh...bitch
 Me: i hate when the obnoxious assholes do well
 Me: i wonder what jodain and kenny are up to speaking of
 Me: i don't remember their last names to google them tho
 Matt: kenny that fucker
 Me: ha
 Me: remember when he told u to get off the table
 Me: i was so waiting for you to hit him
 Matt: ummmm...OF COURSE i remember that...its when my hatred began to brew
 Me: your face did that thing where if u were a cartoon steam would've been coming out of your head
 ................................................................

Me: how did she get a script into their finals?

Me: her script fucking sucked in class
 Matt: i know totally lol
 Me: although the fact that she seems to not have actually done anything with it makes me happy
 Matt: who the hell decided to write that article about her?
 Me: : i was wondering the same thing
 Matt: something's fishy
 Me: ha, i just thought of the most vulgar comment in response to that
 Me: : which actually suits her....
Matt: lol

costume tips for the hot, single and looking "dead" gay guy:
"we can place the rips over stratigic areas, ie pecs/abs
and then make them all bloody like
which perhaps will glisten nicely or something
sexy dead chic"

 

ok it's weird....

2006-10-25T18:52:00.000-04:00

....that this is so similar to the one from the other day, and they come from two different places....

"Nineteenth-century English poet Dante Gabriel Rossetti wrote a series of sensual sonnets inspired by his relationship with his wife, Elizabeth. Before he could publish them, Elizabeth died. He was so distraught he placed the only copy of his manuscript in the grave with her. Years later, he decided the love poems were too good to consign forever to the oblivion of the dirt. He had the coffin disinterred and recovered his work. I suggest you draw inspiration from this story, Aries. Reclaim riches that you once abandoned or left for dead. Halloween costume suggestions: grave digger, archaeologist, miner, psychic medium who communes with the spirits of the departed."

...and that they both make sense.

ha, nice

2006-10-24T18:06:00.000-04:00

"You might attempt to charge through the day with newfound excitement, but hidden chambers of your own subconscious are opening. You are being visited by old issues that you may have thought were resolved a long time ago. Remember, the unconscious mind does not understand our normal sense of linear time. Allow the thoughts from the past to resurface, for they can put you in touch with what is most important to you."

lock the tracks

2006-10-17T15:55:00.000-04:00

ME: in fcp, what does general error mean when you're trying to export?
RHI: try again?
ME: ha yeah - restart...
ME: apparently it wanted to go to the desktop, not the external drive
RHI: silly you. trying to put it somewhere else
ME: i know right, just bc it worked yesterday, what made me think it would work today?
ME: god, final cut is like s.
RHI: you're absolutely right
RHI: i'm glad you understand that now
ME: hahaha
ME: too bad i can't just lock her tracks....
RHI: HAHAHA
RHI: omg
RHI: so funny
RHI: that IS the secret
ME: HAHAHA
ME: i know!

(for the non-fcp ppl out there, this is so amusing to us bc while using final cut, my favorite editing program EVER, to cut her movies, the solution to almost every stupid problem that came up was, locking the tracks...and yeah, this is still probably only amusing to the two of us....tech nerd losers and metaphor junkies that we are....)