been thinkin' a lot today
Woke up, in a strange mood, to say the least. Woke up, more open, than I've been in a while. More open, than I've even allowed to myself in a while. Like something cracked, and spilled.
Woke up overwhelmed, with an intesely overwhelming desire to turn around, and run, backwards, as fast a fucking possible. It's an old familar feeling, which I haven't felt quite this acutely in a while. I used to struggle with this tug of war so much more, a few years ago. This push and pull of my ambition and my fear. I used to spend more time dwelling on my hidden desire to cling to the safety and comfort of the past in the face of a huge unknowable future. Lately though, I spend so much time pushing forward that I don't leave myself much energy to really hold back. I'd turned my yearning for the past into warm moments of nostalgia in the wake of propelling myself onward. I'd listen to my anthem, the namsake for my blog, and jump off countless ships scanning the horizon for the next bigger one.
But today I woke up overwhelmed by my fear of drowning. Tired of swiming and wanting to hold onto the edge just a little bit longer. And feeling this undefineable sense of loss, for things I'm not quite ready to let go of, even if I already have.
"And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be."
Woke up, today, feeling like Holden. Like I want my naivete back, just for a little while. Because, like half the population of this country proves, it's easier to have faith when you deny the facts of reality.
Woke up overwhelmed, with an intesely overwhelming desire to turn around, and run, backwards, as fast a fucking possible. It's an old familar feeling, which I haven't felt quite this acutely in a while. I used to struggle with this tug of war so much more, a few years ago. This push and pull of my ambition and my fear. I used to spend more time dwelling on my hidden desire to cling to the safety and comfort of the past in the face of a huge unknowable future. Lately though, I spend so much time pushing forward that I don't leave myself much energy to really hold back. I'd turned my yearning for the past into warm moments of nostalgia in the wake of propelling myself onward. I'd listen to my anthem, the namsake for my blog, and jump off countless ships scanning the horizon for the next bigger one.
But today I woke up overwhelmed by my fear of drowning. Tired of swiming and wanting to hold onto the edge just a little bit longer. And feeling this undefineable sense of loss, for things I'm not quite ready to let go of, even if I already have.
"And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be."
Woke up, today, feeling like Holden. Like I want my naivete back, just for a little while. Because, like half the population of this country proves, it's easier to have faith when you deny the facts of reality.
posted by ath at 11:23 AM
1 Comments:
this is where I was two weeks ago. you talked me down off that ledge, reminded me that it's in our blood to push forward. I hope I can do the same for you. you're beautiful, intelligent and totally talented. nobody can remember that everyday. that's why they have lovers to remind them. kisses
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