waiting waiting waiting

I'm tired. Of waiting for things. And, just in general, I'm just fucking tired.

Currently, I'm waiting for 78 Final Cut Mov's to transfer and translate themselves into Avid OMFI files. This is taking a considerable amount of time. I'm exciting to start working on this project (even tho it's another one of those freebies - which brings us to another thing I'm getting a little tired and anxious about waiting for - money) but by the time it's actually ready for me to start working on it, I'm gonna be ready to go to sleep. The footage and I seem to be destined to miss each others windows of opportunity for tonight...unless I get some kind of miraculous second wind, which, after the 12ish hrs of drinking I did yesterday, combined with the not so much sleeping I did last night, followed up by the getting up early and running all around central park lugging heavy things in even heavier heat (while still kinda drunk for the first 2hrs or so....) that I did all day today (capturing the footage that I'm now so eager to get my hands on) yeah...it will be miraculous indeed.

My therapist tells me I have no patience for patience. For the most part, this is pretty accurate. But this year I've tried to make myself have what I previously would have thought of as an unsubstantiated faith in things. In my career, in other people, in myself.

It's hard. But, I've been a lot happier this year than I've been in a while. Happier than I've been since I left college. I finally feel like I'm moving toward something. I just have to wait. For it all to pan out. But in the meantime, I could really use some stupid bullshit job to pay me some decent money...(ie: l.w.) it'll make all this waiting for the things that really matter a little bit easier, if I know that I can at least pay my rent and health insurance, and therapist, and credit cards, and electric bill, and the list goes on... I don't mind waiting for the good projects, for the headspace to write my own, for all the things I want, as long as I get enough along the way to make all those other opportunities possible.

I never knew how tenacious I really was until I found myself finally on the edge of something I really want, and holding on as tight as I can. Once I know what I want, I just simply refuse to let go. This is the strategy that was recommended to me by I don't know how many professors at NYU. When things get hard, when you leave the safe walls of academia and the real competition starts, the people who are the most passionate, the most driven, the ones who don't get scared and give in and give up, the ones left hanging on to the edge when everyone else has dropped off around them, they'll be the ones who make it over the ledge to the other side.

I'm counting on my passion to carry me through.