nicotine

owns me. i did good. really. i didn't smoke any cigarettes at all since 12:45 am tuesday night (wed morning? whatever). wed i was too doped up and slept all day and didn't care. thursday was a bit of a struggle but the threat of pulling out the stitches in my mouth and getting an infection helped solidify my willpower, today, was more of a struggle. i'm cranky as fuck, and i finally just gave in. i called the dentist this afternoon and asked them how bad it would really be if i smoked, just a little...the receptionist woman said "as i mother, i think you should just stop, but if you really can't, then put some gauze over the stitches and have a few puffs...you're gonna hang up right now and do that aren't you?" me: "no! i'm really gonna try, i just wanted to know just in case". and, i really did try, for 5 and a half more hours. but, finally, i just couldn't do it anymore. now i gotta go rinse with the salt water to dissenfect and heal and all that.....

oh, and, p.s. i'm sick of mushy food. really. i've made a pact with melis: if i'm ever so old that that's all i can eat, she will kavorkian me off a cliff or something, preferrably, with a cigarette in my mouth....