damn insomnia
I was tired the whole second half of today, i walked all the way down to, and through, little italy and back, fought off sleep from 9 to 10, (while i fought with Final Cut and it's refusal to reconnect media, bastard) and then, finally, I climb into bed to find myself hopelessly awake. Fun. And on top of that, after laying around and thinking about all the things I think about, I start to get kinda sleepy, and then my stupid fucking subconscious springs a random, unwelcome flashback of sorts on me, and so now i'm up and smoking and writing this blog even tho I have an insanely long day tomorrow (that i need to be very coherent for during my usual body clock crashing hrs of 6-8 which I usually prefer to spend having quiet time alone with dinner and my avid, ok and sometimes my bed for like a half an hr....) and another long day tuesday, and thursday, and probably wed. as well if Jenn is around to teach me how to deal with alpha channels in final cut....ugh. Maybe it's all this shit floating around in my head that's keeping me from sleeping.
I want it to be the beginning of the weekend and not the end. I want to start my new job now, both out of excitement and anxiety. I want the Japanese movie to be over. I'm trying to get it out of the way by the end of Thursday...but if I know Tak, that's not gonna happen. sigh. I want final cut to reconnect my media so i can throw a rough cut of the little kid movie together (but Rhi's gonna help me fix that tomorrow after our little DJ woman meeting, right Rhi?). tomorrow is actually today and I really want to be asleep. I don't want random flashback memories that I don't know how I feel about and make me feel mixed things about myself. I guess there are things I still don't understand the way that I need to to let them go. How can you re-associate something(s) if they're still so connected to other things, that you now sorta regret? How do you take the good from something so so bad? Detach the fucked up aspects of it all from the part of you that was intrigued enough to end up there in the first place...tricky...and while I've managed to do that in some ways, in other ways, everything is just too parallel to the bad parts of it all. There was a level of intensity that was the driving force behind it all, behind both the heat and the destruction, and after being dragged along that ride (a ride that's difficult for me to even explain. how do you project memories like that onto a wall for other people to understand them? Is it even possible anywhere outside of a script? Simple re-telling would never get the point across, you need lighting with shadows, the subtleties given away in art direction and wardrobe, manipulative dialogue that's spun like a web before the character trapped in the middle realizes that they've let themselves be hung, you need composition and suggestive angles, the passion of a performance - you need mis-en-scene)......it's tricky......
I want to understand why certain sides of my personality only come out at certain times. It's interesting where peoples insecurities lie. Not so much what they are, most people have very similar insecurities, but more so where and how they present themselves. The symptoms intrigue me more so than the disease. I like understanding the why's. And being the way that I am, I get frustrated when I don't understand my own.
"When I counted up my demons
Saw there was one for every day
With the good ones on my shoulders
I drove the other ones away"
I want it to be the beginning of the weekend and not the end. I want to start my new job now, both out of excitement and anxiety. I want the Japanese movie to be over. I'm trying to get it out of the way by the end of Thursday...but if I know Tak, that's not gonna happen. sigh. I want final cut to reconnect my media so i can throw a rough cut of the little kid movie together (but Rhi's gonna help me fix that tomorrow after our little DJ woman meeting, right Rhi?). tomorrow is actually today and I really want to be asleep. I don't want random flashback memories that I don't know how I feel about and make me feel mixed things about myself. I guess there are things I still don't understand the way that I need to to let them go. How can you re-associate something(s) if they're still so connected to other things, that you now sorta regret? How do you take the good from something so so bad? Detach the fucked up aspects of it all from the part of you that was intrigued enough to end up there in the first place...tricky...and while I've managed to do that in some ways, in other ways, everything is just too parallel to the bad parts of it all. There was a level of intensity that was the driving force behind it all, behind both the heat and the destruction, and after being dragged along that ride (a ride that's difficult for me to even explain. how do you project memories like that onto a wall for other people to understand them? Is it even possible anywhere outside of a script? Simple re-telling would never get the point across, you need lighting with shadows, the subtleties given away in art direction and wardrobe, manipulative dialogue that's spun like a web before the character trapped in the middle realizes that they've let themselves be hung, you need composition and suggestive angles, the passion of a performance - you need mis-en-scene)......it's tricky......
I want to understand why certain sides of my personality only come out at certain times. It's interesting where peoples insecurities lie. Not so much what they are, most people have very similar insecurities, but more so where and how they present themselves. The symptoms intrigue me more so than the disease. I like understanding the why's. And being the way that I am, I get frustrated when I don't understand my own.
"When I counted up my demons
Saw there was one for every day
With the good ones on my shoulders
I drove the other ones away"
posted by ath at 1:27 AM
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