Tired of waiting

Chain smoking with coffee in my park, talking to Rhiannon about our mutual frustration. As we are in nearly identical places, she seems to be the only one I can have these conversations with and actually feel understood, actually feel better, find some semblance of hope in my plans, that my (our) goals are with in reach.

This is something I need to remind myself of sometimes. I’ll reach a point of semi-surrender, of compliance. But those phases never last long, I’m not happy compromising my dreams. I’ll let myself be overwhelmed temporarily, but it ends up just making me more frustrated and then more motivated. That’s what my tattoos are for. When things get too hard or frustrating, I just have to look at myself. Remember that this is something I want bad enough to needle it into my flesh, and that the pain of that process is analogous to the pain of this frustration. The needles were worth it, and this will be too. By etching my reminders into my skin, these physical symbols of what’s always been inside, I am forced to look to myself for the answers, and that is always the kick start I need. This is who I am, I can not do, or be anything else.

I chose the word “courage” carefully for my first one. I knew that that last year of college was probably going to be the last year I felt fulfilled creatively for a while, and I’d need courage, to not give up, sell out to some bullshit 9-5 for any longer than necessary to carry me to the next step, and the next, and the next…to learn to find fulfillment in any other way I could in the meantime, the courage to learn patience, something I’ve never been good at when it comes to life goals (I can sit and do puzzles for hours…but I can never wait for something I really want).

Growing up, and even during college, I’d always romanticized this idea of being an “artist”. But actually trying to be one, to support yourself in all necessary tangible ways sometimes means compromising what you need to fulfill yourself creatively, mentally, spiritually. No one taught me how to build a career in this crazy fucking industry. It is all a game and all you can do is guess at the best strategy. Test your hypothesis’s, learn from cause and effect. My parents advice is useless, their careers are so vastly different from mine and while they mean well, their words don’t help much beyond moral support. I was lucky to have some good professors who gave me some good advice, but it’s all taking longer than I want it to, and it's getting harder and harder to console myself with my elaborate daydreams of my future.

A friend told me once that I live too much in my head. She meant it as an insult of sorts, or more like a complaint. But I took it as a compliment. My inner life is my solace, and my strength. If you can visualize yourself doing something, then you can actually do it in reality. I already have made parts of the world I created in my head into reality. NYU was a huge part of that, which is why I miss it so much sometimes. After spending 4 years being able to actually make the movies that play in your head, it’s unbelievably stifling to have to put that process on hold.

So I sit in the park on the phone, calculating figures, going over strategy, trying to figure out how to put ourselves in the financial positions we need to be in to go for that next step, and how to get to that step, and the next, and the next and the next…

I am so so tired of having to compromise. This is who I am, I can not do, or be anything else. And so there is no room for compromise.

"but i've had a lack of inhabition
i've had a loss of perspective
i've had a little bit to drink
and it's making me think
that i can jump ship and swim
that the ocean will hold me
that there's got to be more
than this boat i'm in
they can call me crazy if i fall
all the chance i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me
i'm moving at the speed of sound
i'm just gonna get my feet wet
until i drown
i teeter between tired
and really, really tired
i'm wiped out and i'm wired
but i guess that's just as well
cuz i've built my own empire
out of car tires and chicken wire
and now i'm queen of my own compost heap
and i'm getting used to the smell
i've had a lack of information
i've had a little revelation
i'm climbing up on the railing
trying not to look down
i'm going to do my best swan dive
into shark infested waters
i'm going to pull out my tampon
and start splashing around
cuz i don't care if they eat me alive
i've got better things to do than survive"