retreat

"i'm so tired, but i can't sleep"

it's an old familiar feeling, that i recognize so much earlier, so much easier, am able to define so much more acutely now than all the years, times, before. more so than even a few months ago. my new therapist really must be good. i knew there was a reason i liked her.

partly, it's the fear that comes with feeling overwhelmed. with juggling. trying to keep so many balls in the air at once, wondering which one is going to fall and knock you down first. with investing.....in hope. gambling on the future, and the present. and now i'm treading into Albee's mixing metaphors territory. sometimes i wonder how much what i'm reading at any given time effects my train of thought when i'm not actually reading it. but that thought is way off track from where i started....

to find myself in positions that have potential, can be harder to handle than the opposite. b/c the potential for greater disappointment comes with it. and i wonder if that's partly why i.....


there are strings of words, like control, fear, and insecurity, that are all each others cause and effect, depending on the situation. and as i rearrange them in my head, like pieces of a puzzle, i come up with a new picture every time. like editing. the same strips of film, placed side by side, will make a new story every time, depending which side of each other they're on. but each story will still share the same theme.

it can be a very strange thing to understand yourself but to still end up feeling somewhat.....no lo so

i'm tired of uncertainty - real or imagined....