overwhelmed
There is way too much going on right now.
My gram is kinda sick, but more ok than she was. Which is good. But now my grandpa's brother is in the hospital b/c he had a heart attack and his kidney's are failing and there's a 10% chance that he'll make it, and so my dad left his after work client early, to drive my grandpa to jersey, to be at the hospital during the 6hr surgery. uncle tony was always my favorite of my grandpas brothers, even tho it's been a while since i've seen him. when i was little he'd make jokes in this really awful british accent to make me laugh. he was married like 5 times and even in his 80's he still managed to be something of a player...this is also the anniversary of when my grams best friend died last year...and with all this i can't help but wonder if my grandparents are sitting there, watching their peers, these people they've known and loved their whole lives, drop around them, and wonder when it'll be their turn. it is the most depressing thought in the world. my gram said to me tonight 'there's nothing i can do, i just have to move foward' and she's right, but you can hear the sadness lingering in her voice, with a hint of uncertainty. hell, i sit and watch their friends die, and wonder when they'll go. and silently hope, as hard as it is to see them sad at their own losses, that all their friends go first, so i can have them longer, and not have to feel the weight of my own loss. i don't let go well. never did. loss is a concept i do not really know how to deal with. this concept makes all of the other things that are overwhelming my brain right now (all my own issues with life and love and ambition) pale in comparisson as far as difficult situations go....but at the same time, it makes me want to sort it all out even more...my mom went off on one of her 'you have to appriciate every moment' tangents on the phone, and she too is right, even tho the fact that she focuses on shit like this a lot in general and i've heard this speach many many times before, takes away some of it's impact. i just hate hearing the people i look to for strength sound weak, even tho their trying not to...that actually makes it worse....and i hate how motherfucking helpless i feel...
this is also my parents anniversary weekend, which, is appropriate, b/c if anything is a symbol of the continual cycle of endings and beginnings, it is their marraige.
i really really need a break. i hate feelings. i don't want to feel anything for a little while. b/c i have way too many feelings happening right now.
and i have to find a way to shut it all off and find the motovation i need to get the shit done that i need to get done right now.
My gram is kinda sick, but more ok than she was. Which is good. But now my grandpa's brother is in the hospital b/c he had a heart attack and his kidney's are failing and there's a 10% chance that he'll make it, and so my dad left his after work client early, to drive my grandpa to jersey, to be at the hospital during the 6hr surgery. uncle tony was always my favorite of my grandpas brothers, even tho it's been a while since i've seen him. when i was little he'd make jokes in this really awful british accent to make me laugh. he was married like 5 times and even in his 80's he still managed to be something of a player...this is also the anniversary of when my grams best friend died last year...and with all this i can't help but wonder if my grandparents are sitting there, watching their peers, these people they've known and loved their whole lives, drop around them, and wonder when it'll be their turn. it is the most depressing thought in the world. my gram said to me tonight 'there's nothing i can do, i just have to move foward' and she's right, but you can hear the sadness lingering in her voice, with a hint of uncertainty. hell, i sit and watch their friends die, and wonder when they'll go. and silently hope, as hard as it is to see them sad at their own losses, that all their friends go first, so i can have them longer, and not have to feel the weight of my own loss. i don't let go well. never did. loss is a concept i do not really know how to deal with. this concept makes all of the other things that are overwhelming my brain right now (all my own issues with life and love and ambition) pale in comparisson as far as difficult situations go....but at the same time, it makes me want to sort it all out even more...my mom went off on one of her 'you have to appriciate every moment' tangents on the phone, and she too is right, even tho the fact that she focuses on shit like this a lot in general and i've heard this speach many many times before, takes away some of it's impact. i just hate hearing the people i look to for strength sound weak, even tho their trying not to...that actually makes it worse....and i hate how motherfucking helpless i feel...
this is also my parents anniversary weekend, which, is appropriate, b/c if anything is a symbol of the continual cycle of endings and beginnings, it is their marraige.
i really really need a break. i hate feelings. i don't want to feel anything for a little while. b/c i have way too many feelings happening right now.
and i have to find a way to shut it all off and find the motovation i need to get the shit done that i need to get done right now.
posted by ath at 9:05 PM
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