lack of internal cooperation
I wish I was as tired as I should be right now.
I wish my living room wasn't a million fucking degrees b/c I have no control over the heat and no cross breeze.
I wish I had more control. Of my head (among other things). And could turn it off when I wanted it to stop. Shut it down like my mac, for the night.
Last night, somewhere in the throes of half-non-sleep, around 2am I think, I did come up with some good plot points that have been missing from my script. Broken bottle of Makers (it has to be Makers) and fingerprints. And timing. And pictures.
It's funny how when I read it back, those last 3 sentences are like a little symbolic image of a phase of my life and how I didn't do that on purpose. Huh.
When I'm in one of these cycles, I think better at night. I want to work, to cut and write and think, at night. But as I'm still stuck living in the 9-5 world (a schedule that's never suited me, the same way that going to the same place to do the same job for months on end has never suited my personality - I've always had a very love/hate relationship with change, but I dream of a more freelance lifestyle, where projects and places to work on them change every few months, and ideally, one of those places to work is a part of the space I live in, and some of those projects are mine...but I digress...) this really isn't an option right now. I wish someone would tell my fired up brain synapses that.
It's funny how the things you try to avoid follow you. I wonder if I'll have to deal with these 3 (4? more?) things soon. I wonder if their intrusion into my thoughts will cease when I do. I know that it will work with one. But not so much with the others. No, those will just change and grow into new versions of themselves. Become more or less manageable. And that's ok, sort of, b/c some things are worth thinking about, even if you'd rather not.
It's funny how some things need to be dealt with head on. And how others can only be dealt with by not focusing on them too much. Some things carry a delicate line, that maybe has a lot to do with timing. Denial is a very popular game in my family, and one I don't want to play. I've seen where it leads and it's not where I want to end up. 80-something, addicted to being doped up out of my mind, and miserable. Relying on people, who's once-love turned to mixed sadness and resentment as you slipped farther and farther away, with a granddaughter who cringes at the sound of your voice on the phone, and who used to hide behind the couch with her cousin as kids when you were phoned on Christmas Eve(s). But oddly, at the same time, is grateful to you for being her reminder.
It is important to be who you are, and go after what you want, no matter how scary or difficult it is, what(who)ever tries to stand in your way. This is advice I need to be less afraid to take in certain areas of my own life.
And right now I'm wondering how this written out wandering train of thought started where it started and traveled to where it's gone. And I'm not drunk, or high, or anything. Just awake when I know I really need to not be.
I wish my living room wasn't a million fucking degrees b/c I have no control over the heat and no cross breeze.
I wish I had more control. Of my head (among other things). And could turn it off when I wanted it to stop. Shut it down like my mac, for the night.
Last night, somewhere in the throes of half-non-sleep, around 2am I think, I did come up with some good plot points that have been missing from my script. Broken bottle of Makers (it has to be Makers) and fingerprints. And timing. And pictures.
It's funny how when I read it back, those last 3 sentences are like a little symbolic image of a phase of my life and how I didn't do that on purpose. Huh.
When I'm in one of these cycles, I think better at night. I want to work, to cut and write and think, at night. But as I'm still stuck living in the 9-5 world (a schedule that's never suited me, the same way that going to the same place to do the same job for months on end has never suited my personality - I've always had a very love/hate relationship with change, but I dream of a more freelance lifestyle, where projects and places to work on them change every few months, and ideally, one of those places to work is a part of the space I live in, and some of those projects are mine...but I digress...) this really isn't an option right now. I wish someone would tell my fired up brain synapses that.
It's funny how the things you try to avoid follow you. I wonder if I'll have to deal with these 3 (4? more?) things soon. I wonder if their intrusion into my thoughts will cease when I do. I know that it will work with one. But not so much with the others. No, those will just change and grow into new versions of themselves. Become more or less manageable. And that's ok, sort of, b/c some things are worth thinking about, even if you'd rather not.
It's funny how some things need to be dealt with head on. And how others can only be dealt with by not focusing on them too much. Some things carry a delicate line, that maybe has a lot to do with timing. Denial is a very popular game in my family, and one I don't want to play. I've seen where it leads and it's not where I want to end up. 80-something, addicted to being doped up out of my mind, and miserable. Relying on people, who's once-love turned to mixed sadness and resentment as you slipped farther and farther away, with a granddaughter who cringes at the sound of your voice on the phone, and who used to hide behind the couch with her cousin as kids when you were phoned on Christmas Eve(s). But oddly, at the same time, is grateful to you for being her reminder.
It is important to be who you are, and go after what you want, no matter how scary or difficult it is, what(who)ever tries to stand in your way. This is advice I need to be less afraid to take in certain areas of my own life.
And right now I'm wondering how this written out wandering train of thought started where it started and traveled to where it's gone. And I'm not drunk, or high, or anything. Just awake when I know I really need to not be.
posted by ath at 1:12 AM
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