FUCK
Shit Rhiannon, that digging holes thing you wrote about earlier...yeah...I just fell into my own huge hole and it's my own damn fault and this sucks. I'm too intoxicated and too filled with emotion to even attempt at an analogy right now, so I'm not even going to try. I just realized, to it's fullest extent that "be careful what you wish for" thing.
Sitting in my apartment, listening to radiohead, wanting to turn it up, to drown myself in the sound until there's nothing else, not sure if I feel like crying or throwing something...this is a recently-old-new familiar feeling, but one I thought I was done with. Apparently I was wrong. I'm not entirely sure what to do with this right now. Who to call to talk it out with, if anyone at all. I want advice and I want to be left alone. I just don't want to feel this way. I thought I was done. I thought too soon. And I should have never looked in the first place. Don't even know why I did.
How is it that one second of one detail can bring on a flood of memories that hit you like a wall. Things that you worked hard to forget, to push away, to move back until your heart could handle their presence, they flood through you in the span of a moment, and leave you feeling lost and empty for countless moments after.
How can something be so true and so untrue at the same time? Such a clear declaration, and such a betrayal. And how is it a betrayal, when it was my decision in the first place? Because it was a decision I made b/c I had to. Because I had no other options left if I wanted to have any of myself left. Because no one knows what I know. And no one will ever know like I did.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
"She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out
And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time, all the time"
-Radiohead, "Fake Plastic Trees"
"please bleed
so i know that you are real
so i know that you can feel
the damage that you've done
who have i become
to myself i am numb"
-Ben Harper, "Please Bleed"
Sitting in my apartment, listening to radiohead, wanting to turn it up, to drown myself in the sound until there's nothing else, not sure if I feel like crying or throwing something...this is a recently-old-new familiar feeling, but one I thought I was done with. Apparently I was wrong. I'm not entirely sure what to do with this right now. Who to call to talk it out with, if anyone at all. I want advice and I want to be left alone. I just don't want to feel this way. I thought I was done. I thought too soon. And I should have never looked in the first place. Don't even know why I did.
How is it that one second of one detail can bring on a flood of memories that hit you like a wall. Things that you worked hard to forget, to push away, to move back until your heart could handle their presence, they flood through you in the span of a moment, and leave you feeling lost and empty for countless moments after.
How can something be so true and so untrue at the same time? Such a clear declaration, and such a betrayal. And how is it a betrayal, when it was my decision in the first place? Because it was a decision I made b/c I had to. Because I had no other options left if I wanted to have any of myself left. Because no one knows what I know. And no one will ever know like I did.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
"She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out
And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time, all the time"
-Radiohead, "Fake Plastic Trees"
"please bleed
so i know that you are real
so i know that you can feel
the damage that you've done
who have i become
to myself i am numb"
-Ben Harper, "Please Bleed"
posted by ath at 10:52 PM
3 Comments:
life is never cut and dry.
life is never black and white.
life is never one thing or the other.
life is a mess, so get messy missy!
and i was definitely intoxicated last nite too.
We dig our holes because we're afraid to forget. Making peace and letting go might somehow make it less real.
i downloaded Fake Plastic Trees. Thinking of you.
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