are you ready?
That has been the theme of the weekend, and yeah...I am.
Part 1: Do you want fries with that relationship?
The only customers in Blue 9 after midnight, over fries:
S: I was thinking that I want you to be my girlfriend
C: Ok
S: Are you sure?
C: Yeah
S: Ok
C: So then I'm your girlfriend?
S: Yeah.
And it was simpler to say than I thought it'd be. There was no knot in my stomach, no weight tumbling down onto my shoulders, and this was unfamiliar to me. Instead, there was a sort of hesitant giddiness.
And while I'm still surprised to find myself here right now, I'm happy, and excited, and curious and comfortable. Not as freaked out as I thought I'd be, or at least not in the same way.
For me, the label, the words, "relationship" and "girlfriend" had become associated with the cage I locked myself in when I locked myself to M, and with the emotional train wreck of a fight I had to put up to get myself out of that cage.
I didn't realize until mid-today that it was that association I was really afraid of, and that I know I have no reason to fear that now, and that is what made it easy to say.
What freaks me out now though, is tricky to explain . I have a new layer of trust and vunlerability issues that I didn't have before. I'm kind of gun-shy, afraid to get too close, too attached, to fall too hard too fast.
But I only have so much control over that...because I am falling...hard...
I think it will be ok. It feels right. Which is also something I'm unfamiliar with, and in a way, makes it that much scarier. But, I really think it will be ok. I think it will be good.
Quote of the weekend, part 1:
S: We don't have good L Word names.
Maybe that's a good thing...
Part 2:
Finally got my tattoo. And I think it took me until today to get it for a reason. Timing, is everything. And it can be so so strange. A week before my birthday, 5 years to the day my dog died (who was my very first best friend, my sidekick, my sibling, my partner in crime, my confidant, my comfort, seriously I loved that dog more than I've loved some people, she was a person to me), and on the brink of a new adventure. It's only fitting.
Much like my first, I chose to have these words needled into my flesh permanently to remind me of things I never want to forget. My first one, in the shape of a flame reads "il corragio di songare" - "the courage to dream" in italian. I got it after a life widening semester abroad, and right before my senior year of college. Somehow I knew I'd need those words there at the end of that year, to get me through the tedious, competitive, often discouraging years to follow. The years I'm still trying to get though. The flame is for creation - the power inherent in it, and needed to sustain it, for life and light and passion. My passion for what I do. For what I want to do. It is a flame that will never go out, and so I will always need the courage to face the obstacles that will try to get in the way of my dreams.
My new one, "InvokeProvokeEvoke" is my life mantra. I came across it at the age of 15. They are symbolic of what I want to put out into the world and what I want to get back from it, on all levels, in all areas of my life. They too will remind me to stay on track, to not give in, to never compromise the things that are the most important to me, to never stop learning and trying to teach, to never stop listening and seeing, speaking and showing. To get back what I put out, to put out my all and never settle for anything less.
I actually watched the process this time and it was amazing. It took my mind off the pain a bit, as the very nice tattoo guy, C-Jay said it would (also weird, as my childhood nickname, which half my family and a few old friends still call me by are my first two initials, CJ). I watched the needle pierce my flesh and leave a trail of ink in it's wake. The ink spattered and mixed with the droplets of blood smearing across my skin, which was growing redder and puffier by the second. But none of that bothered me the way I would have expected it to. I was too fascinated to watch and feel it happen. I needed to see with my own eyes and feel in my nerve endings this symbolic change take place. The physical manifestation of the recent shifts within. It hurt, but not as much as I expected it to. And so for the second time this weekend, I surprised myself by being able to handle more than I expected.
I had a very good weekend.
Quote of the weekend part2:
tattoo guy: Are you ready?
me: Yeah, I am.
Part 1: Do you want fries with that relationship?
The only customers in Blue 9 after midnight, over fries:
S: I was thinking that I want you to be my girlfriend
C: Ok
S: Are you sure?
C: Yeah
S: Ok
C: So then I'm your girlfriend?
S: Yeah.
And it was simpler to say than I thought it'd be. There was no knot in my stomach, no weight tumbling down onto my shoulders, and this was unfamiliar to me. Instead, there was a sort of hesitant giddiness.
And while I'm still surprised to find myself here right now, I'm happy, and excited, and curious and comfortable. Not as freaked out as I thought I'd be, or at least not in the same way.
For me, the label, the words, "relationship" and "girlfriend" had become associated with the cage I locked myself in when I locked myself to M, and with the emotional train wreck of a fight I had to put up to get myself out of that cage.
I didn't realize until mid-today that it was that association I was really afraid of, and that I know I have no reason to fear that now, and that is what made it easy to say.
What freaks me out now though, is tricky to explain . I have a new layer of trust and vunlerability issues that I didn't have before. I'm kind of gun-shy, afraid to get too close, too attached, to fall too hard too fast.
But I only have so much control over that...because I am falling...hard...
I think it will be ok. It feels right. Which is also something I'm unfamiliar with, and in a way, makes it that much scarier. But, I really think it will be ok. I think it will be good.
Quote of the weekend, part 1:
S: We don't have good L Word names.
Maybe that's a good thing...
Part 2:
Finally got my tattoo. And I think it took me until today to get it for a reason. Timing, is everything. And it can be so so strange. A week before my birthday, 5 years to the day my dog died (who was my very first best friend, my sidekick, my sibling, my partner in crime, my confidant, my comfort, seriously I loved that dog more than I've loved some people, she was a person to me), and on the brink of a new adventure. It's only fitting.
Much like my first, I chose to have these words needled into my flesh permanently to remind me of things I never want to forget. My first one, in the shape of a flame reads "il corragio di songare" - "the courage to dream" in italian. I got it after a life widening semester abroad, and right before my senior year of college. Somehow I knew I'd need those words there at the end of that year, to get me through the tedious, competitive, often discouraging years to follow. The years I'm still trying to get though. The flame is for creation - the power inherent in it, and needed to sustain it, for life and light and passion. My passion for what I do. For what I want to do. It is a flame that will never go out, and so I will always need the courage to face the obstacles that will try to get in the way of my dreams.
My new one, "InvokeProvokeEvoke" is my life mantra. I came across it at the age of 15. They are symbolic of what I want to put out into the world and what I want to get back from it, on all levels, in all areas of my life. They too will remind me to stay on track, to not give in, to never compromise the things that are the most important to me, to never stop learning and trying to teach, to never stop listening and seeing, speaking and showing. To get back what I put out, to put out my all and never settle for anything less.
I actually watched the process this time and it was amazing. It took my mind off the pain a bit, as the very nice tattoo guy, C-Jay said it would (also weird, as my childhood nickname, which half my family and a few old friends still call me by are my first two initials, CJ). I watched the needle pierce my flesh and leave a trail of ink in it's wake. The ink spattered and mixed with the droplets of blood smearing across my skin, which was growing redder and puffier by the second. But none of that bothered me the way I would have expected it to. I was too fascinated to watch and feel it happen. I needed to see with my own eyes and feel in my nerve endings this symbolic change take place. The physical manifestation of the recent shifts within. It hurt, but not as much as I expected it to. And so for the second time this weekend, I surprised myself by being able to handle more than I expected.
I had a very good weekend.
Quote of the weekend part2:
tattoo guy: Are you ready?
me: Yeah, I am.
posted by ath at 12:27 AM
2 Comments:
I'm not entirely sure why, but I actually sort of teared up while reading this. I'm sure part of it was the general crappy mood I've been in lately, but the rest of it, I'm not sure why. I think it's partly because I'm proud of you for taking steps when you don't know exactly where they'll lead, partly because of Tasha and how much she will always mean to you, partly because you sound happy and self-assured, and hell, part of it might have to do with thinking about tattoo needles, I don't know.
But.
Congrats.
:)
to celebrate our new adventure - we were given FREE blue nine cheeseburgers on our next visit. Even the cashier encouraged us to come back for more. xoxo
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