painfully honest - redux
The past, melts, into the present, melting into the future. The span of this movement, this melding of time is an instantaneous eternity. It happens in seconds and takes years.
Spent the last two nights creating new memories in the midst of sharing old ones. And wondering how, and if, it's possible to start a new foundation on ground that is still littered with errant piles of rubble from the previous fallout. Can you move boulders and lay cement at the same time? Will the contractors charge me more for that? Do I have the money and the tools? And are the boulders too heavy to move? Do I have to chisel them down to manageable pieces? Sculpting statues to the past, throwing them ceremoniously to the rocks, watching the pieces shatter, releasing their power. I'd never invested so much, and I'd never built anything that monumental to have it cave in on me before (largely out of the innate fear of the fallout) and while I've managed to clear away a lot more of the rubble than I ever thought I could by now ("moving at a clip" as my wonderful therapist put it), I still question the resources at my disposal to start again.
See, M.'s love consumed me like a fire. I was too enthralled with the power and beauty of the flames, to realize how badly I was getting burned. I have just recently learned how to shake off my wariness from that freshly healed wound. And am now trying to understand the new insecurities that come with it.
All of that, is the scary part.
But, like you said, there is an ease, a connection of familiarity, that is impossible to ignore. And even in wondering how exactly we got here and where the hell we're going, that same pull will still be there. To sit and share with someone you feel like you've known much longer than you actually have is incredible.
"the newness. the uncertainty. the chaos of this totally terrifies me. but it also totally turns me on. it's good to feel light again. to get to know someone again. to live. " that, is exactly how i feel. no expectations, or pressure. wherever it goes.
My past, present and future have all been bumping into each other this past month. And somehow, I think that could be a good thing.
Since I'm forever obsessed with song lyrics, an old favorite, that always comes back into my life, different and more appropriate than it was the time before.
"Taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
I am
colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am...fine"
Spent the last two nights creating new memories in the midst of sharing old ones. And wondering how, and if, it's possible to start a new foundation on ground that is still littered with errant piles of rubble from the previous fallout. Can you move boulders and lay cement at the same time? Will the contractors charge me more for that? Do I have the money and the tools? And are the boulders too heavy to move? Do I have to chisel them down to manageable pieces? Sculpting statues to the past, throwing them ceremoniously to the rocks, watching the pieces shatter, releasing their power. I'd never invested so much, and I'd never built anything that monumental to have it cave in on me before (largely out of the innate fear of the fallout) and while I've managed to clear away a lot more of the rubble than I ever thought I could by now ("moving at a clip" as my wonderful therapist put it), I still question the resources at my disposal to start again.
See, M.'s love consumed me like a fire. I was too enthralled with the power and beauty of the flames, to realize how badly I was getting burned. I have just recently learned how to shake off my wariness from that freshly healed wound. And am now trying to understand the new insecurities that come with it.
All of that, is the scary part.
But, like you said, there is an ease, a connection of familiarity, that is impossible to ignore. And even in wondering how exactly we got here and where the hell we're going, that same pull will still be there. To sit and share with someone you feel like you've known much longer than you actually have is incredible.
"the newness. the uncertainty. the chaos of this totally terrifies me. but it also totally turns me on. it's good to feel light again. to get to know someone again. to live. " that, is exactly how i feel. no expectations, or pressure. wherever it goes.
My past, present and future have all been bumping into each other this past month. And somehow, I think that could be a good thing.
Since I'm forever obsessed with song lyrics, an old favorite, that always comes back into my life, different and more appropriate than it was the time before.
"Taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
I am
colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am...fine"
posted by ath at 8:07 PM
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