resurection

Today I did something I haven’t done in two years: wrote a shot list. This is a HUGE deal. I’ve toyed with scripts, images, characters…in my head these past two years, took notes, made outlines, got stuck. Set myself a mountain of a challenge with my feature, my baby, that I’m still trying to sort out. Of course, I make things harder than they need to be for myself, I wouldn’t be myself if I didn’t…I decide to make a feature that relies on both complicated plot twists and very strong, yet somewhat elusive, characters. It’s a kick ass idea, it’ll be amazing once I sort it all out….but it’s tough, and I got stuck. Then I got an idea for a short. A good one. I’ve done plenty of shorts. I can do this. And it could be good. So I headed to the park this morning, armed with iced coffee, a fresh pack of Camels and my notebook….I intended to just come up with an outline of sorts, sort out my train of thought. For the first time in a long time, I remembered how to do this and that I’m good at doing this and how fucking good it feels. How right, how me, it feels. For the first time in a long time, I had my flow back. “writing is re-writing” first drafts are just that, and so you have to just let go of whatever semblance of control you’ll need for drafts 3 and 4 and just pour it all out. I forgot how to do that (in all areas of my life) But today, half the day later, I have a complete first draft shot list, and a ton of notes to build on. Fucking awesome. Bounced the idea off some people and it already has good audience feedback. Awesome. And…the best part, is that it’s actually shootable (unlike my feature at the moment, which I’m gonna need a whole lot more money before it’s anywhere near shootable). I could have this film made by the end of the summerish….and I intend to….

Walking to and from the park today (with all that coffee, it’s good that my bathroom is a mere 20ft down the street from my favorite bench) I realized that I do actually have some of the pieces of the life I used to sit in my bedroom on Long Island and dream for myself. I remembered parts of the conversation I had with my dad earlier this week. About the power of our thoughts, and thinking negative will only take you negative places. Thinking positive will yield positive results. As usual, he was right.

My therapist tells me it’s a good thing that I think, speak, live in metaphors as much as I do. And she too, is right. I’m a filmmaker at my core. I’m meant to reflect and refract life through the prism of my imagination, to achieve connection, catharsis, inspire further thought and emotion in both myself and others.

I sat in the park today and for the first time in a long time left the “real world” behind completely enough to immerse myself back in the worlds that I love: the ones I create. And I need to remember how I found this new step, this new part of the balance between worlds and lives and masks and walls. I remembered today what I used to feel like at school: that if I keep on pushing, I can grow into the lesbian woody allen meets altman and solondze with the technical skill and style of Hitchcock and aronofski.

So maybe for the moment I am exactly where I need to be, even if it’s not always comfortable. Even if it took a way-less-than-comfortable situation to push me back here. Maybe sometimes comfortable is numbing. Maybe pushing myself is good. It’s all yet another balance I need to find.



Quote of the day: “I need you to teach me how to be slutty”



and yet:

"Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first
Sometimes the first thing you want never comes
But I know that waiting is all you can do
Sometimes"

is still on my playlist.....


it is all one great delicate balance........