"growing up, it was just me and my mom against the world.
and all my sympathies were with her when i was a little girl
and i've seen both my parents play out the hands that they were dealt
as each year goes by, i know more about how my father must have felt.

i just want you to understand that i know what all the fighting
was for, and i just want you to understand that i'm not angry anymore.
no, i'm not angry anymore.

she taught me how to wage cold war with quiet charm
but i just want to walk through my life unarmed.
to accept, and just get by like my father learned to do,
but without all the acceptance of getting by that got my father through

i just want you to understand that i know what all the fighting was for
and i just want you to understand that i'm not angry anymore.
no, i'm not angry anymore.

night falls like people into love
we generate our own light to compensate
for the lack of light from above.
every time we fight a cold wind blows our way,
we can learn like the trees, how to bend,
how to sway and say

i, i think i understand
what all this fighting is for,
and i just want you to understand
i'm not angry anymore.
no, i'm not angry anymore."

nicotine

owns me. i did good. really. i didn't smoke any cigarettes at all since 12:45 am tuesday night (wed morning? whatever). wed i was too doped up and slept all day and didn't care. thursday was a bit of a struggle but the threat of pulling out the stitches in my mouth and getting an infection helped solidify my willpower, today, was more of a struggle. i'm cranky as fuck, and i finally just gave in. i called the dentist this afternoon and asked them how bad it would really be if i smoked, just a little...the receptionist woman said "as i mother, i think you should just stop, but if you really can't, then put some gauze over the stitches and have a few puffs...you're gonna hang up right now and do that aren't you?" me: "no! i'm really gonna try, i just wanted to know just in case". and, i really did try, for 5 and a half more hours. but, finally, i just couldn't do it anymore. now i gotta go rinse with the salt water to dissenfect and heal and all that.....

oh, and, p.s. i'm sick of mushy food. really. i've made a pact with melis: if i'm ever so old that that's all i can eat, she will kavorkian me off a cliff or something, preferrably, with a cigarette in my mouth....

i want...

....this motherfucking "wisdom" tooth out of my mouth now. i've become immune to motrin apparently, looking forward to better drugs, and no more angry inflamed gums trying to suck my tooth back into my mouth.

ugh

"She screams in silence
A sullen riot penetrating through her mind
Waiting for a sign
To smash the silence with the brick of self-control"


and i feel like i'm 14 all over again.

saturday

"As persons, we consume with perception, expunge with communication, and falter between creating and destroying within the same breathe."

lucky for me, i get to see the girl who wrote these words in less than a week and have conversations on this theme and others (like the relationship between alexander the great and jesus and how that relates to current politics) in person.

if the highlight of this week was the awesome cookies i got from melis, the highlight of next will be seeing al, and learning how to make my own mojitos. i'm equally excited about both. :)