The Scientist

Listening to coldplay, I forgot how much I liked this album, it's been a long long time since i listened to it. It's crazy how the opening chords of some songs can make the skin on the back of your neck tingle. This album makes me miss Florence with an indiscribable ache, the city itself and the experience. It's interesting that it no longer reminds me of old situations though. The album has finally grown with me into the present.

"I'm going back to the start"

Restless

Finally got my plane tkt to SF, which will be a much needed escape. I'm in that need things to move and change phase again (did i ever really leave this phase?). I daydream about leaving the city for more than just a long weekend, moving out to SF for 6months, finding some loophole around the only things that hold me here, my apartment and my job....talking with al about the possibilities, sublet my place, make rhi and i's plan for next year work so i could actually pull this off, and get a change of scenery for a bit, spend some much needed daily life quality time with al. Shift my tangible surroundings for a bit to shift the intangible landscape of my mind and find a way to bring my many other daydreams closer to reality. I'm tired of feigning patience that i don't actually have. I know what my potential is, I just need the space, the (financial)freedom, to reach it. I want what I want and I want it now.

"Look at earth from outer space
Everyone must find the place
Give me time and give me space
Give me real, don't give me fake

Give me strength, reserve control
Give me heart and give me soul
Give me time give us a kiss
Tell me your own Politik

Open up your eyes
Open up your eyes
Open up your eyes
Open up your eyes

Give me one, cause one is best
And in confusion, confidence
Give me peace of mind and trust
And don't forget the rest of us
Give me strength, reserve control
Give me heart and give me soul
Wounds that heal and cracks that fix
tell me your own politik"

awkward anniversaries

Unceremoniously threw out the remaining vestiges of last year, that i saved thinking i'd need them for some kind of reference, or thinking i'd need to dispose of them in some dramatic fashion to fit the drama they signify. But. It turns out, I didn't need any of that. Their need for a fiery farewell faded with their significance in the back of my closet, and now they sit in a plastic bag, where they truly belong, with the rest of the trash.

It's a year, a full year almost to this minute. This minute that was for me the final seconds of a long dragged out month, a long dragged out 6 months, a long dragged out year. A year that I'm still willing myself to forgive myself for, but, that will happen. Only one untold story to tell, and then I won't carry any of it around with me anymore. And I can be all the way moved on instead of just 3/4. This particular awkward anniversary will be the last.

Back to cleaning the hell out of my apartment, which i seem to need to do quarterly to maintain a sense of balance and control (with or with out awkward anniversaries).

horoscope

"Happy Holy Daze, Aries! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday gift for you. What might inspire you to take maximum advantage of the cosmic currents in 2007? Here's my answer: a plane ticket to an exotic playground where your mind will get blown and your emotions aired out and your instincts educated. Another gift I'd love you to have would be a pilgrimage to a spot where you lived once upon a time. There you could take advantage of Nelson Mandela's counsel: "There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."

I'm not sure if SF is nessesarily exotic, but a trip to visit Al def has the promise to blow my mind and air my emotions out. I'm looking forward to it immensly. As far as a pilgrimage to a place I lived once upon a time...well, I want to go back to Italy more than words could describe. Who knows, maybe I'll be able to find my way back there sometime sooner rather than later.

why can't we be friends?

final cut is my arch nemisis. i fucking hate it. no really, i do. if you got excessive myspace comments or ims from me today it's bc i spent FOREVER trying to do the same 30min layoff 5 different times. that's 2 and a half hrs of reading wonkette (and you know, excessive commenting and iming) and waiting for my damn tape to finish, only to have it finish w/o any actual video the first 4 times, because final cut sucks. and is a stupid software based program (ok fine my avid at home is software based but at least it's just a downgraded version of an editing system that isn't stupid) that has to use some stupid plug in video card, that also sucks. avid is all cool and has a pci box with cool video cards that don't need 10thousand different project settings to make them work right the first time. avid is also way way easier to troubleshoot. noah and i still aren't too sure how we fixed it, we just know that we did...for now...

i thought final cut and i had finally found a middle ground. i mean, it's been nearly 3months, we were bound to find at least a few things that worked well between us. and i thought we had. it can do some cool motion effects (even if it's whole keyframing system is kind of a pain in the ass), but you can nest effects (but then you can do that in most versions of avid too, and all of the newer versions for sure), and, um, the timecode reader effect is kinda cool i guess...ok avid is way better, but i programed final cut with my avid keyboard shortcuts and was on my way to a content compromise, until it decided to basically just be a huge, broken, pain in the ass today. for no reason at all.

i hate this fucking program.

dirty christmas cards make me happy

my favorite by far

Happy Birthday Blog!

My blog is now a whole year old (as of yesterday, so then, happy belated birthday blog). It feels like much much longer. Feels like decades have gone by. In a good way. Everything is so very very different than it was this time a year ago. It's been a forward push back in a way. I re-found myself. Back to the person I was but now with the wisdom of hindsight (and a better job and more money, and a renewed faith in myself and in my future). I kept all the promises I made to myself this time last year, and haven't had any more regrets since. The words exorsize and excise come to mind.

"A long december and there's reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last" - And it was, a million times better, in every possible way.

omg

I have, no focus, at all, right now. Sleepy and kinda hung over. Usually, I can make dvd menus in my sleep, even the complicated, layered menu with 10 different tracks kind. But. Not today. I might as well have been sleeping trying to make this thing today. I so just want to be cuddling under my blanket right now.

Two more parties (and a play and dinner w/the fam) to go, i'm gonna be fucking embalmed by the time i get to sunday. which should make all the crazy running all over the city and finishing up of projects i have to do that all all the more interesting...

Is it christmas yet?

il coraggio di sognare

i'm glad i had the words permanently inked onto my body, because sometimes, i forget to have it.

quote of the day

Melis, after recieving her bday present from me: My co-workers will be like 'how was your weekend' and I'll be like 'good, I found

Jesus

'.


Matty: Just pop it in!

highlight of my day

The highlight of my day so far (besides waking up with the girl i woke up with this morning) was finding the best christmas song EVER on myspace: Mariah Carey "All I Want For Christmas Is You". (ok, one of the best christmas songs ever, it's actually hard to pick, as it is with all things musical esp ones that make you nostalgic).

This song makes me so fucking happy, i wish it was appropriate to listen to it all year. I closed the door to my office so I could listen to it while I made dvds. It makes me want to dance around and throw sparkly garland on things. Maybe I should decorate my apt a little bit later....

why my g5 at work rocks

bc i can compress a file in quicktime, format and burn a dvd studio pro project, layoff to a tape from (thestupidestediting softwareintheword) final cut AND write this blog all at the same time. this computer is spoling me. and may be partly responsible for my growing case of a.d.d. yay for a computer that can keep up with my level of multitasking.

quote of the day

Matty: take a go-around on the vagina express huh
Me: lol
Matty: all aboard
Me: hahaha
Me: u know, i think sometimes i end up talking about vagina related things more with you than i do with some of my girl friends
Me: ha
Matty: yah pussy seems to be a hot topic with the two of us...who woulda thunk it
Me: lol

why can i not sleep?

no lo so.

the hour of dissent...

....must start around 5:20 for me, because just like the same time yesterday, I don't feel like being here anymore. Which, has nothing to do specifically with here specifically. It's just a need to be somewhere else after being in one place for the whole day. This is the personality trait that causes me the most frustration; I get bored way too easily, way too soon. I always want more, or new, or different. Once the challenge is out of something, it's not fun for me anymore. In some ways, this trait will help push me to achieve all of the things I hope to achieve. In other ways, I need to learn to be content sometimes. To stand still, just for a minute.

but

this week, i'm cranky and anxious and bored (and kind of insecure - sometimes i hate the hormones that come with being a girl). And I'm ready to go home for a change of scenery and projects rt now. And so I can smoke inside and work in my pj pants with the TV on in the background.

Rhiannon, when are we gonna take over the world so I can do these things all the time instead of just after 7:30 and on weekends?

quote of the day

Me: Why do the creepy deli men always flirt with me?
Matty: cause ur just so tiny and edible


haha


i want to go home now. i have no work ethic at all this week.

"write a real blog"

ok.

but. i haven't felt like writing anything lately. so. a "real" blog would be what, some sort of written account of something happening in my life, filtered through the reflection of my mind. well as a compromise, here's a relfection of my life:


this was the tone of my thoughts friday night:

"Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness"

I have no idea what will come of that encounter, but, i'm glad i had it.


this is what i'm reading:

"Her kiss was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering. He felt his body shaking. For anyone else, it was one thing, but for him it wasn't so easy because this man believed - and had believed for as long as he could remember - that part of him was made of glass. He imagined a wrong move in which he fell and shattered in front of her. He pulled away, even though he didn't want to. He smiled at Alma's feet, hoping she'd understand. They talked for hours.....He ran his fingers down her spine over her thin blouse, and for a moment he forgot the danger he was in, grateful for the world which purposefully puts divisions in place so that we can overcome them, feeling the joy of getting closer, even if deep down we can never forget the sadness of our insurmountable differences. Before he knew it, he was shaking violently. He seized his muscles to try to stop. Alma felt his hesitation. She leaned back and looked at him with something like hurt, and then he almost but didn't say the two sentences he'd been meaning to say for years: 'Part of me is made of glass' and also, 'I love you'."

it's a good book. i'm enjoying it. thanks melis.


this is what (but one of the many things) i'm working on:





the chair thing always looks like fun. i share two beliefs with the jews. maybe they'll let me be one long enough to do the chair thing.


this is how much space is left on my drive:

10.99GB

this is not a good thing.



and now i'm hungry. so that's it.