today i rediscovered and reinvigorated the creative part of my brain which seems to have lain dormant for longer than i like. been a bit of a struggle these past weeks to retain my focus and motivation, generally, i'm a very self motivated person, to borrow some of holden caufield "i'm ambitious as hell". not that he was ambitions, he was depressed, and feeling trapped, and envisioning a bleak future at the end of his childhood, at the loss of innocence, and, although i think he was right in many respects, and i've related to him in a probably somewhat unhealthy way since i read that book in my own adolescence, his ambivalence, is not what i was borrowing (or was it?) his phrasing is what i was after, his "....as hell".
anyway. i'm drunk. thank god for happy hr. esp happy hr that comes with free pizza.
and, thank god for 4 hr conversations about film. and inspiration. and the return of a part of my brain i was beginning to be concerned about. see, i feel the most like myself when i'm thinking of pieces of life in images and how they combine to tell a story. when i'm thinking of shots and cuts, and details - a CU vs a MS, the spreading of a tarp, the meaning of a look, a piece of body language, the impact and implications of a cut from this angle to that, the juxtapositions...that's when i feel the most like myself, in my element, when i feel like i'm doing what i was meant to do, what i want to do and what i'm good at, what i understand, where i have control. i think, as a director, i have a lot of potential i have yet to tap, i have a style that needs exploration. and as an editor, there's a lot i still want to learn, and try, and play with. it's the strangest thing, to find your niche, your passion and then, to fight the battle to actually do it. and deal with all the shit that comes with life at the same time. rent, and responsibility, and just everything. it's overwhelming sometimes. i just want to tell stories. is that too much to ask for? my tattoos say it all really. "invoke provoke evoke". it's what i want to put out into the world and get back from it. and, i was right, when, at 21, freshly back from four months of living abroad, on the verge of my last yr of college, when i decided that i'd need a reminder, to carry with me, into the "real world" beyond my comfort zone of academia, i'd need to remember to have the courage to follow my dreams. and now, at 25, in this stupid world, i need to understand, and maintain balance, between my responsibilities and my passion. i need to learn how to do what i want to do, what makes me feel alive, and how to actually be able to live.
