life is a glorious mess

my pensive, petulent, ambilivant mood from the weekend has shifted itself into a layer of pure anxiousness and insecurity, and an unmet need for validation, these past few days. I hate being in this/these moods. they amplify my inner reactions but never my outer. which i suppose is why i'm so good at working in all the enviornments i've worked in. you need a shield, for this industry. for life i suppose, in general. it's just a matter of knowing when it's time to take it down. and that's where i second guess myself.

Free is the word of the day

Halfway through work, what had so far been a long slow day of work, or rather, not much work, for me, i decide that having the second half of my day to myself is worth the money i'd lose if i left, and so (after weighing the idea with a few friends) i claim i'm not feeling well, and instant message my way to freedom. "amy, if i was thinking of taking a half day who do i talk to w/o danny here?" "talk to kitty" "kitty, i think i'm gonna go home, ann doesn't need anything" "ok, ask kevin if he needs anything" "kevin, do you or will you need anything?" "umm, i don't think so but ask beth" "ok." "beth, do you need anything, if not i'm going to take a half day" "nope i'm all good thanks for checking!" 20min or so of this later, i'm throwing on my coat, hitting the elevator button and calling matt (also home for the day) "i escaped, i'll drop by on my way home, see you in like 20min". the time i spent catching up w/matty and then working on my own work in my own apartment was well worth the 75 dollars. too bad i can't just pay myself a salary.

there are still so many ways i'd like to be free. guess i just have to keep working on it.

best advice i've gotten: "you have to get over the fact that there are some things you can't control, bc they're blocking you from seeing the things you can."

been thinkin' a lot today

Woke up, in a strange mood, to say the least. Woke up, more open, than I've been in a while. More open, than I've even allowed to myself in a while. Like something cracked, and spilled.

Woke up overwhelmed, with an intesely overwhelming desire to turn around, and run, backwards, as fast a fucking possible. It's an old familar feeling, which I haven't felt quite this acutely in a while. I used to struggle with this tug of war so much more, a few years ago. This push and pull of my ambition and my fear. I used to spend more time dwelling on my hidden desire to cling to the safety and comfort of the past in the face of a huge unknowable future. Lately though, I spend so much time pushing forward that I don't leave myself much energy to really hold back. I'd turned my yearning for the past into warm moments of nostalgia in the wake of propelling myself onward. I'd listen to my anthem, the namsake for my blog, and jump off countless ships scanning the horizon for the next bigger one.

But today I woke up overwhelmed by my fear of drowning. Tired of swiming and wanting to hold onto the edge just a little bit longer. And feeling this undefineable sense of loss, for things I'm not quite ready to let go of, even if I already have.


"And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be."

Woke up, today, feeling like Holden. Like I want my naivete back, just for a little while. Because, like half the population of this country proves, it's easier to have faith when you deny the facts of reality.

discuss

this conversation made me a) remember how much i love my friends (not that i forget, but u know what i mean), b) wish i was in grad school, c) or at least outside somewhere with coffee and cigarettes, actually having the conversation in person, with some guest appearances and opinions from my other intelligent and equally as prone to these types of disscusions, friends.



MATTY: yah i'd really like to get an honest opinion about what differentiates a cult from a religion...is it simply the amount of people who believe in it?
ME: ha
ME maybe
ME there is a fine line
ME i was gonna say maybe it has something to do with history
ME like the documents and so forth that support the major religions, are mad old
ME but
ME then there's the mormens
MATTY: hehe i was about to say that
ME and some weird hick in upstate ny just invented that
ME so yeah
ME what makes mormens not a cult?
ME is it just how far you deviate along the "accepted" spectrum?
ME they come pretty damn close
MATTY: i guess so...has never made sense to me tho...i find it so funny how these religious sites will have these articles about cults saying how insane they are...and then the next article will be about how the virgin mary showed up in a coffee stain...open ur eyes assholes
ME lol
ME read the first paragraph of this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cult
ME that makes it seem like it really is just about numbers
ME if u have a lot of ppl, then it must not be taboo, if u don't, ur crazy
MATTY: yah it does seem to indicate it has to do with both membership and length of time
ME so like the mormens were a cult, but they just stuck
ME and grew
ME and now they're a religion, that no one really respects or understands
ME so they're still half cult like
MATTY: this entry seems to be grappling with the exact question we were tho...in terms of what makes a cult different...and is it necessarily negative
ME rt
ME according to the one theoligical definition
ME then judiasm
ME is a cult
ME as is islam
MATTY: this is the definition most americans adhere to...tho it's the 6th one listed... A religion or sect considered to be false, unorthodox, or extremist, with members often living outside of conventional society under the direction of a charismatic leader;
ME yeah but even that is such a fine line, what defines something as unorthodox can be so subjective
ME as is conventional society as that's fluid over time
ME and, every religion has charasmatic leaders
MATTY: true dat



so? comments?

so we don't forget

best halloween idea EVER:


matty: ...but what could be better is if u go as a sterotypical flamboyant gay male and i go as a bull dyke
me: i should get chartruse pants and a black polka dot shirt (note: this is in reference to the garrison keiller conversation we were previously having)
me: and
me: lots o' rainbow shit
me: u need some flannel
matty: and i'll have a mullet and a tool belt...maybe some overalls...we need somethin that identifies me as a lesbian and not matty: just a hick tho
me: pink triangle
matty: well maybe some breasts
me: haha
me: omg
me: that'd be so much fun
matty: lol
me: i bet i could make u some decent fake breasts
me: would i have to like stuff my pants then?
matty: yah u need a bulge
me: haha
me: and ew
me: all at once
matty: thin little moustache maybe
me: hmm
me: if i have to have facial hair
me: i want an ugly soul patch
me: like max on l word
matty: yah that works too
me: those things are gross


now i just have to remember to come back and read this blog around halloween next year, to aviod what happens everyother year.....around this time, march/april/may i get these good halloween ideas....but by the time october comes again, they are long long gone. i wonder if i can program this post to email itself to me on oct. 1st.....

it's important...

....to have friends that inspire you. this is what rhiannon inspired me to do today (ha):

look a real blog

only bc work is slow and i'm moody. fun fun.

so technically my blog thought of the day, is really a comment i left on rhiannon's blog in response to something she wrote. but it suits my mood of the day, week, month, millenium:

sometimes the past is shorter than the future. yet the present moves too quickly for me to keep up but the changes i want still take forever to come.

yup, that sums it up. make of it what you will.

i want to go home now

Quote of the day:
ME: i want to shoot someone
RHI: better use a camera
ME: ha


Oh, cigarettes, how I love you (or, why my day sucks today and i want a raise):

RHI: oh and. STOP SMOKING!!!!!!!
RHI: i'm serious
RHI: it's so bad for you
RHI: so so so bad for you
ME: i'm having a bad day
ME: no lectures today ok?
RHI: sorry
RHI: can we schedule it for tomorrow then?
ME: yes
ME: u can yell at me all u want tomorow
RHI: ok
RHI: why today so bad
RHI: just because you're tired?
ME: and it's just crazy here today
ME: projects that need to get out rt away and they keep making last min changes
ME: and final cut freezes up
RHI: yuck
ME: mid something important w/ep in hee
RHI: oh
RHI: sorry
ME: like, he wants a vo
ME: 40min before it has to post mind u
ME: and it takes time to upload and download and export
ME: and the client wants it on their comp at 6
ME: and at 5:15 he's like
ME: let's record our own vo and throw it on to see how it feels
RHI: dumb
ME: so we start setting it up and he's getting all stressed at the fact that it doesn't just magically work as soon as you plug a mic in, and final cut is being a bitch, and setting up my room to do vo's is mad complicated as it is and he has like no patience
ME: and then it finally works
ME: i cut the thing up and in
ME: it doesn't fit rt bc he spoke too slow
ME: and i don't have time to fuck with it, or my edit to make it fit rt
ME: he comes to watch it
ME: and then agrees with me that we don't need it
ME: and it makes it distracting
RHI: aw
ME: and, the whole day has been a variation of that, but on like 3 different projects. all at the same time.
RHI: yeah. that sucks
ME: therefore
ME: i need cigs today
RHI: aw
RHI: i use chocolate