phone dates

how come some people are better at lifting the weight off your life than others? i'm very lucky to have some very good friends (even if one of those friends is all the way across the country...at least we're getting better at keeping our phone dates amidst all the madness). communication is key, and it's always the easiest to be the most open with your friends. my therapist concurs. i posed the conversation to her as a question, got an agreement in return as an answer and was surprised that even tho it wasn't the answer i was looking for, it still made me feel better. my good friends are the same way, their answers may not always come in the forms i expect them to, but they still work.

i need to get my ass out to sf. and on a similar note (missing ppl) i'm really going to miss the storytime cig breaks, lunches, and window seat desk visits that i've grown so accustomed to (and that, this time last year, played a huge part in pulling me out of the train wreck i'd entangled myself in - seriously if i've never told the two of you that...you have no idea how having you both back in my life everyday helped me find myself enough again to give me what i needed to get the fuck out).

my friends are fucking amazing, they work with me, play with me, visit lush tropical islands with me (do you miss swimming as much as i do melis?), are enthusiastic and supportive, listen to me bitch about the things that frustrate me, give me advice, music recommendations to suit my mood, and get me drunk when needed. even tho none of us have much control over the the things that complicate our lives, at least we have each other.


"i owe my life to the people that i love"

interesting

horoscope: "You have been rather serious recently and although you continue to feel the intensity of these past weeks, your spirit feels lighter today. Recent issues have not played through, yet now you can see what is happening through a more philosophical lens. Don't talk yourself into a moralistic position merely to avoid the messiness of the situation. There is something to learn by delving into your unresolved feelings."

ok...i know this is mean but...

...some of the resumes/cover letters i'm going through rt now are ridiculous. example:

"I am straightforward to let your good office know that I have full aspiration to apply to this job opportunity because I actually visualize myself working in a production company as soon as I graduate. I suppose that if I get a hold on this job I would surely confer my full effort in becoming an exceptional employee, whether to work in a team or as individual, of your company. I am hoping for your positive response on my application. God Bless and More power to your company! Thank You. "

and then this random signature on the bottom "[[-Faith+Beauty = 1 cup of coffee-]]"

ummm, yeah.....more power to you too honey.....good luck with the job search...

quote of the day

(inspired by the closed door to lisa and i's office and her crankiness at my quitting)

Matty: whats goin onin there??
ME: she's watchin a dvd
Matty: oh ok...i was gettin worried...i was considering barging in
ME: hahaha
ME: she's taken me hostage....
Matty: i imagined she had u chained to the radiator...wooden switch in one hand
ME: lol
ME: aw if it wasn't her, parts of that could actually be kinda hot
Matty: that freaky vibrator in the other hand
ME: haha
ME: if it won't freak u out, i have to show it to u
ME: you'll be amused i think
Matty: i can handle it
Matty: well not literally lol
ME: hahaha
ME: nice

damn insomnia

I was tired the whole second half of today, i walked all the way down to, and through, little italy and back, fought off sleep from 9 to 10, (while i fought with Final Cut and it's refusal to reconnect media, bastard) and then, finally, I climb into bed to find myself hopelessly awake. Fun. And on top of that, after laying around and thinking about all the things I think about, I start to get kinda sleepy, and then my stupid fucking subconscious springs a random, unwelcome flashback of sorts on me, and so now i'm up and smoking and writing this blog even tho I have an insanely long day tomorrow (that i need to be very coherent for during my usual body clock crashing hrs of 6-8 which I usually prefer to spend having quiet time alone with dinner and my avid, ok and sometimes my bed for like a half an hr....) and another long day tuesday, and thursday, and probably wed. as well if Jenn is around to teach me how to deal with alpha channels in final cut....ugh. Maybe it's all this shit floating around in my head that's keeping me from sleeping.

I want it to be the beginning of the weekend and not the end. I want to start my new job now, both out of excitement and anxiety. I want the Japanese movie to be over. I'm trying to get it out of the way by the end of Thursday...but if I know Tak, that's not gonna happen. sigh. I want final cut to reconnect my media so i can throw a rough cut of the little kid movie together (but Rhi's gonna help me fix that tomorrow after our little DJ woman meeting, right Rhi?). tomorrow is actually today and I really want to be asleep. I don't want random flashback memories that I don't know how I feel about and make me feel mixed things about myself. I guess there are things I still don't understand the way that I need to to let them go. How can you re-associate something(s) if they're still so connected to other things, that you now sorta regret? How do you take the good from something so so bad? Detach the fucked up aspects of it all from the part of you that was intrigued enough to end up there in the first place...tricky...and while I've managed to do that in some ways, in other ways, everything is just too parallel to the bad parts of it all. There was a level of intensity that was the driving force behind it all, behind both the heat and the destruction, and after being dragged along that ride (a ride that's difficult for me to even explain. how do you project memories like that onto a wall for other people to understand them? Is it even possible anywhere outside of a script? Simple re-telling would never get the point across, you need lighting with shadows, the subtleties given away in art direction and wardrobe, manipulative dialogue that's spun like a web before the character trapped in the middle realizes that they've let themselves be hung, you need composition and suggestive angles, the passion of a performance - you need mis-en-scene)......it's tricky......

I want to understand why certain sides of my personality only come out at certain times. It's interesting where peoples insecurities lie. Not so much what they are, most people have very similar insecurities, but more so where and how they present themselves. The symptoms intrigue me more so than the disease. I like understanding the why's. And being the way that I am, I get frustrated when I don't understand my own.


"When I counted up my demons
Saw there was one for every day
With the good ones on my shoulders
I drove the other ones away"

vento!

After talking to Al for 2hrs, I miss her, and Florence, like crazy. Talked about how we mutually inspire each other with certain aspects of our lives. Covered the present and then got all nostalgic. Her two favorite memories of daily life with me from Florence:

1) Standing over the stove in the kitchen with a half drunk bottle of wine in one hand, a cigarette precariously balancing a column of ash on it's tip in the other, chugging the wine out of the bottle, adding some to the chicken, operating on the 4 for me 1 for you principal. As this was a very frequent occurrence (i liked to drink and was trying to teach myself how to make chicken marsala - which I sorta had down by the end of those 4 months), it's not surprising that this is her top memory.

2) The two of us sitting on the hill drinking lattes, Bryce would inevitably wander over, Al would eventually jump up "shit it's time for class", I'd slouch lower on the hill "hide me I'm not going and I don't want my professor to see me, oh and take notes for me?". Bryce and I would then play the movie game til Al came back.


Our combined favorite memory:

Our crazy old lady downstairs neighbor, who would leave us amazing, angry notes in italian with a few random english words sprinkled in here and there, complaining about mundane things that we had no control over (our laundry for example, dripped into part of her patio/backyard, we had no dryer and the clothes line hung off our balcony, over her yard). She'd wake up at 5 am and immediately putter out into her patio to obsess over her trees and her little dog would follow her, yapping away. She'd shout at it to be quiet and as soon as it stopped and wandered away she'd immediately start calling for it again "niki niki niki" and the cycle would commence. She made more noise than the dog....The first time we met her was hands down the best. We'd been there two weeks, and all of a sudden there was a loud knock on the door. Jeannie answered it and Al and I heard angry Italian combined with confused Jeannie floating down the hall and went to investigate. The woman was carrying an ash tray and gesturing. We figured out (with our mad second language skills....Jeannie's spanish and our two whole weeks of italian) that she was upset that a few cigarette butts had ended up in her yard. We tried to explain that we were using and ash tray and not just throwing them down there. When that didn't work, we just took her to the balcony and showed her. She started shouting "vento vento". We were very confused (although to this day, vento is one of the italian words that i've never forgotten). Then she combined the "vento" shouting with blowing on her hand...she was now accusing the wind of blowing the cigarettes from our ash tray into her yard...again, not something we could really control...she left and we inherited a second ash tray and a mixed fear/love/frustration for our new neighbor that would only continue to grow. Sometimes when I miss Florence in the early morning hours I just imagine her shouting for niki outside my window....

monday

quote of the day:

Jenn on interviews: Just say yes to everything and I'll teach you whatever you don't know, you're a fast learner.


Jenn on my boss: You just have to give her the illusion that she has control.


NTD:

some pics so far

some pics so far part II

NYU's coverage

NY1 Clip (even tho they credit United for Peace and Justice)

Daily News

hmm

Been trying figure out how to (or if i even want to?) cloak my latest insight about myself behind some metaphor-allegory-something (or should i just save it for my therapist?).


Lately, I find I've been censoring myself. Picking and choosing my words much more carefully than usual. Giving certain people certain pieces, and only a select few the whole picture...about more than just one topic. Complete thoughts are spread thin from Ave C, to the Upper West Side, from Astoria to Jersey and in between. I am all over the place.

quote of the day

Away message: "the resistance is just waiting to be organized" NumberTheDead

Annie: the resistance is being organized from my apt, in stuy town....



Horoscope:

"According to the theory known as Ducharme's Precept, "Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment." I bet you'll soon be living proof of that, Aries. An offer or invitation will come your way in a maddeningly inconvenient way. You'll be tempted to invoke excuses about why you cannot possibly take advantage of it right now. But I hope that instead you leap at the chance with a full and even greedy heart. As annoying as the circumstances might seem, they're exactly what you need in order to bring out the best in you. "


god i hope that's true....

damn

read this


that is why i'm involved, that is why you need to get involved, that is why you need to get all you're friends, co-workers, deli people - everyone you know, involved.

somehow...

...even though it's the last place i wanted to be all day...it's exactly where i somehow just ended up, sitting on a bench, smoking a cigarette across the street from my city's still-open wound, and shielded behind my sunglasses and headphones, let my memories and my heart win the battle they've been waging inside all day...

a friend's thoughts on the day

and she's right. it wasn't just the one day. it was the sirens i heard in my head every minute of every day for days on end afterwards - even though there weren't any actually there, it was the horrific dreams i had for months that were often too reminiscent of my actual memories, the crematorium-like smell that hit you like a wall when you got off the train at fulton st, that made me dread going home everyday....the missing posters everywhere you turned, the days those families spent hoping....and then crying when there was nothing left to hope for....

maybe i needed to end up there for a bit today. now i need to go end up in union square, to try to do something to make a difference.

.....

3:30 am. left yesterday and came back today. so busy that i didn't notice it was today until an hour in when i stopped to breathe - in some smoke (how apropos) - on a driveway in jersey. these days i prefer to keep busy, and keep my overflowing mind at bay...especially today. so for a change, the psychologists daughter isn't talking, isn't thinking. i think it's better this way.


5 years is a heartbeat and a lifetime.


"i watched the world float to the dark side of the moon, i feel there's nothing i can do..."

ntd

first things first: read me i refer to important events and i'm amusing


The NTD blog is very entertaining, although as it's written by my friends, I could be biased...but you should really check it out either way.

Speaking of NTD, you should come visit me while I pass out flyers in Union Square this Sat. afternoon and Mon. evening, know what you should do even more than come visit me? SIGN UP. No, really, don't be the stupid lazy generation that everyone thinks we are, do something to stand up against the unnecessary deaths of our peers in a pointless war based on lies, that will only perpetuate more wars as we continue to piss off the rest of the world....k, i'm done now...

go here: www.numberthedead.com

and sign up.

almost friday

horoscope: "Reach into your imagination and pull up the treasures from the hidden depths. Even if what you get isn't pretty, make sure you own it, for it is part of you. There is psychological work for you to do as you integrate something that isn't yet conscious. Even if you don't say anything out loud, accept your inner contradictions."

yup, sounds about right to me....

i really do have amusing friends

Rhi is currently casting for her short, so actors of all kinds are sending her their info and pics....

RHI: OMG i got quite a submission just now
RHI: i'm gonna email it too you
ME: ok
RHI: sent
ME: omg ew
RHI: i can't stop laughing about it
RHI: talk about a surprise
RHI: it looks all normal at the beginning
RHI: and then...
RHI: yuck
ME: lol, well u said u like penises
ME: and so u got one
ME: haha
RHI: HAHAHA
ME: i'm amused
RHI: i like to aware of their arrival tho
ME: although even i've seen nicer ones....
ME: hahahaha
RHI: being shocked with one is never a good thing
RHI: LOL
ME: haha
RHI: your friends are going to think i only talk to you about penises
RHI: which is a funny thought all by itself
ME: hahaha
ME: ok, now i can't stop laughing
RHI: me either
RHI: HAHAHAHA
ME: i think i'm a little delierious today....damn
RHI: HAHAHAHA
ME: omg u have to stop
ME: ur kilingme
ME: and i'm at work
ME: ppl are gonna thnk i'm crazy in here crackin g up all by myself
RHI: at least i'm home alone
RHI: so i don't have to explain myself
RHI: ha
RHI: wouldn't that be great if my mom was here
RHI: mom "rhiannon, what's so funny?"
ME: haha
RHI: me: "oh some guy just sent me a pic of his dick"
RHI: sent you another submission
ME: should i prepare myself for more genitalia?
ME: have you gotten any hot girls?
RHI: umm. welll
ME: THAT you can fwd me....
RHI: this time....
RHI: boobs
ME: see, there we go
ME: that's more like it
RHI: HAHAHA
ME: now i'll go check my email
ME: ;)
RHI: close your office door i recommend
ME: damn
ME: those are some tits
ME: ooo, she's on myspace
ME: this is fun
RHI: yeah i'm getting some hot guys that i'm like..
RHI: hmmm
ME: (god the last time i was casting something, i was dating weird rebecca)
RHI: "you're so not right for this part but..."
ME: "but as long as i have your number...."
RHI: exactly
ME: whoa boobs [the title of Rhi's email] is the perfect way to describe ths girl
ME: they look like they're ready to attack
RHI: heehee
RHI: they're a little much for me actually
ME: me too
ME: i'd suffocate in there
RHI: LOL
RHI: come back courtney!
RHI: don't get lost
ME: hahaha
RHI: !
ME: omg, i shoudl reallyclose my door
RHI: this is a great conversation
ME: yes yes it is

ha

[re: an im i left her last night along the lines of "i may have to tell you something tomorrow that i'm not sure if i'm going to tell you"]

Annie: How dare you leave me an im like that!
Annie: COME DOWN
me: haha, i will after i get some stuff done up here
Annie: ok
Me: I'll give you a hint tho.
Me: "Just for this evening
Lets strip down, trip out at this
One evening starts with a kiss
Run away
And tomorrow
Back to being friends"
Annie: HAHAHA
Me: ha, yeah
Annie: yeah, i coulda guessed where this was going


rhi: hey you
rhi: so what's the damage?
rhi: i'm on my way out
rhi: call me if you can, i want to hear stories



how do my friends seem to know what i'm going to do before i do sometimes?

hung over

i have no idea how i got myself that drunk last night....damn. my body is mad at me today. i have to go do nice things for it in the next 3hrs (and then go back to work with tak at 3....sigh).