hahaha

my favorite news item of the day, possibly of the week, maybe even month....

mel gibson = saddams crazy anti-Semitic long lost twin


you'll need this one for the whole story

quote of the day

I love coming back to amusing messages after lunch

Annie: thanks for all o fyour comments on the NTD blog
Annie: always looks good to see some comments!
Annie: we can always count on you for those!
Annie: :-)
Annie: who knwos, some cute lesbian can look at our comment and then go to your blog and then you guys will fall in love and hten ge tmarried...
Annie: i'm getting ahead of myself
Annie: ok i will see you tomorrow!
Annie: :-)


Annie you can always count on me for comments and I can always count on you for quotes of the day.

=)

sleepless memories

after spending the last 6hrs yawning and wishing i was napping, i now can't sleep. oh well. i'm getting used to it.

laying in bed just now, looking around the room and turning my life over in my head, i remembered when i had trouble sleeping growing up, and i'd lay in my bed back at home, and stare up at the big picture of the city i had hanging over it, and daydream about the day i would live there, live here. i'd imagine myself as an "adult". at 14, 24 seemed incredibly old and grown up. i pictured what my apartment would look like (thanks to Friends, it was much bigger in my head, this was before i learned about salary and rent control), how i'd decorate it, who i'd spend time in it with, the people i'd meet and befriend, the people i'd love and fall in love with, (even during my fierce teenage adherance to my "relationships are fucking stupid and pointless and so not worth it" beliefs, i still let my imagination go when i was alone in the dark). i built the days of my future in my head, things that are common place or chores to me now, but then seemed so exciting. i pictured myself making coffee in the morning, drinking it reading a newspaper or a book, in a chair near a window. i'd picture my awards (i was still into theater at this point, didn't make the full swtich to film til around 16) lined up on a shelf, or in some sort of case thing like my aunt betty's china in my parents dinning room. i've probably walked the streets of the village more in my head than i have in reality, as that was my neighborhood of choice from early on.

sometimes 24 still seems incredibly old and grown up. it's strange to compare the image of my future self in my teenage head with my actual current self. a lot of things are what i expected them to be, a lot of things are not.

sometimes 24 feels very young and complicated and scary. you don't daydream about all the uncertainty that comes with this age, you just dream about the freedom, with out thinking about the price of responsibility it carries.

i still lay in bed and daydream about the future. i have a feeling that i will do the same at 30, and 42, 55....68....i hope i do.

i also hope, that one day i have flexible enough work schedule where my erratic sleeping habits don't leave me cursing out my alarm every morning and feeling like i'm walking around in a haze the whole first half of the day (and wishing i was napping for the second half). i'm not sure how much of this has to do with the job iteself or the fact that i really just need 2 more hrs of sleep before i attempt to function.


new fact i learned today: they make tylonol pm in liquid form....now i just have to find it....

i love gay boys

spontaneous pre-gaming with annie was the inspiration i needed. i had a moment, i called her, and i left my apartment and all the work i have to do behind to pick up some stickers, and have a beer. back home for dinner and then back out to meet her and greg and her friend catitlin on the les for more drinks. then over to broadway and bleecker to meet matty and friends for a night of dancing with the gay boys. matt, i'm stealing your friends. =)

quotes of the night:

andrew: i can titty fuck you right now standing up

(yes, i'm short, but you're not that tall honey)


andrew: you want this?
me: sorry baby but you don't have what i want
andrew: you don't want all 12inches of me?
me: haha, honey i can buy a rubber one, strap it on a girl and have more fun
matt: 12inches can't compare with a fist
me: hahahaha
andrew: i know
matty: you would


plastered broadway (and any part of 3rd i haven't hit yet) with NTD stickers on the way home, annie you'd be proud. (oh and sorry matty, didn't end up taking a cab like i said...needed the walk...but as u know via my text and ur call, i'm home safe) drunk stickering at 3am is way more fun than sober stickering (which was also surprisingly fun, makes walking to and from places way more interesting...every flat surface is an opportunity waiting to be had)....maybe there'll be a repeat tomorrow night....i might be swinging by to replinish my supply tomorrow annie....


and i'm making myself end this here, b/c i'm all kinds of drunk, and any other thoughts outside of the ones already captured are better left unsaid....

take me the fuck away

2 more weeks....

this week

...it's apparently my turn to feel needy. i don't like feeling needy, and i generally have too much pride(?) to ask for what exactly it is i need, even tho it's usually not much. it's funny how simple things (ok, nothing is ever really simple, but surfacely simple, ears, shoulders, arms) can make you feel better. they don't erase whatever the issue is, but they give u the comfort to muddle through it.

there's really no point in asking for part of what i need right now anyway. so i'm lucky to have good friends who i never really have to ask for anything b/c they know me well enough to know what i need and love me enough to give it to me.

overwhelmed

There is way too much going on right now.

My gram is kinda sick, but more ok than she was. Which is good. But now my grandpa's brother is in the hospital b/c he had a heart attack and his kidney's are failing and there's a 10% chance that he'll make it, and so my dad left his after work client early, to drive my grandpa to jersey, to be at the hospital during the 6hr surgery. uncle tony was always my favorite of my grandpas brothers, even tho it's been a while since i've seen him. when i was little he'd make jokes in this really awful british accent to make me laugh. he was married like 5 times and even in his 80's he still managed to be something of a player...this is also the anniversary of when my grams best friend died last year...and with all this i can't help but wonder if my grandparents are sitting there, watching their peers, these people they've known and loved their whole lives, drop around them, and wonder when it'll be their turn. it is the most depressing thought in the world. my gram said to me tonight 'there's nothing i can do, i just have to move foward' and she's right, but you can hear the sadness lingering in her voice, with a hint of uncertainty. hell, i sit and watch their friends die, and wonder when they'll go. and silently hope, as hard as it is to see them sad at their own losses, that all their friends go first, so i can have them longer, and not have to feel the weight of my own loss. i don't let go well. never did. loss is a concept i do not really know how to deal with. this concept makes all of the other things that are overwhelming my brain right now (all my own issues with life and love and ambition) pale in comparisson as far as difficult situations go....but at the same time, it makes me want to sort it all out even more...my mom went off on one of her 'you have to appriciate every moment' tangents on the phone, and she too is right, even tho the fact that she focuses on shit like this a lot in general and i've heard this speach many many times before, takes away some of it's impact. i just hate hearing the people i look to for strength sound weak, even tho their trying not to...that actually makes it worse....and i hate how motherfucking helpless i feel...


this is also my parents anniversary weekend, which, is appropriate, b/c if anything is a symbol of the continual cycle of endings and beginnings, it is their marraige.


i really really need a break. i hate feelings. i don't want to feel anything for a little while. b/c i have way too many feelings happening right now.

and i have to find a way to shut it all off and find the motovation i need to get the shit done that i need to get done right now.

hmm

"ARIES (March 21–April 19): "The honest man must be a perpetual renegade," said French essayist Charles Péguy. The honest woman must be one too, I would add. While that's always a good rule to keep in mind, it will be especially apropos for you in the coming weeks, Aries. If you hope to remain true to yourself and in alignment with your highest integrity, you will have to maintain a rebellious vigilance. By the way, that does not mean you should constantly be agitated, fuming, and off-kilter. On the contrary, the healthiest insurrectionary fervor you can muster will be full of exuberance and joie de vivre."


well, i am in a better mood than yesterday....that's a start

when mild depression pays off

mom: so i guess after we get back from Hawaii we'll have to start looking for a puppy
me: wait, you're not gonna fight with me about having it in this apartment anymore?
mom: nah, i think you need to have one. but it has to be one i like too in case she [my bitchy landlord] makes you get rid of it. does that cheer you up?
me: yeah!

puppy!

p.s. i just turned project runway on....and the designs this week, have to be inspired by puppies....each person gets one, and has to make a dress inspired by their puppy and a matching outfit for the dog...haha.

easier to post conversations

me: i'm still on a rollercoaster, in general now
rhi: i'm sorry
rhi: it'll be ok
rhi: that's what you've been telling me at least
rhi: :-)
me: haha, thanks
me: : it will be
me: these inbetween phases just suck
me: so many ppl are half depressed rt now....u, me, ______, ______, _______
me: ha
rhi: i've spent my whole day trying to look on the bright side of everything
me: that's a good way to do it
me: i have not
me: not today at least
rhi: that's no good
me: maybe i'll go for that tomorrow
me: i know, i'm always the one telling u this shit
rhi: although a good wallow is sometimes satistying
me: i gotta snap out of it
me: haha, yes, yes it is



"tell me a story, i don't care if it's true
i just want to watch your lips move"

i like that song.

check it out

NTD Blog (click me)

ah tuesday

Quote of the day:

Rhi: I don't ask for much, so when I do...GIVE IT TO ME!


me anche


I am so so tired, from not sleeping, when I need to be sleeping. And I somehow have to find some hidden reserve of energy to get all the shit done that I need to get done before I go on vacation. Finish a wedding, edit a doc in a language I don't speak (which is like cutting half blind), maybe finish the montage, for our other new site...find a way to get where i want to be because i'm so so very tired of where i am.

Right now I just want to go home and hide under my blanket.

quote of the day

Friend: So I text him "This sucks right now" and he wrote back "I agree"
Me: OMG, I've had this conversation!

Me and Friend: Hahahaha

ah weddings

for the first time in my wedding cutting history, i wish i was actually invited to the wedding i'm currently working on. the couple, although not as mushy cute as the others, seems mad cool. i want to be their friends. their friends seem mad cool. i want to be friends with their friends. the ceremony was short as ceremonies go, and they're playing awesome fun music at their reception (michael jackso madonna fun). their song, you know the one that they do that "first dance" to....is All I Need, it starts out with the old one, the original and then the DJ mixes in the Nas&Mary J version and they tear it up and it's fucking awesome. they had their puppies as the ring bearers, his mom did some performance art poem mid ceremony, his father looks like a Mark Twain impersonator and dances like...well...there are no words...it's just great....oh and i think her dad is gay, and they had their friend make an announcment mid cereomony about how they think marriage "shouldn't just be between a guy and a girl, it should be between two dudes and two ladies too". i love these people. i hope my friends weddings are this much fun (seriously, if you're my friend and u tell me you're getting married, i'm saving this wedding, to play for you, as an example of what yours should be if you want your guests, read:me, to have fun)

I love Rob Brezsny

"ARIES (March 21–April 19): I'm pleased to announce the imminent arrival of a new chapter in your own personal soap opera. It could include any of the following plot twists: midnight confessions, madcap sex farces, thumb-sucking saints, an invitation to play leapfrog with a unicorn, work turning into play and vice versa, a showdown between the reptile brain and the mammalian brain, a chance to bob for lollipops in a fountain, a thunderstorm coming just in time to douse a raging fire, samurai wearing pajamas, a super- natural ham sandwich, and opportunities to tinker with your "Me Against the World" attitude."


awesome, i want it all, bring it

quote of the day

goes to, of all people, my gram:

"two drinks and i'm a party! i'm leaving you a legacy here..."


i fucking love that woman.

everything old is new again

Been an interesting week. All that past/present/future meshing, again. Such weird cycles. Spending time with people I used to spend time with but hadn’t for a while. It’s good. Working on Taks doc reminding me of what I used to feel like. Bringing back yet another lost part of myself. Listening to old CDs that I haven’t dug up in forever. Jimmy Eat World bringing back 2514 flashbacks. Hanging lights on the ceiling with Laurs our first night…that view…. Sharing headphones on the big purple bus, speed walking with Matty on train days to actually get from w4th to 721 on time. My random and short lived friendship with Brandon (god what happened to that kid?), playing Mario Kart with him at 4am when we were supposed to be writing some paper for some class we were both in, him all hopped up on Aderol, me on something like my 10th cup of coffee, second pack of cigarettes. That’s the year I started “really” smoking….even tho Sue had implemented a no-smoking rule in the apartment, it was one of Laurs and I’s favorite rules to break during the cold war that ensued that semester, compete with locking her out when we knew she’d be home from class soon so we had time to Lysol the place down. The permanent scratch on my watch from holding my cig out the windows that only opened a crack in case any of us were inclined to try to make a jump for it….while it was the library balcony they really needed to worry about. The world burning down, the hotel, the TV studio, those busted old cameras and flatbed editing, first time I sat in front of an Avid, back downtown with the barricades where a friends confession led me to confessions of my own…to Laurs and Melis only at first. Random meeting in front of Barnes and Noble at a random hr…a long walk, a first real step to honest self discovery, and more importantly, self acceptance….

With music as the soundtrack to it all. It was playing in the background any second I wasn’t in class. From the stereo, to my headphones, back home to one of our 4 computers. Usually mine or Laurens. Everyone’d go to sleep and laurs and I would stay up with our lyrics telling the stories of our lives as we told them to each other through clouds of smoke over 40’s and that shitty wine from the Jubes up John st. (glad I’m done with that phase). I love how music grows with you. It holds the shadows of memories of what it was while it solidifies it’s significance in the present. Things are oh so similar and yet so very different. It will never cease to amaze me, the shifting patterns that time builds.

Floating now in that strange parallel of time, of the simultaneous relevance of the past and the present and their co-existence through the lyrics I use to remember, re-tell, re-define.



“If you're listening, are you listening?

Tell me what do I need
When words lose their meaning

I was spinning free,
With a little sweet and simple numbing me.

Yeah, stumble till you crawl,
Sinking into sweet uncertainty

I'm still running away
Won't play your hide and seek game

What a dizzy dance
This sweetness will not be concerned with me.
No the sweetness will not be concerned with me.”


“It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).”



“I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go.
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.”

There’s more of course…there’s always more…lyrics and their links.

quote of the day part 2

I intended to write a "real" blog but I don't really feel like it, so I'm summing it up with quotes of the day instead...til I sort the real one out enough in my head, tonight, when I'm not sleeping, so I can write it tomorrow.

Me: I always have all this stuff during the week, between therapy days, that I want to remember to talk with her about, but then I forget half of it by the time I get here. I need to write it down or something.
Matty: Well, you haven't seen her since (insert recent occurance in my life here).
Me: Oh that's right!
Matty: And you can ask her about (insert something I said to Matty the other day here).
Me: Right...
Matty: Ha, it's funny that I'm telling you-
Me: haha, I know, it's actually really helpful though, like you can keep track of the random mess in my head better than i can, more objectively...
Matty: right, well, b/c you'll tell me the things you need to get off your chest.
Me: right, and I think you can remember the important highlights better when they're not lost in the whole big mess in your own head.
Matty: Right.
Me: Ha, you're like my therapy pre-interview.

(so glad talk show lingo is working it's way into my out of work life....ha)



After I reel off a list of what I did today (and in light of what I've been up to recently):
RHI: jeez you're on a mission to change your life or something
ME: ha, that's exactly what it is

quote of the day

Matty: (in a perfect Heidi Klum voice) "I am on pins and needles. To watch the show."

ah Project Runway....aren't we all just trying to carry on and make it work?

today, i fucking rock

Rhi: yay you're back!
Me: ok, i need to sign off again in a minute...but i'm dlding a song i need, but i just needed to share with someone that i'm fucking brilliant
Me: or well, not actually
Rhi: ha
Me: b/c if i was i wouldn't have deleted shit in the first place
Me: but...i am fucking talented
Me: b/c i basically just brought it all back exactly as it was
Me: w/o time code....
Me: by fucking eye
Rhi: wow
Me: for the trialer and the behind the scenes thing
Rhi: that's what you've been doing this whole time?
Me: music and all
Me: ha yeah
Me: huge waste of time...but at least i have renewed my faith in my skills
Me: i def have them....
Rhi: :-)


While it was incredibly stupid of me to delete my avid files and my dv streams (I think I thought I had the other when I deleted the one), I totally deserve bragging rights for what I just pulled off…..I had my project files with the media offline and my source tapes, but two of them wouldn’t work, the time code was all off and corrupt so I couldn’t just batch the clips back in….I watched the only dvd copy I have of the two projects and scanned through the tapes to find the right shots, and layed them back into the sequence finding the right frames by eye….annnd since I deleted the music tracks too, and since I did some editing of those tracks, I had to re-do all that again by eye/ear too….to make the cuts match up with the sound edits…and the sound edits match up with the cuts…Rhiannon is probably the only one who can fully appreciate this….but I’m fucking proud of myself so I’m writing this anyway.

Why do I work in an office all day again?

that was fucking awesome

"i cannot name this
i cannot explain this
and i really don't want to
just call me shameless
i can't even slow this down
let alone stop this
and i keep looking around
but i cannot top this...

...just gimme your skeleton
give me the skin it's in
yeah baby, this is you
according to me"


"what bugs me
is that you believe what you're saying
what bothers me
is that you don't know how you feel
what scares me
is that while you're telling me stories
you actually
believe that they are real

and i've got
no illusions about you
and guess what?
i never did
and when i said
when i said i'll take it
i meant,
i meant as is

just give up
and admit you're an asshole
you would be
in some good company
i think you'd find
that your friends would forgive you
or maybe i
am just speaking for me

cuz when i look around
i think this, this is good enough
and i try to laugh
at whatever life brings
cuz when i look down
i just miss all the good stuff
when i look up
i just trip over things"


"i search your profile for a translation
i study the conversation like a map
'cause i know...."
(this one may be my new old favorite...haven't listed to in a while until tonight)


" I walk in stride with people
much taller than me...
...i got more and more to do
i got less and less to prove"



thanks melis, you too are fucking awesome - best bday present ever, oh and that little "how to hula dance" kit was awesome too, haha. (and rhi i'm glad u got a tkt and stood online to pee with me, hehe)

work moment of the week

15min before i have to leave, NM's wonderful (thick sarcasm) line producer calls to say she needs my petty cash recipts/spreadsheet. So I throw it together and bring it down with the cash I have left and with the recipts/sheet from our night editor, she's on the phone, i put it on her desk and walk away as fast as possible knowing that she'll keep me down there for no reason at all other than the fact that she seems to like wasting a lot of time for no actual reason, and likes when people watch her design spread sheets...apparently she needs lots of moral support....as i'm almost at the door she calls "courtney, wait, don't just run away" i call back "i have to leave in 5 minutes laurie and i have stuff to finish upstairs, can't you just email me your questions after you look at the sheet?" and walk out the door and go back upstairs....hehe....annie was lucky enough to overhear this little exchange


annie: uh oh drama
annie: laurie said befor eyou left that she's not gonna be here the next two days...
me: haha
me:: oh well
me: i can't stand down there and talk to her for 20min
me:: i handed in my sheet, it's all written clearly
annie: i know
me: i have to leave in 5min
annie: she traps you in
me: she can suck it
me:lol
annie: HAHAHAHAHA
me: hehe



my boss hates L. so I know i can get away with this, she laughed when i told her....i think i may be getting a little burnt out...or maybe dulled out is a better way to put it...fucking spread sheets....

time for my summer tv guilty pleasure: project runway

and of course, trying to make this shit work better in photoshop

weird

working on menus in photoshop, with the TV on in the background, and a Friends re-run comes on, and for the first time in years, for some reason, i actually listen to the lyrics of that pretty awful theme song, and realize that they reflect my life....so weird...me and melis used to be mildly obessesed with that show in jr high and now all of a sudden, i can relate to the fucking theme song lyrics ("your jobs a joke, you're broke and your love life's d.o.a....but i'll be there for you") i guess i can at least say i have pretty amazing friends....b/c they are always there for me, no matter what, as this last year has proved...they work and play with me, they always know the right thing to say, and most importantly, they always listen....which usually is all i really need.

so yeah, even tho it's incredibly lame that i had some bad theme song related revelation, thanks guys, for always being there for me.

back to photoshop...which is so not my friend right now....

so stupid

if i didn't need my computer to work, i'd make one of my friends put it somewhere out of reach and out of sight...like when al and jeanie used to hide my cell on top of the fridge when they thought it was in my best interest...maybe that's one good reason to have a roommate...


i'm way too sensitive lately and i'm frustrating myself...my tolerance is dropping by the minute, and to steal a phrase from my new favorite book, i just want to zip myself up in the sleeping bag of myself....but that was my old way of dealing with things, one i abandoned for the better...it only took me bad places and i've seen what rolling with that for too long can do to a person, so i'm not leaving it as an option, i already know it won't get me anywhere, and getting just about anywhere else is my only goal right now....

one more month til hawaii, fucking thank god, i need a vacation, among other things, a lot of other things....

would you prefer the easy way?

"everything i do is judged
and they mostly get it wrong
but oh well
'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged
and the woman who lives there can tell
the truth from the stuff that they say
and she looks me in the eye
and says would you prefer the easy way
no, well o.k. then
don't cry

i wonder if everything i do
i do instead
of something i want to do more
the question fills my head
i know there's no grand plan here
this is just the way it goes
when everything else seems unclear
i guess at least i know

i do it for the joy it brings
because i'm a joyful girl
because the world owes me nothing
and we owe each other the world
i do it because it's the least i can do
i do it because i learned it from you
and i do it just because i want to
because i want to"

train of thought

I've lost all control of my thought process, and i'm not fighting it. Giving in to getting taken for a ride and hoping it's at least a scenic route.

I'm tired and don't feel like doing the work i have to do or the work i should do, even though i know at some point i'll sum up the inspiration for both at some point tonight, b/c i don't really have a choice if i don't want to stay here forever.


None of the things I actually feel like doing are actually an option. But that's just life I guess.

More thoughts, and theories, that are probably partly dead on, but partly lacking for lack of knowledge. Insight and intuition will only carry you so far...it too needs a balance, information to fuel it.

And I partly want to talk about it, but I wonder if there's a point. And if there is, what exactly is it? Maybe to just to validate my thoughts of pointlessness....and give it some sort of meaning.

My legs are killing me. But rollerblading along the river was awesome.


currently listening to "Come On" Tegan and Sara

and the world spins madly on

“Everything is everything
what will be is what will be
after winter must come spring
change it comes eventually”


As much as I love the city, and as much as I ultimately belong there, sometimes it’s really amazing to leave it for a bit. Sometimes I need to just get in my car and drive. Alone, flying down dark roads that I know like the back of my hand (ok, ok, not so much once I’m in WHB, but up until then….), Tegan and Sarah blasting….when I’m driving, I’m in control and I’m free.

The only thing better, is the beach at night…..Melis, I cheated on you, for the first time in years and went with out you…I know, I know….I’m sorry….I need it tho….and we never seem to be out here at the same time anymore. (remember that time in the middle of novemberish when we walked all the way to, and then across, the jetty? And didn’t anticipate that one wave, and walked all the way back to my car soaked and freezing and laughing our asses off?)

I fucking love the beach at night. “I walked along the edge of where the ocean meets the sand”, the water not as cold as I thought it’d be, soaking me up to my knees, and peacefully numbing me with each crash. Watching the moon float in and out of the clouds, I could have walked that shoreline forever, and I wanted to. I wanted to just keep walking, out of right now into the future. I haven’t felt simultaneously that alive and that at peace in a long time. Nothing compares to the ocean at night. Sitting in the sand, watching the sky melt into the ocean and the ocean into the sky, the waves tumbling to the shore, it’s beaututiful and chaotic and comforting and just awe inspiring, and it’s as close to any real, deep, pure faith I get.

Time moves slower out there somehow. Layed around the backyard all day yesterday, wandered back and forth across the grass, cigarette in one hand, phone in the other.


“It’s good to hear your voice”
“It’s good to hear yours too. You need to come back to new york”
“You need to come to California”


"So I can tell you what your birthday present is now"
"What?"
"You don't have plans on thursday do you?"
"Why what's thursday.....wait, you got tickets!?, OMG I fucking love you, that's the best birthday present ever!"

I have the best best friend ever.


Back in the city today, sleepy but wanting to be outside. Fuck putting all my stuff away til tonight. I think my rollerblades and i are gonna head to the w.s.h. for some more sun. I don't really want to think.

right place right time?

Timing is a strange and (sometimes) beautiful thing. The timing, for example, of my very socially active past weekend, was flawless. Timing worked well for me there, just like it did last night.

When I heard that I'd have to spend some of my after hrs digitizing time last night showing one of our new freelance editors the ropes I was initially not pleased. I didn't want to be there all night, I wanted to bring in my two line cuts, bill them for 6hrs, and go (and the irony of me training someone to do the job I want was definitely not lost on me). But the hr or so I spent with the new chick ended up being way more beneficial for me than for her. She was impressed with my knowledge (and that it spanned well beyond my current salaried activities) and my age. And long story short, I may have just networked myself into another night time freelance gig, and one that could possibly include actual editing, at this chick's 9-5 company. Awesome. Now I get to bill my company for an hr that I spent selling myself into a new position.

I can't tell if the timing in other areas of my life is off or just where it needs to be. I don't think I have those answers yet, nor will I for a while longer...but that's ok I guess.

Found some much needed release today. But still looking for more. I am constantly under construction and my head is filled with the sound. Hammers on nails, sheltering one zone, while plywood is being ripped from it's hinges in the next. They say that there's no actual storage place for all the scaffolding in Manhattan b/c there's always something in the city under construction. The scaffolding just gets moved from one place to the next. My head is Manhattan. And so...

It's the right time for me to escape the city for a bit again. Heading to the sanctuary (most of the time at least) that is my parents house. Spend the weekend watching movies and shopping with my mom, and, most importantly, laying next to and in my pool. Sifting and sorting out in the sun. And if I'm really lucky, there'll be some of my gram's potato salad left from the 4th...

sometimes i wonder...

....about a lot of things.


new topic: this time a yr ago, i got a fortune that read "a year from now you will be a force to be reckoned with"

i have some thoughts on the current validity of that....i'd say it's actually pretty true, just not in the ways i expected it to be....which is interesting.

my more recent horoscopes:

"Quickie:
Your actions will have major consequences right now, so try not to be too dominant.

Overview:
Small emotions, if repressed, can have intense repercussions in unexpected ways. Get some objectivity about your feelings and you can ameliorate the outcome. You can even make the results something positive."


"Three years before Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code came out, my book The Televisionary Oracle was published. In it, I riffed extensively on Mary Magdalene's role as Jesus' consort, collaborator, and co-creator of Christianity—similar in ways to Brown's themes. Sales of my tome are approaching 10,000, while Brown's have topped 61 million. Why the contrast? His work is a linear detective story, while mine is an experimental blend of magical realism, prophetic philosophy, and oracular poetry. His characterizations and plot hew to established conventions of mainstream fiction, while mine spring from my muse and real life. The difference between our approaches is comparable to the choice you have ahead of you, Aries. You can opt for greater popularity and loyalty to convention, or you can choose to be more of a secret as you rigorously follow the promptings of your inner voice."



"A Malaysian woman survived a showdown with a tiger. Kaliyama was working as a rubber tapper when the big cat slinked up behind her and wrapped its jaws around her leg. "Amma! Amma!" she cried out, invoking the name of the mother goddess. The tiger let go, backed off a step, and glared at her. Summoning her courage, she gazed back at it. After a few minutes of this staring match, the tiger departed, leaving Kaliyama in peace. I advise you to use a similar approach in your engagement with a beastly influence, Aries. Ask for the goddess's help, then let your essence beam out through the windows to your soul."


"Your strength and idealism enable you to surmount some pretty big obstacles. Don't let a few setbacks deter you from your course in life, my friend. The harder you work, the sweeter the victory.

Those who love you the most will understand your moodiness today, my friend. However, those who don't may see you as brutally honest in your speech or rash in your decision making. Try to be goal oriented.

A realistic goal can be met today if you make a concerted effort. Luck should be with you, so the more difficult tasks will be easier to manage than might be expected. Success in within reach."



and they are all strangely very valid....

just what i needed v. 4.5 - aka drunk blogging is dangerous

matt, i love you. thank you. my entire body hurts, i'm covered in a gross pool of sweat and i'm gonna be so damn hung over tomorrow......but thank you, seriously.


kicked the night off with a little pre-game drinks and dancing around my apt w/my favorite boy. pre-game playlist:

"poision" - bobby brown (yes, bobby brown, i forgot how great this song is til we downloaded it "it's drivin me outta my mind....can't get it outta my head...")
"don't let go" - en vouge ("don't let go, have the right to lose control, don't let go....")
the new nelly furtado ("manhunter" which i highly recomend, and i think i met the girl she wrote it about tonight....damn....)
some new christina (which i think i'm gonna go buy)
and a few old standbys

then off to the motherfucker party, which was awsome, as it always is. (passing the hr long line and getting in for free doesn't hurt either) that party hasn't let me down yet. i love the crowd, i love the music (although as me and matty decided, it was 60/40 in my favor and only about 30/70 in his, as far as the combined stats of sexuality and hotness go....and i somehow found myself dancing to random techno type shit that i don't normaly go for....somehow it was appealing and fun)

found myself dancing with compete abandon, i haven't done that for a long time....i wonder why that is exactly....there are few people, all friends, that i feel totally uninhibited, uninsecure with, and i wonder why this is something that i have difficulty carrying over to my relationshpi zone...it's often silly stupid things i get stupid about....i'm working on it....either way, it was a lot of fun and i so so needed it....that release.....

got a little much needed attention/confidence boost in the form of an agaisnt the wall lap dance of sorts from matty's ex's hot "straight" friend....(straight? really? you could've fooled me....)


quotes of the night:

"i'm not really looking to meet anyone tonight, i just wanted to take you out" =)
"ok, all those lesbians just checked you out"
"the jews are blocking my view" (really, there were a few full fleged hasidic jewish guys there, skull caps, hair curls and everything....so so wonderfuly random....)
"ooo there's one crouching over there, behind you"
"it's like a safari!"
"we need a net or something"

i feel like there were more, but that's all i can remember rt now....ah alcohol....

had a fucking awesome, fun night.

somewhere towards the end tho, dancing around to prince and le tigre, i started to think about how much fun it would have been with..........


ah life


still tho, another piece of just what i needed.

and now it's time to drag my incredibly drunk ass to bed

haha

Melis: lol
Melis: did you win any sort of award for that yet?
Me: lol, that litterally just made me laugh out loud
Me: i am quite good when i want to be.....
Me: but i'm actually trying not to be lately
Melis: haha
Me:it's a bad habit
Melis: eh
Me:i'm trying to act more "adult" than that....it'd be so jr. yr of college of me
Melis: haha, aw
Me: well, freshman, sophmore, jr, and parts of senoir....
Me: but then i grew up....really....
melis: :-)

resurection

Today I did something I haven’t done in two years: wrote a shot list. This is a HUGE deal. I’ve toyed with scripts, images, characters…in my head these past two years, took notes, made outlines, got stuck. Set myself a mountain of a challenge with my feature, my baby, that I’m still trying to sort out. Of course, I make things harder than they need to be for myself, I wouldn’t be myself if I didn’t…I decide to make a feature that relies on both complicated plot twists and very strong, yet somewhat elusive, characters. It’s a kick ass idea, it’ll be amazing once I sort it all out….but it’s tough, and I got stuck. Then I got an idea for a short. A good one. I’ve done plenty of shorts. I can do this. And it could be good. So I headed to the park this morning, armed with iced coffee, a fresh pack of Camels and my notebook….I intended to just come up with an outline of sorts, sort out my train of thought. For the first time in a long time, I remembered how to do this and that I’m good at doing this and how fucking good it feels. How right, how me, it feels. For the first time in a long time, I had my flow back. “writing is re-writing” first drafts are just that, and so you have to just let go of whatever semblance of control you’ll need for drafts 3 and 4 and just pour it all out. I forgot how to do that (in all areas of my life) But today, half the day later, I have a complete first draft shot list, and a ton of notes to build on. Fucking awesome. Bounced the idea off some people and it already has good audience feedback. Awesome. And…the best part, is that it’s actually shootable (unlike my feature at the moment, which I’m gonna need a whole lot more money before it’s anywhere near shootable). I could have this film made by the end of the summerish….and I intend to….

Walking to and from the park today (with all that coffee, it’s good that my bathroom is a mere 20ft down the street from my favorite bench) I realized that I do actually have some of the pieces of the life I used to sit in my bedroom on Long Island and dream for myself. I remembered parts of the conversation I had with my dad earlier this week. About the power of our thoughts, and thinking negative will only take you negative places. Thinking positive will yield positive results. As usual, he was right.

My therapist tells me it’s a good thing that I think, speak, live in metaphors as much as I do. And she too, is right. I’m a filmmaker at my core. I’m meant to reflect and refract life through the prism of my imagination, to achieve connection, catharsis, inspire further thought and emotion in both myself and others.

I sat in the park today and for the first time in a long time left the “real world” behind completely enough to immerse myself back in the worlds that I love: the ones I create. And I need to remember how I found this new step, this new part of the balance between worlds and lives and masks and walls. I remembered today what I used to feel like at school: that if I keep on pushing, I can grow into the lesbian woody allen meets altman and solondze with the technical skill and style of Hitchcock and aronofski.

So maybe for the moment I am exactly where I need to be, even if it’s not always comfortable. Even if it took a way-less-than-comfortable situation to push me back here. Maybe sometimes comfortable is numbing. Maybe pushing myself is good. It’s all yet another balance I need to find.



Quote of the day: “I need you to teach me how to be slutty”



and yet:

"Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first
Sometimes the first thing you want never comes
But I know that waiting is all you can do
Sometimes"

is still on my playlist.....


it is all one great delicate balance........

dating? really?

ME: i think making out with rosario dawson would make me feel better
RHI: do you have a plan to make that happen?
ME: umm....not yet.....
ME:any ideas?
RHI: stalk her
RHI: via myspace
RHI: :-)
ME: lol, is she on myspace?
RHI: probably
RHI: everyone's on myspace
ME:hmm
ME:i'm gonna do a little search....
ME:although, it's all myspaces fault that i'm in this predicament to begin with
RHI: ha
RHI: blaming myspace for your lovelife troubles
RHI: that's unique
RHI: does she even live in NY?
RHI she might be hard to find
ME: she does live here i think, b/c annie was talking about her being one of the people she wanted to recruit for the demonstration thing....she's trying to get lists of all these celebs pr people and shit, the ones she thinks would get involved, and she was one of them
ME: i told her i'd be glad to chaperone rosario
RHI that's cool. so you might meet her
ME: she's not gay or anything tho
RHI: that's too bad
ME: at least not as far a s i know
ME: i'm cute tho....maybe i could convert her for a night....
RHI :-)
RHI it's worth a try
ME: "hi, you're really hot and i just got dumped....:-("
RHI: :'( "you could help me forget all about her"
ME: oooo, that's good


I have a plethora of new thoughts, theories, insights....but I'm keeping them to myself for the moment. Maybe it's respecting boundaries, maybe it's just being self protective....maybe i'll come up with some ridiculous (word of the week) metaphor to spit them all out in....but not right here right now.



In high school I'd take notes on one side of the page while I wrote out the lyrics from Rent on the other.

A little Rent wisdom:

"women, what is it about them? can't live with them or with out them"


"Don't Breathe Too Deep
Don't Think All Day
Dive Into Work
Drive The Other Way
That Drip Of Hurt
That Pint Of Shame
Goes Away
Just Play The Game.....

What Was It About That Night
Connection-In An Isolating Age
For Once The Shadows Gave Way To Light
For Once I didn't Disengage"




"We Must Let Go
To Know What's Right
No Other Course
No Other Way
No Day But Today


I Can't Control
My Destiny
I Trust My Soul

My Only Goal
Is Just - To Be

There's Only Now

There's Only Here
Give In To Love

Or Live In Fear
No Other Path
No Other Way

No Day But Today"



"measure your life in love"

the right way to end a long week and start a new one

Made my escape Saturday for what promised to be a full 24hrs of fun distraction from the rest of the bullshit in my life. Got to catch up with Aldous on the train ride up to Erin’s. I haven’t seen him in a while, and generally don’t hang out with him as much as I did when we were still in school. Listening to him talk about his recent film set and relationship (of course, it’s impossible for me and any friend of mine to get together and not talk about the craziness that we put ourselves through at the whims and expense of our hearts) experiences made me realize how much we’ve all grown these last few years. Neither he, nor I, are the same people we were when we first met in our Sight and Sound Film class second semester sophomore yr of college. Sometimes it takes an old friend and a gap of time between you to realize how much you’ve grown.

The car ride from Rye to Torrington with Holly, Wes, Aldous and Erin was filled with good music (Bob Marley – “every little thing is gonna be alright”, Counting Crows, Alman bros, Dave Matthews) and good conversation: politics of course, the possibility of seeing a black jewish lesbian president in our lifetime (doubtful), oprah vs condi, what we’re reading, and of course celebrity gossip (ahh Britney…insert head shake here).

Once in Torrington we were met by a full keg, and a case of Stellas, with the promise of bbq on the way. Sitting by the pool, drinking, eating and talking with a great group of people, was the perfect way to spend the next 10hrs and that’s basically what we did. There was a game of kick/wiffle ball that Erin, Holly and I observed before we retreated back to the poolside with the puppy. 90’s trivial pursuit (playing with out the actual board is much better), celebrity taboo (is tricky with 15 people), and my new favorite game which I was excited to see resurface after it’s debut a few months ago: celebrity. It’s the best game ever. Really. Especially the last round and esp when you’re all pretty fucked up.

Cracking inappropriate jokes (“my beef’s not tough”), Erin pretending to be Sean Connory and prank calling the kid who was harassing Jess (“how’s your hunt going? Your hunt for red October….” “have you found forrestor yet?” immature perhaps, but fun none the less….i do wish we hadn’t used my phone tho….stupid kid kept calling and texting me for another 2hrs…), Mate or Date, catching up with old people and learning about new ones (while Erin and I tried to bribe the ADD riddled puppy to play with us for more than 2min at a time…) was exactly what I needed.

Danielle: You’ve really got the giggles tonight Courtney
Me: I’ve had a long week…it feels good to laugh.


I’ve learned a lot about myself in just the past few days and it’s a little overwhelming. I need the last 36hrs I just had so so badly. Now it’s time to start digitizing the newest wedding, while I curl up on the couch with my Mexican food and Rosario Dawson rocking those tight blue pants in Rent (i'll light your candle honey...)

deep breath

so i've had a running blog going in my head all day, but none of it is really formulated enough to write. so i'm putting this down instead:

"The things that we don't comprehend
Are laughing at my mind again
I think that i think too hard
And i don't give enough credit to my heart

I'm so
Damn curious to know
And there are too
Many unanswered questions
That we hold onto

I've put my theories to the test
You know i've tried to do my best
But maybe we weren't meant to strike gold
Sometimes things that you ignore
Are all the things i'm looking for
Will i learn to let go
Give into love and listen to my soul

I'm so
Damn curious to know
And there are too
Many unanswered questions
That I hold onto
Like you "


when did life get so layerd?


i should be sleeping. so i can get up and do laundry before i head up to CT....looking forward to a night out of the city, drunk with friends and bbq, sleeping in a tent under the stars....and looking forward to the 4th of july repeat of this past wed. night on annie's roof (thanks annie btw, for the inspiring view and good conversation, just what i needed) ...this time with more alcohol, a few more people, and fireworks(!)...her view is fucking amazing from up there, the fireworks are gonna be all around us....