great minds....

....are likeminded

and again

lack of steadiness

A: _______ just texted me that 'all is well'
A: she was suppssoed to be having her talk with her boyfriend tonight
A: how can all be well if your boyfriend solicits sex when you're away on business??
B: is there a way he didn't actually cheat on her?
A: i'm not sure
B: i mean there's no way there's like a misunderstanding happening there is there?
B: that's the only way for it to be all good
A: right, it can be 'okay'
A: but not 'good'
B: right, like he can apologize, say he didn't actually fuck anyone but the fact that he was looking is bad....etc....that's sorta better
B: but not at all 'all good'
B: crazy relationships
A: totally
B: why do people do this to themselves?
B: everyone i know has some kind of romance related drama
A: not me, not me!
B: hehe, not u....kinda
A: well, i mean the fact that it is missing from my life might be dramatic
B: u do have the _____ situation, and the need to find a boy, and get some drama
B: lol
B: exactly
B: it's always an issue one way or another
A: haha, it is
A: damn my drama.
B: haha
B: i should have stuck with my 15yr old theory, "relationships=bad and stupid, and i don't need one"
B: ah what happened to that young idealistic girl of long ago....
B: i miss her
A: aww
B: ha, i like how what some would call cynical, i call idealistic
A: lol


recently there has been a lack of steadiness in a lot of peoples romantic lives, nice to know i'm not alone, even though it sucks and i wish everyone around me (and me) could find and enjoy whatever it is they are looking for.

why this lack of steadiness? well, i think it just comes with life....but this article offers a little more illumination that could also explain it in part at least:

ah the early-mid 20's...what fun...

status

Ah myspace. It's funny (not the right word at all) how seeing a status change actually hits harder, kicks in, more than the actual conversation about the status change. Apparently, I'm not alone in this feeling. I wonder what that says about my generation. Although at the moment, that thought is at the bottom of a long list...

And suddenly this is way harder than I thought it'd be too. It takes me time. to process. and absorb. and sort out. everything.



It's funny (again not the right word) how it takes a conversation about breaking up to make me fully realize and understand my current definition of love. Or a part of it anyway....or something like that...



As much as I complain about not being where I want to be in a lot of ways, life really is all about the journey...and maybe that new definition is what i had to go on this one to learn, along with a few other things....but see, I don't think we ever stop learning, and growing....and as hard as that can be sometimes, I hope I never do, b/c if i stop, I won't be living my life....not fully....



How can I tell someone else that they don't give the ride enough of a chance when I know I do the same thing, just in different areas of my life? And I know that sometimes, even tho i'm staying on the ride, I'm doing it with my eyes closed sometimes...because I'm still reeling from the last ride I got off of. I hate how the remnants of the past continue to influence my future. But I know that I'd rather learn how to open my eyes, than just get off the ride.



I like how myspace blogs have that little "what i'm listening to" thing. Here's mine:







#5: "look me in the heart and tell me...."

#13: " there's not a lotfor you to give if you're giving in, and there's not a lot for you to feel if you're not feeling it..."

i'm so tired but i can't sleep....

...as usual. i'm tired of all the thoughts in my head. i'm tired of this phase. i'm tired of a lot of things i guess. that if i take the time to list and think about, i really will be up all night. but then, none of them are really currently relevant. i think it comes with this age. this in between phase. where you're supossed to figure out the rest of your life. i've had my life more figured out than most of my peers for a long time now. so why hasn't it gone the way i've wanted it to for the last 2 years? from full speed to baby steps filled with confusion and complication.

what the most accurate personality test i've come across says about me (while it may not seem relevant, believe me, it is):

"INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals."

this is what the song i'm listening to rt now says, and that, really, is what's the most relevant rt now:



"You in the dark
You in the pain
You on the run
Living a hell
Living your ghost
Living your end
Never seem to get in the place that I belong
Don't wanna lose the time
Lose the time to come

Whatever you say it's alright
Whatever you do it's all good
Whatever you say it's alright


Silence is not the way.


You in the sea
On a decline
Breaking the waves
Watching the lights go down
Letting the cables sleep

Whatever you say it's alright
Whatever you do it's all good
Whatever you say it's alright..."

it's not what i want (add it to the list)
and i know, at least on some levels, i'm right....

what does that mean?

who the fuck knows....

homeostasis

"Homeostasis is the property of an open system, especially living organisms, to regulate its internal environment to maintain a stable, constant condition, by means of multiple dynamic equilibrium adjustments, controlled by interrelated regulation mechanisms. The term was coined in 1932 by Walter Cannon from the Greek homoios (same, like, resembling) and stasis (to stand, posture).
The term is most often used in the sense of biological homeostasis. Multicellular organisms require a homeostatic internal environment, in order to live; many environmentalists believe this principle also applies to the external environment. Many ecological, biological, and social systems are homeostatic. They oppose change to maintain equilibrium. If the system does not succeed in reestablishing its balance, it may ultimately lead the system to stop functioning.
Complex systems, such as a human body, must have homeostasis to maintain stability and to survive. These systems do not only have to endure to survive; they must adapt themselves and evolve to modifications of the environment."


I love that what happens to your body on a biological level (from the inner workings of your very cells on up, to the interaction between those cells, and the organs, blood, plasma, nerve endings....ect. that they make up) also happens in that less physically tangible, but no less palpable emotional level. We are always reacting and adapting to our environments. Balancing ourselves between all the different worlds we embody from any given moment to the next. And trying to find just the right compromise in between….

my favorite police station

Number of blocks the police station: 4 1/2
Number of times I've now filled out a stolen property report in the last 6 and a half months: 2
Number of weird flashback memories going back to that police station gave me: only 1/2 (love how that whole time/healing thing works...only time that time ever does anything good for me)
Number of weird people I met: 1 and a half
Number of people I felt really bad for: 1
Number of hrs I waited til it was my turn: 1

Getting an idea for a short while I was waiting: priceless




















"and what i wanted most, what i wanted most, what i wanted most......."

........

friend: why is it all so complicated
Me: i don't want to ________________
Me: i want to not _______, and to ________, and for u and __ to not _____ too, and to be _______
Me: is that really too much to ask for?
friend: i kno courtney
friend: i want me and ___ to ______, and have ________, and be ______
friend: and be happy
friend:: it SHOULDN'T be too much to ask for




not related later on (not that the top part makes any sense anyway...but hey...that's life....it doesn't make sense to me and i even know what fills in the blanks....)


friend: i always feel pretentious and arrogant when i think i'm better than other people
friend: but if it's true are you really pretentious or arrogant?
me: lol
me: that's the best quote ever
friend: is that blogworth?
me: ha, yeah
me: and i agree
me: btw



rhi: someday courtney... someday
rhi: we will be great
me: when?
rhi: and we'll have super awesome biceps from hauling around that lighting rod
me: haha
rhi: we'll be able to take anybody in an arm wreestle
me: if we don't get burnt first.....
rhi: no no. in THIS particular analogy, [see her blog for the analogy we are referring to]the lighting is a good thing no a burn-yourself-with-a-dangerous-electrifying-thing
me: it's a good and bad thing in life too, everything has two sides
me: everything
me: always
me: no way around it
rhi: and sometimes i think the good/bad is determined by if you're ready for it
rhi: and when we are, we'll get it
rhi: and then the lightning will be good
me: fuck that, i'm ready, career and otherwise.....

......................
...........................

................................

new motto

just keep pushing til you push through



it has a universal appeal....





and i think i know what my next tattoo will be

balance

in arabic
between my shoulder blades

i think

haha

ah persepective:


Rhi: here's something to be thankful for though
Rhi: peter the guy who sorta runs the little kids theater
Rhi: fell down a flight of stairs last week
Me: ooo
Me: that's bad
Me: not good
Rhi: he still has a concussion and looked in not so good shape today
Rhi: his 1st day back at work
Me: so you're thankful you didn't fall down a flight of stairs? is that the point of the story?
Rhi: yes
Rhi: that is the point
Me: ah, well good then
Me: i'm also glad you haven't gotten a concussion lately
Me: this may end up on my blog





i love losing my mind:




Melis: nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Melis: taht was from earl [her cat]
Melis: i could have deleted it
Melis: but i thought that he would want me to send it to you
Me: hi earl!!!!
Me: aw yeah
Me:: yeah he did
Me: i love earl, even tho we've only met briefly
Me: i still have fond memories of the day....
Me: the sun was shinging
Me: earl was purring
Me: i curiously picked up his string on a stick toy
Me: and that's when the bonding really began.....
Melis: lol
Me: the moments i spent that winter''s afternoon watching earl leap through the air after the bead on the end of that string will stay in my heart forever
Me: lol
Me: ok...maybe i am still a little delusional
Melis: so what was that about not being delusional?
Melis: ha, yeah

good to be appreciated....

....Especially when you're running out of patience with your job.


"Dear Court,

Happy Anniversary! One whole year! Thanks so much for all you do and you do it so well; even if I don't tell you that. I hope you'll be staying another year. Thanks for putting up w/me.

All the best,
Lisa"

The appreciation is much appreciated. But I don't know if I can do this another year. It really wouldn't be the best move for my career or my mental health....

working with friends is good II

re: composing an email to my boss explaining that i will be coming in late this upcoming Monday b/c of pride.

Me: should i make up a dr's apointment or something or can i just be honest? "i plan on being too drunk/hungover to be in on time so i'll see you around 12/12:30"
Matty: i'd just be honest. it's like when jewish people get special time off for religous holidays.
Me: ha, it's like our passover.
Matty: gay passover!
Me: i should actually write that in the email, she'll get a kick out of it.
Matty: haha, yeah, "gay passover starts friday..."
Me: "....so I won't be in until 12:30 Monday b/c I'll be busy 'practicing my religion'..."
Matty: "....i'll be busy worshiping..."
Me: "...my girlfriends ti-.....yeah...."

haha

random thought of the day

I think I should be my therapists agent and get 15% of every patient I send her. Seriously, this could solve my financial woes, as I seem to be passing out her number like it's crack in harlem. (ok, that was not the most appropriate comment, sorry...)

But I think if i tried to turn our session today into some kind of pitch for a business proposition she'd say I was trying to avoid talking about something. Therapists are tricky like that.

working with friends is good

Matty: god court, your nipples are pretty prominent. that one just winked at me.

so glad my nipples are becoming a running topic of conversation...two days in a row...they feel special ;)


Me: isn't today the longest day of the year or something.
Matty: it's the first day of summer right?
Me: lightest out the longest i mean, not the longest day.
Matty: haha, i know, all days are 24hrs court.
Me: That's right...

Matty: cockies...that would be an interesting word huh

quote of the day catch up

#1

"she fucking needs to get her brains fucked out good or something, god!"
-my boss's way of saying that the agonizingly overly detailed anal rententive message that a certain line producer left her annoyed her

#2

Annie: Well you seem excited about it, your nipples are all hard.
Me: It's cold down here!....And why are you looking at my nipples?


#3

"We have this book called Enchanted: Erotic Bedtime Stories for Women. So I was reading some and it got me all horny. And now i want to make out with someone. It doesn't really matter who. Maybe I'll jump on the UPS.."
-a friend who prob wishes to remain unnamed...although it's pretty damn obvious....

Jesus quote of the day

Annie: so i think jesus was dead...

Me: lol, yes jesus did in fact die....

Annie: i mean..

Annie: GAY

Annie: not dead. he is dead. i can confirm that.

Me: lol

Annie: but read this..

Annie: The Cross is recognized as a symbol of Christ’s victory over death, and a reminder of his promise, “And when I am lifted up, I will draw all men unto me.”

Annie: doesnt that sound gay to you?

Me: lol

Me: yes, very gay

Me: jesus was a fag for sure

Me: which somehow makes me like him more....

Annie: HAHHA

Annie: jesus was GAY

Me: lol

part II

M: shit, can i leave now?
M: i mean really
M: i'm not even really doing anything
R: wait did she call you yet?
M: yeah, while i was smoking, she left a message about sending a tape up there, which i did an hr ago, but they're not done yet
M:i left her a message back, and sent her an email
M: i wish i knew how to check my messages from home
M: than i could just call in, and if she called, call her back from my cell
R: is there someone you could ask?
R:: like matty or annie?
M:they're not here
M: annie's shooting somewhere
M:: matts at the studio
rhirhi531 (3:08:03 PM): hmmm
rhirhi531 (3:08:08 PM): i got nuthin now
M: im doing a test....
R: it's great that this is how you're spending the final moment at work today

distraction

now that rhiannon is "unemployed" again, (at least for today) i have someone to entertain me all day, which is good, b/c it's slow...


R: or even just a frame from pic hour
M: i like the kissing, b/c it doesn't show all of their faces, which i think is good
R: ok
M: and it's cute, makes people think of happy things
M: u want them thinking happy when they look at our stuff
M: and sex sells my friend
M: sex sells
R: ha
R:i want sex
R: oh sorry
M: lol
R: i'm back on track
M: haha
R: got distracted
M: i saw
M: it happens
M: i do that all day


M: that's only a few clips too...
R: i block these things out
M: there's like 5 more couples...
M: some of them were pretty good
R: i wanna get married
R: sorry got distracted again
M: lol
M: yeah, i actually think about that stuff now
M: weird for me
M: but i look at all these stupid weddings and take little notes in my head and find myself thinking about my own wedding stuff, at odd moments
R: yeah. and exactly what I'm NOT gonna do at my wedding mostly
M: hehe
M: yes
R: like "oh god, that's so tacky!"
M: i think that's why i like the "lj"
R: theirs was pretty classy actually
M: and "michelle" weddings the best
M: well, michelle's was tacky, but they're cute
M: so i'd want to take their drunken making out ness
M: and throw it into lj wedding
R: you just wanna make out
R: again
M:haha
M: yes
R: right now
M: probably
M: shhh
M: don't get me started
M: ugh...damn you....too late
R: sorry
R: no i'm not
R: you know you can enable "background encoding" in DVD STudio pro right?

quote of the day

"you're gonna let your girlfriend get a hooker right?"

Production meeting quote of the day

Today's quote of the day was sponsored and overheard by Matty.
Some necessary background:

At the end of every show, our ever so charming host says the same stupid (and untrue) line she made up, that goes something like this:

"...my mind is always open, my door is never closed and there'll always be room for you at my table"


So, in the production meeting today, Cathy is referencing this Naomism for whatever reason:

Cathy(executive producer):.....and my table is always open...
Joyce (producer): No, it's "and my legs are always open"

Apparently, much laughter ensued.

And that, is why the 9th floor is way cooler than the 8th floor (with the exception of Annie, our honorary 9th floor member).

fuck ann coulter too

have you seen this shit?

http://thinkprogress.org/2006/06/06/coulter-911/


looks like i finally found a bigger, crazier bitch than my ex...never thought that day would come....

(ok, ok, it's still a close call...)

Fuck the FMA

thank you to the one reporter in Washington who actually seems to be doing their job, and to Raw Story for the transcript (and Matt, for iming it to me):

"WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY TONY SNOW: Whether it passes or not, as you know, Terry, there have been a number of cases where civil rights matters have risen on a number of occasions, and they've been brought up for repeated consideration by the United States Senate and other legislative bodies...

Q You mentioned civil rights. Are you comparing this to various civil rights measures which have come to the Congress over the years?

MR. SNOW: Not -- well, these -- it --

Q Is this a civil right?

MR. SNOW: Marriage? It actually -- what we're really talking about here is an attempt to try to maintain the traditional meaning of an institution that has maintained one meeting for -- meaning for a period of centuries. And furthermore --

Q And you would equate that with civil rights?

MR. SNOW: No, I'm just saying that I think -- well, I don't know. How do you define civil rights?

Q It's not up to me. Up to you.

MR. SNOW: Okay. Well, no, it's your question. So I -- if I --

Q (Chuckles.)

MR. SNOW: I need to get a more precise definition."

It is a civil rights issue motherfucker...way to stumble through that one asshole.

these assholes support the FMA

you can get their contact info here

haha

Matty: I had a sympathy climax, haha.

Now that, would be true friendship....and a little creepy...

retreat

"i'm so tired, but i can't sleep"

it's an old familiar feeling, that i recognize so much earlier, so much easier, am able to define so much more acutely now than all the years, times, before. more so than even a few months ago. my new therapist really must be good. i knew there was a reason i liked her.

partly, it's the fear that comes with feeling overwhelmed. with juggling. trying to keep so many balls in the air at once, wondering which one is going to fall and knock you down first. with investing.....in hope. gambling on the future, and the present. and now i'm treading into Albee's mixing metaphors territory. sometimes i wonder how much what i'm reading at any given time effects my train of thought when i'm not actually reading it. but that thought is way off track from where i started....

to find myself in positions that have potential, can be harder to handle than the opposite. b/c the potential for greater disappointment comes with it. and i wonder if that's partly why i.....


there are strings of words, like control, fear, and insecurity, that are all each others cause and effect, depending on the situation. and as i rearrange them in my head, like pieces of a puzzle, i come up with a new picture every time. like editing. the same strips of film, placed side by side, will make a new story every time, depending which side of each other they're on. but each story will still share the same theme.

it can be a very strange thing to understand yourself but to still end up feeling somewhat.....no lo so

i'm tired of uncertainty - real or imagined....

i wish they had smashing pumpkins on myspace

"Believe, believe in me, believe , believe
That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain

And you know you're never sure
But you're sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light

Believe, believe in me"

more quote of the day

A: i think i have a summer doomed to car positions
A: he's taking a job at his mom's office for the summer
B: does he get keys?
B: u can go there at night
B: desk sex
A: lol
B: it's fun, but bring something soft to go under your back, i bruised the hell out of mine....
A: i've contemplated that myself

quote of the day

Matty: I'll be your fake lesbian.

That's what friends are for...


(different time, different topic)
Matty:...labia liquor

(i'm not elaborating on the topic...)

quotes of the day

Annie (re: playing basket ball with little kids in harlem): I sat at the black kids lunch table in high school, so I was in my element.


Matty (under his breath, to me, after he held the door open for a man in a wheel chair, who ignored him): Just b/c your crippled doesn't mean you can't say thank you.

cut and paste

From this week's Savage Love:

"Q. I'm 20 and have been in a relationship for two years. My girlfriend doesn't want me going out with my friends. If I'm not at work or school, she thinks my time should be devoted to her. But sometimes I want to do other things. I can't bring myself to tell her off because it would hurt her. I've restricted going out with friends to once or twice a month, but she still makes scenes. She even gets upset when I send them text messages. I love her but I don't think this should continue. Maybe it's my fault for making her dependent on me emotionally. I'm her only friend and she doesn't have anyone to tell things to. -Wanting Time For Myself

A. Break. Up. With. The. Bitch. A romantic partner who attempts to isolate you from your friends, you can't even text them? is an abuser, WTFM. Your girlfriend can reasonably expect to be your top priority, but she can't demand all your time. Men who attempt to isolate their female partners frequently use threats of physical violence or actual violence to get their way, making it easy for the world to see them for what they are: abusers. When women pull the same crap on men it usually involves emotional manipulation - like, say, convincing the guy that he's her only friend or getting him to blame himself for making her so emotionally dependent on him and it can be harder to recognize the behavior as abusive. But abuse it is, and the longer you let her get away with it the worse it's going to get. DTMFA. "

eerily familiar. DTMFA i did.

(for the non-savage love readers out there: DTMFA= dump the motherfucker already)