Interlude

Before i get to the mammoth blog that needs to be written about the second event-filled half of the weekend, i'm posting this entirely random one. Just b/c i feel like it. And i needed to do something other than my job for at least 2minutes, and this is it.


the amusing email annie just sent to the whole company, which maybe isn't as amusing if you weren't a part of our riveting (can you feel the knee deep layers of sarcasm?) staff meeting earlier this morning:

"Subject: Time to get happy!!

Is July 7 too far away to be thinking about summer hours?

Is the new intranet leaving you feeling confused, lost and uncertain about the future?

Is the amount of spam in your email box killing you?

FEAR NOT - we have a plan! We are kickin off our Summer Happy Hour this Friday...

Who: Us

Where:

When: This Friday (leaving at 5:30pm sharp from lobby)

Why: Why not?!

How: Subway (NR)

Please pass this on to anyone I may have missed or could not locate on my Novell address book, now that we are switching servers. Everyone is welcome!"


thanks annie, for distracting me for an additional minute or so while i read this

back to working on the credits, for, of all episodes, the one entitled "the other side of despair", sigh....

Life, the Universe and Everything.

Is what I’ve discussed so far this weekend.

Thurs: Al comes trudging up the stairs w/her huge backpack, and I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I’ve last seen her. We talk about how the apartment’s changed, she says she’s proud of what I’ve done with it, turning it from our eclectic (a nice word for slightly chaotic at times) college pad into an “adult apartment”. She’s happy that I have her art all over the walls, and I’m happy that she left it with me to put up. We share many, many beers, and many many meandering (typical Al and Court fashion) stories. Two hours in we realize we each have at least 5 different threads of 5 different major stories hanging in the air, and we try to work our way back from the random side street subjects of Italian poetry and street chalk drawings back through to finish the beginning. By 4am we’ve managed to tie together the major points, with out missing any of the random colorful details in between. Walking to the deli for more cigarettes and smoking and drinking out on the stoop it feels like she never left. Going to sleep it’s weird that her bed isn’t right across from mine, to have half-sleeping-not-coherent-train-of-thought conversations before sleep. Living with Al always felt like sleep away camp.

Fri: Coffee. Large coffee’s. And talk of a puppet movie, about the way life moves in circles. That change but somehow still stay the same. Then uptown with half a bagel in my stomach, wandering through the rain in midtown to meet Deb and Devon at The Four Seasons, for a drink, b/c we think it’s amusing. I love that I’m wearing my “Everyone loves an X (the X added by me) catholic girl” shirt in this ridiculously old school swanky hotel bar. Where my “Green Teani” (arguabley one of the best drinks I’ve ever had) costs $20 and comes on a silver tray, with my own shaker and dish of dried cranberries. Then the four of us head back downtown to get beers at a dive bar in my neighborhood. The one we saw the fight at that time. Nice. Then Al and I drunkenly wander around Union Square to buy her a cell phone charger, and we buy our finger puppets in route. I eat, and pass out until 11, when I wake up feeling hung over and Al stumbles in from dinner with Andrea feeling the same. Up til 4 again, trying not to feel hung over, watching “Next” on MTV and laughing our asses off at the most immature, inappropriate jokes, which I don’t feel the need to share here….I laugh so hard my head hurts and fall asleep.

Sat: More coffee. Joke around with the puppets, do laundry, take notes. Up to the park (where Alex unintentionally re-enacted a scene from Oz with a very large woman on the train who seemed to want to get to know her a little more intimately…) for something like 5hrs, with visits from Sabrina and Shannon, Deb, and then Andrea, her bf, and Cosmo, the squirrel obsessed puppy. Back home to eat and shower and wake up enough to go out. Which is what I need to go get ready to do right now.

5 day weekend

hell yeah. i need one. no 'real job', no freelancing, no weddings, no working all day and then coming home to do more work, all the while wondering if it's a futile attempt at a future that's just out of my reach and maybe i should've just gone to med/law school like my parents wanted...i would have been good at both...but not happy.

i am now officially taking 5 days off from worrying about any of that bullshit, starting in just 3hrs...kick the weekend off at the dog park w/matty and diesl (puppy!), and then drinking and catching up with al. exactly what i need.

i'm encouraging everyone i know to do the same thing this weekend, and to feel free to come do it with me. everyone i know is getting burnt and stressed out, wondering about the future. and while most of you only have a 3 day weekend, i think you should all spend it taking a mental vacation, and meeting me for drinks wherever it is i may be. annie, i know you're already in....here's a song from our lunch kareoke session to get the weekend going (minus all the gang banger shit..):

"This is how we do it, all hands are in the air
And wave them from here to there
If youre an o.g. mack or a wanna-be player
You see the hoods been good to me
Ever since I was a lower-case g
But now Im a big g. the girls see I got the money
A hundred-dollar bills yall

If you were from where Im from then you would know
That I gotta get mine in a big black truck
You can get yours in a 64

Whatever it is, the partys underway
So tip up your cup and throw your hands up
And let me hear the party say


Im kinda buzzed and its all because
(this is how we do it)
South central does it like nobody does
(this is how we do it)
Ynv, scc, all my homies
(this is how we do it)
Ill never come wack on an old school track"

LOST

what an aptly titled show. all i can say, are the three words i repeated over and over again as we watched tonights season finale....what the fuck?

ha

a conversation about a line we use in our promotional material:

me: what awards did we win?
rhi: i got a screenwriting one at school and then you and i had "Lost and Found" in that festival.
me: haha
me: maybe if i actually entered my shit into stuff i'd win something. [i so don't have time to research any of that tho...anyone wanna find me some festivals i qualify for and make press kits for me?]
me: ha, i win the unknown editor/director of the year award.
me: i just gave it to myself.
rhi: lol
me: i'd like to thank....
me: my parents for being among the few people actually interested in my career right now
me: and my friends for putting up with me complaining about my career right now
rhi: ha
me: and for taking me out and getting me drunk to forget about my career
me: and S. for making out with me and thereby pleasantly distracting me from my career right now
rhi: lol

sleepy quote of the day

Melis: my notebook looks like it'd make a good pillow right now
me: yeah, my keyboard looks like it'd make a good pillow right now too


i so don't want to be here right now. trying to focus and not drift off into thinking about what (and who) i'd rather be doing right now....fuck....

you know you're pmsing when...

...you almost start crying 5 different times in 15min, in the middle of the hallmark store, trying to pick out a card for your dad's birthday...damn these sappy sentimental cards...which, of course, is exactly the type of card i chose...

too bad i'm mailing it way way too late. i'm so bad with this shit.

po-ten-tial

adj.
Capable of being but not yet in existence; latent: a potential problem.
Having possibility, capability, or power.
Grammar. Of, relating to, or being a verbal construction with auxiliaries such as may or can; for example, it may snow.

n.
The inherent ability or capacity for growth, development, or coming into being.
Something possessing the capacity for growth or development.



m.f.l.s.r.n.
It can be very difficult to make people see your potential outside of the little box, the little realm of exisistance, the capasity they currently know you in.



ca·pa·ble
adj.
Having capacity or ability; efficient and able: a capable administrator.
Having the ability required for a specific task or accomplishment; qualified: capable of winning.

of
prep.
Possessing; having: a person of honor.
On one's part: very nice of you.
Containing or carrying: a basket of groceries.
Specified as; named or called: a depth of ten feet; the Garden of Eden.
Centering on; directed toward: a love of horses.



more
adj. Comparative of many., much.
Greater in number: a hall with more seats.
Greater in size, amount, extent, or degree: more land; more support.
Additional; extra: She needs some more time.

n.
A greater or additional quantity, number, degree, or amount: The more I see of you the more I like you.


adv. Comparative of much.
To or in a greater extent or degree: loved him even more.
Used to form the comparative of many adjectives and adverbs: more difficult; more softly. See Usage Note at perfect.
In addition: phoned twice more.
Moreover; furthermore.




(in tutto)

poesia italiana

"Getto via tempo se per me mi fingo
una mano che consoli.
Mai unguento lenirà il mio corpo.

Guardo il mondo e le
sue vaghe ipocrisie su
del vivere essenziali fondamenti,

guardo la pioggia sul lago imprevista
da un angolo di caldo e di condensa,
chissà quand’è che arriverà il mio lampo."

-Andrea Raos





"Poi, alla fine,
mi metto in moto
nonostante
la tentazione di restare
nelle zone più vicine
in vista del mio noto.
Ma, in compenso, parto
solo per tornare.
Non so neanch'io
cos'è che vale
e mi convince,
quale pensiero . . . 
un'intuizione certa
un sesto senso
che mi spinge,
la coscienza fulminante
di una scoperta
paradossale,
che bisogna perdersi
per potersi davvero
ritrovare."

-Paolo Ruffilli

drunk early

sorta co-writing this blog with rhiannon while she drinks another beer with me and (then) sobers up enough to drive to jersey.

funny "anonymous" quote of the day:
B: Like what?
A: like...'come fuck me'? can i really send that text?
B: why not? it's not like you're saying 'come be in a relationship with me"
(i haven't laughed that hard in.....)


Went to see a very cute singer girl, that we're trying to solicit (for professional purposes...or not says rhiannon, haha).

funny quote of the day part II:
(re: the cute singer girl)
Rhi: She had a girl thing but lost her nerve apparently
Me: oh I'll help her find it, haha
Rhi: That's what i was thinking!

hahaha


Contemplated life, love and mystery and laughed about it all. Drinking beers with a friend who you're NOT going to make out with while discussing the ones we ARE making out with, can't be beat. - Rhi

Listening to ani, singing along, damn how these lyrics fit our lives in so many ways...
"i've had a little bit to drink and it's making me think...."

"what bothers me
is that you don't know how you feel"
and as we hear this line coming up, we both start laughing and singing louder, and as it passes, we acknowledge the moment, and laugh harder than ever.

"and i've got
no illusions about you
and guess what?
i never did
and when i said
when i said i'll take it
i meant,
i meant as is"


"climbing up on the railing, trying not to look down..."


quote from the cute singer girl tonight:
"with all the sand that gets around in this world, we should all be motherfucking pearls"

hell yeah




most random drunkish blog ever hahaha

p.s.

Rhi: (re: her phone camera) you're smarter than i am when you're drunk



haha, i doubt it...i'm not smarter than anyone right now....


Rhi: (re: her text frenzy w/her boy) look i didn't have sex yesterday...of course i'm horny...

"been thinkin' a lot today..."

Work-wise, today has been mercifully slow compared to the last three days of stressful chaos, for a job that isn't even what i'm meant to be doing. It's not that I hate it or anything, I do like it, well, parts of it. I like the people, the environment, the fact that I get to have days like today when nearly my entire floor is up in Harlem shooting and I mostly have the place to myself, and things are relatively quiet. But, this is not what I'm meant to be doing. And reaching my year anniversary is pushing the reality of the weight of time on my shoulders. And I'm tired of not feeling fulfilled.

See, the bad thing about days like today is that it gives me way too much time to think. (people, from the past and the present, keep popping up at weird times, in weird places/thoughts in my head, and I don't want them there...and I don't know what to do about it). I really just want to go home and work on my own projects right now. I always find solace in working on things I care about and even though I complain about the weddings, I feel good working on them. I know that it's a means to an end, at least I get to play around on my Avid to do them, and I'm getting paid. All good things. All parts of things I need right now.

Even though I'm a notorious over-analyzer, there are times when I don't think I like thinking. I'd rather be taking action. Taking action to change the things I have control over is sometimes a much better solution than over thinking all of the things I don't have control over. And taking action is the only way I'll actually get control over some of those things. Working on my own shit, is the only solution I have right now, the only step I can take towards some of the many changes I need.

Luckily I have a great partner in crime: click me part II

other thoughts:
"and what I wanted most, what I wanted most, what I wanted most was to get myself all figured out and what I figured out, what I figured out, what I figured out was I needed more time to figure you out"

click here

"looking on the bright side, when there is no bright side"

aka Rhi's new blog title. And the post that goes with it. And my comments that go with that. And now I'm done.

multiple choice

talking to rhiannon about our second favorite topic after our company/professional future and she reminded me of the first blog she wrote:

"Once a mutual state of like between two people is determined,
the following should be answered.
Lying is not allowed.

I am interested in you for:
A) Sex only
B) platonic friendship only
C) dating with no added responsibility or commitment
D) a relationship that would include sex, friendship,
and reciprocated responsibility and commitment "


or E) I have no fucking idea at this moment in time.


multiple choice :)



On a different note, I need come up with very good excuse/bs story to extort a list of recent graduate emails from a small Christian college in NJ. It can't have anything to do with videopgraphy...Rhi tried that approach, didn't go so well, so now I have to try to go in all incognito...any ideas?

Astrology

This is what the little quiz rhiannon sent me says my most compatible sign is:

"This adaptable and lively partner is just your type. Initially, a ____ may catch your eye with an intellectual remark or their flirtatious banter. But as you get to know them, you're more likely to be drawn to their creativity and ability to find the fun in any situation. People born under this sign are typically outgoing types who love to spend time with a variety of people. In fact, a ____ social butterfly tendencies can make them seem flighty or even a bit erratic at times. However, ____ are also top-notch thinkers with original ideas. In the bedroom, you'll find the ____ to be equally creative. As a result, they can be very engaging lovers. Overall, _____ are innovators with an uncanny ability to stay balanced in chaotic situations. "


What sign do you think it is?

lunch table kareoke

Annie and I spent the better part of lunch today sounding like a commercial for one of those "hits of the 90's" compilation cd's. It's amazing (and a little scary) some of the songs I still know the words to, i.e. Color Me Bad's "I wanna sex you up" (yeah...I had that on cassette...).

We sang our way through a medley of oh so random songs like:

Ace of Base "I saw the sign" and that one that goes: "All that she wants is another baby, she's gone tomorrow boy" (Annie: what the hell was that song about anyway? she wants a baby and then she's leaving?)
Montell Jordan, "this is how we do it" ("so i reach for my 40 and I turn it up, designated driver take the keys to my truck......so tip up your cup, throw your hands up and lemme hear the party say, i'm kinda buzzed and it's all because...")
TLC ("so I creep, yeah, just keep it on the downlow....")
Janet ("like a moth to a flame burned by the fire..", "if I was your girl all the things I'd do to you...")
Violent Femmes ("when I'm a walking I strut my stuff and I'm so strung out"
-Annie: Was that song really about masturbation?)
Spice Girls (hahahaha)
Sean Something ("sunny came home..." - Me: didn't she come home and burn the house down or something?)
Paula Cole ("I don't wanna wait...") Ah Dawson's Creek.
Naughty by Nature ("you down w/opp? yeah you know me" -Me: I was so excited when I found out what opp stood for. Annie: wait, what does it stand for?
"hip hop hooray, ho, hey ho")
Soul Asylum ("run away train never coming back, wrong way on a one way track")
Areosmith (all those videos with Liv and Alicia)
Early Mariah (that video where she's wearing a flannel shirt on top of that mountain...priceless...)
Boys to Men ("motown philly back again...")
Some random group ("I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I'd love you to love me...")

That's all I remember but there were at least 20 more...I feel like we should get our own VH1 "I love the 90's" special.


My favorite discovery of the day:

The bi-racial cookie.

i need to start sleeping more

my cracked out quotes of the day:

Annie: Are you logged into the tape library?
Me: Yeah, hold on, I'll tell u when I'm done.
pause
Me: Ok, I'm out.
Me: Of the tape library
Me: and the closet...
Annie: Haha


Me to my boss:

"See this is where I just stop listening to you."


We're both cranky. She laughed. Now we shut our door so we could blast Nirvana. Awesome.

Tired of waiting

Chain smoking with coffee in my park, talking to Rhiannon about our mutual frustration. As we are in nearly identical places, she seems to be the only one I can have these conversations with and actually feel understood, actually feel better, find some semblance of hope in my plans, that my (our) goals are with in reach.

This is something I need to remind myself of sometimes. I’ll reach a point of semi-surrender, of compliance. But those phases never last long, I’m not happy compromising my dreams. I’ll let myself be overwhelmed temporarily, but it ends up just making me more frustrated and then more motivated. That’s what my tattoos are for. When things get too hard or frustrating, I just have to look at myself. Remember that this is something I want bad enough to needle it into my flesh, and that the pain of that process is analogous to the pain of this frustration. The needles were worth it, and this will be too. By etching my reminders into my skin, these physical symbols of what’s always been inside, I am forced to look to myself for the answers, and that is always the kick start I need. This is who I am, I can not do, or be anything else.

I chose the word “courage” carefully for my first one. I knew that that last year of college was probably going to be the last year I felt fulfilled creatively for a while, and I’d need courage, to not give up, sell out to some bullshit 9-5 for any longer than necessary to carry me to the next step, and the next, and the next…to learn to find fulfillment in any other way I could in the meantime, the courage to learn patience, something I’ve never been good at when it comes to life goals (I can sit and do puzzles for hours…but I can never wait for something I really want).

Growing up, and even during college, I’d always romanticized this idea of being an “artist”. But actually trying to be one, to support yourself in all necessary tangible ways sometimes means compromising what you need to fulfill yourself creatively, mentally, spiritually. No one taught me how to build a career in this crazy fucking industry. It is all a game and all you can do is guess at the best strategy. Test your hypothesis’s, learn from cause and effect. My parents advice is useless, their careers are so vastly different from mine and while they mean well, their words don’t help much beyond moral support. I was lucky to have some good professors who gave me some good advice, but it’s all taking longer than I want it to, and it's getting harder and harder to console myself with my elaborate daydreams of my future.

A friend told me once that I live too much in my head. She meant it as an insult of sorts, or more like a complaint. But I took it as a compliment. My inner life is my solace, and my strength. If you can visualize yourself doing something, then you can actually do it in reality. I already have made parts of the world I created in my head into reality. NYU was a huge part of that, which is why I miss it so much sometimes. After spending 4 years being able to actually make the movies that play in your head, it’s unbelievably stifling to have to put that process on hold.

So I sit in the park on the phone, calculating figures, going over strategy, trying to figure out how to put ourselves in the financial positions we need to be in to go for that next step, and how to get to that step, and the next, and the next and the next…

I am so so tired of having to compromise. This is who I am, I can not do, or be anything else. And so there is no room for compromise.

"but i've had a lack of inhabition
i've had a loss of perspective
i've had a little bit to drink
and it's making me think
that i can jump ship and swim
that the ocean will hold me
that there's got to be more
than this boat i'm in
they can call me crazy if i fall
all the chance i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me
i'm moving at the speed of sound
i'm just gonna get my feet wet
until i drown
i teeter between tired
and really, really tired
i'm wiped out and i'm wired
but i guess that's just as well
cuz i've built my own empire
out of car tires and chicken wire
and now i'm queen of my own compost heap
and i'm getting used to the smell
i've had a lack of information
i've had a little revelation
i'm climbing up on the railing
trying not to look down
i'm going to do my best swan dive
into shark infested waters
i'm going to pull out my tampon
and start splashing around
cuz i don't care if they eat me alive
i've got better things to do than survive"

random 36ish hrs

Today was the most random day ever. Got up at 7 (in Manorville, btw) to catch a plane to Baltimore (the flight lasts an hr...you're talking off for like 20min, actually in the air for about 15, and then "descending" for the next 25...i hate "descending"). Once in Baltimore, spent a half an hr walking around, an hr getting lunch, another 2 and a half hrs or so at the aquarium, and then went back to the airport. After another 25min of dizzying decent, went from the Islip airport (which I had been in just 8 hrs prior) to Lake Grove, to get my mom (and then somehow my dad and I as well) new cell phones. I love the phone, sad about losing my old texts, sometimes I'm far too sentimental, (melis you're gonna have to re-send me that one about being a "crazy motherfucker" ha). Then off to my gram's, to say hi for mothers day, and then finally, back to my apartment, an hr and a half later than i estimated i would be, and for some reason, very very tired...something about wandering around and looking at fish for two hrs really takes it out of you...maybe it was all that airport/plane time...i really hate descending... All this in the name of a free plane tkt to Cali (or anywhere else in the US I want, for up to a yr)

The day with my parents was much more fun than I thought it'd be tho, so all the plane time was worth it. The highlight of the weekend so far though, was driving my car. It's the one thing I miss about not being on long island. I plugged my ipod in and just drove around for an hr, music blaring, singing along badly at the top of my lungs half the time, just driving and letting my mind wander the other half (when you live in the middle of nowhere you can get away with that, even if it is kinda rainy and foggy...). Since the moment I got my license, my time alone driving my car has always been one of my favorite and most effective modes of release/catharsis. Went to my spot, smoked a cigarette outside, was too freaked out to walk around on the dock by myself tho...i feel like they used to have more lights there...i never used to be freaked out to go to the end of the dock alone at night...i used to do it a lot actually...maybe it was the fog, it looked all creepy and foreboding...and that big goose thing that's always there was giving me a weird look...

I had a lot of much more meaningful thoughts last night and today that I initially intended to write about - about my family, my current life situation, thoughts on my possible future life situations...but I'm tired and I don't feel like it anymore.

For a little bit of insight into what some of those thoughts were, read the top three posts for May 12th, and my comments, here:

It's All A Test

I'm gonna go play with my new phone. And sleep.

quote of the day...

...definitely goes to melissa's sister. Upon coming home this morning to change from her date last night, which she missed Lost for:

Melis: Jonnie and Chris say that you need to work on your priorities.
Sister: Tell them I'm prioritizing my vagina!


While I'm happy for both her and her vagina, I'm sad that this probably means that she won't be posting any more of those Craigslist ads I found so amusing. Or asking me for advice about why her work friends don't think she's gay enough (prob b/c you're not actually gay hun...thinking that maybe it'd be kinda fun to kiss a girl doesn't count...)

take me away

http://www.grandwailea.com/gallery/

old insecurities

"Will I ever get to
to where it is that I am going
will I ever follow through with what I
with what I have planned
I guess it's possible
that I have been a bit distracted
and the directions for me
are a lot less in demand

Will I ever get to where I'm going
if I do will I know when I'm there?
if the wind blew me in the right direction,
would I even care?
I would"


"Sometimes I feel the fear of
uncertainty stinging clear
and I can't help but ask myself
how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer"



It's interesting how emotions can sometimes be so very physically present.

tuesday....i think...

Why does it feel like Thursday? Wishful thinking...

Quote of the day:

Me: ha, i love how i just read the title of one of your episodes as "god does not answer you" when in fact the word is "abandon" haha
Me: Freudian slip
Matty: hehe...i like ur title better
Me: me too
Me: all of your titles are very dramatic this week...
Me: must be that "dramaturge"
Matty: exactly...they aren't really our suggestions
Me: "other side of despair"
Me: sounds like a lifetime movie...
Matty: yah i think anne heche starred in it
Me: lol
Me: that one may have been "other side of sanity"
Me: maria made a guest appearance...
Matty: oh yah...powerful cameo
Me: hehe, crazy bitches....


p.s. my favorite segment title for next weeks shoot: "Druggy Neighbor", that one, is in the episode entitled "The Power of Community".

We have the most random demographic...I always want to pull a fight club move and start intercutting frames here and there with images that perpetuate my own socio-political agenda...can i get fired for that?

yo mtv raps

Quote of the Day:
Not anticipating the cool weather, Annie only brought shorts to wear for her softball practice after work. She went to Century 21 and bought the only pair of softball appropriate pants she could find for under $20. She called me to come check out her gettup after she'd changed at the end of the day...



Me: (laughing)
Annie: "Oh my god Court, it's not funny. I look like Run DMC"
Me: (laughing harder) Put your hood up.

She does, and strikes a rapper pose.

Me: (laughing even harder) I have to take a picture of this...I'm getting my phone. Don't leave!











You look oh so ghetto fabulous my friend. Rock those pants. And your rapper pose? I think you'd make Aldous proud.
Haha.

it's official

re: trying to show me a travelocity page w/her info

melis: does this work?
me: no, it must be "secure"
melis: know what else is secure?
me: what?
melis: handcuffs


haha, that's part of why she's been my best friend since i was 12.....


melis: fuck, it won't let me put more than $400 on my debt card
me: credit?
melis: yup
me: yay credit cards
me: (or actually not so much)
me: mine gave me a limit of like $7000, so i hate them, it's too tempting, don't they know to cut me off at like $1,000?
melis: haha


a little later on:


me: book it yet?
me: it's almost midnight...
me: i'm harassing you and i think it's funny
melis: lol
melis: ok, it's booked. :) :)
me: yay!!!!
melis: we're going to hawaii :)


hell yeah we are
granted i have to do a week of tourist shit w/my parents first...but even that will probably be fun

let the (way too long) countdown begin....



p.s.

melis: omg, we totally have to change our vacation...
melis: there was just a commercial on TV for "vistnj.com"
me: lol
melis: we HAVE to go to jersey
melis: screw hawaii


litterally laughing out loud. and i'm ending the night on that.

sleepy

This very good weekend has somehow left me feeling exhausted and oddly a bit emotional-like for the past few hrs. I'm chalking it up to not really eating right and/or sleeping enough all weekend...and leaving it at that. Sometimes it can be about what you leave out...but right now even I'm (mostly) in the dark from myself and not in the mood to self analyze to figure it out. I think my motto for this week, maybe for the next few weeks, will be "save it til wednesday".

I am wishing more and more that vacation was coming sooner than it is. I need some time away. Tipsy for 6 days straight with a friend, a book, and a beach. In just a few more months....

http://www.visitmaui.com/beaches.html


I'm still feeling all shmooie (to borrow a word) I think. But I need to be working.


It's 7:45 in California and I have a phone call to make. One of few who know me well enough to keep me sane, she usually has the right things to say.

drunk blogging...

...can be dangerous. vitamin water and diner food is helping the sober up process before i go to bed and luckily i was smart enough to pass the tequila shot along when it came my way (thanks ben, but i learned that tequila and i will never be friends during the course of my sophmore yr of college). started the night off by finding a very cool t-shirt store with hasan (who's last night in town was tonight), talk at bar #1 of how weird it was to be out so "early", in college we didn't even leave to go out til midnight, and here we are at 10pm talking about how old we are. ha. i miss friday's off too. onto bar #2 with skeet ball, where we all got drunk enough to forget "how old we are" and move along to quotes of the day that i don't remember right now, and going over the current group gossip/drama, both new themes and old. the reality of where we're at or not doesn't matter anymore and we try to find songs we know on the jukebox. quick stories in walks around the block, and talk of "motating". down to 5 at bar #3, and as it's around 3:00am, maybe we're not so old yet...even though i'm yawing and thinking of how soft and warm my bed is...one more drink, walking home with friends drama unfolding in the background, me, ben and melis give up on them around nearly 4:00, and walk me home. melis goes to the train. ben stumbles back to pick up other people's pieces and i eat diner left overs, drink juice, and wonder if i'm actually gonna go to work tomorrow or not...ha. i really should, for just like 2-3 hrs, at some point. which means that i need to go to bed now.

quote of the day - Act II

Re: The current difficulty of finding a tapas/mexican place to take our reservation for a group of about 10ish at 9pmish for cinco de mayo tomorrow

Annie:

"we will find a place.
we will prevail.
we will not go gently into that good night."

if last weekend was any indication, "drunkenly into that good night" is more like it....

The Jello Fellows Want YOU

This is what bored (and alcohol loving) film kids do when the server goes down at work for 80% (and counting) of the day...they collaborate over google images and short descriptions and come up with this:

Annie's Jello Fellows



Quote of the day:

Annie and I walk to the deli singing (I'm still not sure why) with Matty just behind us.

Me & Annie: "...who's that casting, devious stares in my direction, mama this surely is a dream..."
Matty: "Court's ass really bounces when she walks. Especially in these green pants...it's like a fresh apple pie"

Haha. Thanks Matt...

long and self indulgent...

....and i don't care.

Earlier today:

Rhi: life really is all a test
Me: yeah, i'm beginning to think that more and more
Rhi: it's a cosmic experiment
Rhi: "hmmm. you're handling that all pretty well
let's see how you do with ...
rhi: THIS!"
rhi: "HAHAHAHAHA"
Me: lol
Me: i'm just gonna start posting our conversations
as my blogs, haha
me: we have to talk in code then tho
me: b/c you know how i like to be vague...
rhi: will do
rhi: we've had exceptional conversations lately
me: we're so so brillaint.....sigh.....
me: haha
rhi: you and i communicate so much better than either
of us does with our “significant others”
me: lol, i litterally just laughed out loud...and
my boss looked over at me like i was crazy, laughing at my computer
screen...

(this part of the conversation has mysteriously been deleted)

me: right
me: b/c people who date
me: don't communicate as well as just friends do
me: b/c of all that other crap i mentioned above
me: and i'm so so blogging right now
rhi: yup
me: as i right this to u
me: and u are doing the same thing
me: and it's cracking me up
me: we're writing concious of the blog lurking in
the background...
rhi: we should start a JOINT blog where we always
post our incredibly intelligent and original IMs
rhi: for all the world to read and learn from
rhi: ...
me: lol
rhi: what NOT to do of course, since neither of us
has figured out what TO do
me: we dont even learn from them rhiannon...
rhi: now i'm laughing out loud at my computer
rhi: hahahhahahah
me: it really is all just a test
me: fuck it
rhi: like i said
rhi: you and me
rhi: leave all the crazy people
rhi: and live someplace where they haven't even HEARD english
me: and a tv to watch lost tho, hehe
me: like in the local bar down the street or something
me: the whole town will come get drunk and watch lost
rhi: and ocassionally we'll have parties with the locals for the
purpose of making out
me: and then we'll all wander back to our peaceful,
confusion-less lives
rhi: but then they'll all leave
me: lol
me: they need to be hot young locals then...
rhi: and we can drink white wine and talk about how great life is
me: all the wine will make us get emotionally attatched to
the locals tho
me: and then this shit will start all over again
me: but on a beach
me: with subtitles
rhi: hahaha
me: see, it's inevitable
me: it's life
rhi: subtitles are awesome
me: that's it
rhi: we could just keep moving
rhi: from place to place
rhi: different subtitles
me: lol
me: i still say it's inevitable
me: it's the human condition
me: to have stupid emotions
me: and therfore issues b/c of them
rhi: i think we're programmed to want to love and be loved
me: exactly
rhi: and we're also programmed to not understand the people we
love and want to be loved by
rhi: thereby preventing us from achieving our needs/desires
me: eventually, and probably sooner than i'd like, just
making out w/the locals wouldn't be enough, I’d pick one and get attatched
me: exactly
me: it's just the cycle, accept it and roll w/it, that's what i say
me: it's not what other people are saying to me
me: who knows
rhi: what are other people saying to you?
Me: i'm gonna go be a buddhist monk and learn how to love
the fucking trees or something instead
rhi: wait
rhi: do buddists have sex?
Me: lol
Me: probably
Me: who knows
Me: maybe they have vibrators
Me: silent ones...
Me: haha
Rhi: there could be vibrators that also played chanting music
Rhi: there's probably quite a market for that
Me: lol
Me: we can look into that too, with the stickers, and shirts


I’ll reiterate, at least we amuse ourselves. And really, at this point, does anything else really matter?

I heart my therapist

Really, she is worth every penny I pay her, and every hour I work at my "real" job to have the insurance to cover the rest. I always leave there feeling surprisingly lighter than when I left. But also a lot more open and vunerable than I prefer to be walking around the city during rush hour. Going from her safe, quiet office, back out into the croweded chaos of rush hour can be unnerving in a ripped out of the womb kind of way. Especially in that neighborhood, M.'s neighborhood. These two things have given me a very odd and conflicting association with the area. It's both comforting and anxiety filling, the safest and most dangerous place to be all at the same time - that actually would make for a good analogy about relationships themselves, ha. So every time I leave her building I have my post-therapy ritual. A re-installing of the outer shields of sorts. I stand in the lobby and pull on my hood, sunglasses, whatever concealing accesory I have on me that day, headphones on, volume way up, cigarette in my mouth, ligher in my hand, out the door, light the cigarette, and move as quickly and aggresively as possible to and onto the train. This outer shield is vital for those moments. B/c my inner sheilds are still very much down, my head still processing the last hour, staying open to sort out everything new. Sheilds down, mind/heart open and growing, all the way home, drowning out the rest of the world with my ipod volume and eyelids.

If you ever want to know what I'm really thinking, catch me right after therapy.

lost in translation

with the states of confusion in each of our lives right now, rhiannon and i have decided to only speak in a different language as a response of sorts.

rhi: good plan
rhi: i don't know any other languages though
me: hehe, yeah...that'll really help things roll along
me: i'll teach you italian while i re-learn it


a little later on...after lesson's 1 and 2:

rhi: how about for when you're not sure if you're getting along or not
me: ooo ok
rhi: i think i might not like you right now. and i may not want to have sex either.
rhi: how's that for ambiguous
me: lol
me: ok
rhi: i think i might pee my pants i'm laughing so hard right now
me: something like this: (the gramar is gonna be off...but hey...it's been like 3yrs so...)
me: penso non me piace te adesso ma no lo so e penso non voglio avere seso con te adesso ma no lo so
rhi: ha
me: lesson 4
rhi: oh good. there's more

(insert lesson 4 here)

rhi: hahahaha
rhi: that's good stuff right there



at least we manage to amuse ourselves...right?



god i wish i was in italy...that's the other thing (other thing as in along with the other four thousand things...) that's been on my mind a lot lately...sleepy little coastal towns...cliffs over the ocean...lemoncello...yeah...solace...right there...maybe i'll go there in my dreams if i concentrate....

reverse logic

how is it that taking a nap made me more tired and cranky? aren't naps supposed to have the opposite effect? as the official queen of naps (ah college - walk into my freshman/sophomore/jr/sr yr room "hi, what are you (guys) doing? ooo, napping, great! i'm in!") i'm dissapointed....huh....weird mental click moment...anyway, moving on...

i also have had an entirely different blog to post under that title...sort of a companion analogy to rhiannon's dvd story and how reverse logic worked in our favor there...but not today...or at least not right now...b/c i need to go take a walk or something...to wake up and get uncranky enough to straighten out my apartment and do some work


partial quote of the day II:

annie: ew
me: haha, i know!

(thanks)

and

annie: "If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives."
(which i think we all did a pretty good job of this weekend, as annie describes ever so well in her blog, Think Big, on the right - all about the jello shots...)

i love how i can write 4 blogs, and still not really say anything....

Inadvertently Buddhist

I think i'm inadvertently becoming slightly Buddhist...I really don't know if my personality is really just that chill, or if it's some combination of the fact that i handle things internally, take my time sharing. think. a lot. first. always.

I am more calm than i used to be though. This has a lot to do with the re-definition of drama that I spent a yr and a half learning (i am now, just weeks short of being six months out of that yr, well, sort of...5-6...there was a not so definable month in there somewhere...ok, there were lots of not so definable times in there...but as far as my mental state...it was much more made up by that last month before the moment that started the first month of the beginning of the end - have fun sorting that out...)


Buddhist wisdom:

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
If you want to be happy, practice compassion


We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts, we make our world.


Love yourself and be awake -
today, tomorrow, always.
First establish yourself in the way,
then teach others,
and so defeat sorrow.
To straighten the crooked
you must first do a harder thing -
straighten yourself.
You are the only master. Who else?
Subdue yourself,
and discover your master.


As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery.
We have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace.
The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as
anger and attachment, fear and suspicion,
while love and compassion, a sense of universal responsibility
are the sources of peace and happiness.


Pay no attention to the faults of others,
things done or left undone by others.
Consider only what by oneself is done or left undone.


Fools wait for a lucky day
but every day is a luck day
for an industrious man



Quote of the day:

"It will never happen, but just in case Annie, if I ever, ever, say anything even remotely close to 'i think i might want to get back together with M. someday' immediately check me into Bellevue's psych ward and don't let me back out til I come to my senses..."

lyrical advice

"Mama told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say.
And if you do this
It will help you some sunny day.
Take your time... don’t live too fast,
Troubles will come and they will pass.
Go find a woman and you’ll find love,
And don’t forget son,
There is someone up above.

And be a simple kind of man.
Be something you love and understand.
Be a simple kind of man.
Won’t you do this for me son,
If you can?

Forget your lust for the rich man’s gold
All that you need is in your soul,
And you can do this if you try.
All that I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.


Baby, don’t you worry... you’ll find yourself.
Follow you heart and nothing else.
And you can do this if you try.
All I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied."

exhale

I will write a thousand blogs today.
Mostly in my head.
It is as yet undertermined how many of those little inner blogs will end up here.



"I know you're sad even though you say that you're not
I know you're scared even though you say that you're not"



"I am not worried, I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions....'These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days,' she says....But it's not all that easy....She's talking in her sleep. It's keeping me awake and Anna begins to toss and turn. And every word is nonsense but I understand..."


"He started the day with a mood and a shake.
He was finally arranged.
And someone said with a cold, hard chest, "You're a mess!"
He woke up at nights.
He thought he was twice.
He was moving away
cause everyone thinks that it goes away with age....

...Don't ever think you're the only one
when times are tough in your new age.
You better be cool at the time."

"This is not the time to wonder why
Just let the heart and mind
Be still for just some time
This is the time for the rest
Just let it go
You know its for the best"


"even if things end up a bit too heavy,
we'll all float on"


"And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be....Whisper words of wisdom, let it be"