kindofmorecoherent

After a shower, food, and some down time in the park, my brain cells are mostly functioning again. Here are some random highlights of the night that have come back:

Talking to Hasan about how Dominque was brilliant enough to put all the cool kids in studio A and all asshole kids in B. About making illegal movies. About that night in Times Square. About understanding each other.

Talking to Ben about shooting my movie with him and Paul. About Paul being married in Jersey city now. About the possibility of cutting the footage Benny has from his 6 months in Africa and the story about him almost getting shot there. About lighting things in he and Hasan's room on fire sophomore yr.

"This could be heaven or this could be hell" with Holly and Erin, drunken girl bonding moment w/Holly, Erin, and Annie. "Holy shit we're fucked up" bonding moment with Erin.

Talking to Greg about missing his emails at work and their level of snarkiness. The freedom of being a temp.

Smoking out the window and giving cigarettes "only to Erin and Benny". "Feeding Chris cancer". Getting the scoop from Chris's friend Sonya (?) when Greg took a break from hitting on her to go to the bathroom and get more alcohol.

reminiscing about Hasan's hair.

Smelling Matt's homemade bracelet and discussing the possibility of a new fragrance - "Sharpie"

Drunkenly over analyzing with Matt and Annie.

The art of unsticking Jello shots.

Re-remembering the lucky cigarette trick and that it came from Ben.

Polaroids. Blinking. Laughing my ass off.

Conversations with everyone about what we're doing vs. what we want to be doing. 6-9 month plans. Connecting the dots.


I've only been coherently awake for 3hrs and I could so take a nap right now. That's probably bad...I should do some work instead. Connect some dots.

hell yeah

This morning – and by this morning I mean the last 20min or so…that’s how long I’ve been consistently awake and up – I had the revelation that I did not eat enough yesterday to then go on drink the amount that I drank last night. Haha. Bring on the Gatorade…


It was a kick ass night, as I posted on Annie’s myspace (ah myspace…) when I got home at 3am last night:

"there ain't no party like an annie carroll party"
your party so made my weekend...i'm so fucked up right now...haha....you're awesome...


The night kicked off in the most amazing way, with me and melis walking into Annie’s bedroom to find Hasan sitting there, I think my exact words were “no fucking shit!” (I tend to use expletives when I’m excited…I think it may be a genetic condition…) I was instantly swept up into a Hasan hug, and as he’s like 20 feet taller than me, I mean the swept up part literally. Annie, I don’t know how you kept this a secret for a whole week…you are now the new ultimate secret keeper. That was a fucking awesome surprise. Hasan will be back in NY at some point, in his words “I’m not done with NY”. And a potential job offer could make this happen sooner rather than later…this makes me very happy. I hope it happens.


Not only was Hasan there unexpectedly…so was Ben. Who I haven’t seen since graduation and who is one of my favorite people. Getting high, playing Jenga, watching Benny eat cards (always finding the one I picked), and discussing everything from philosophy to bill cosby down in Benny and Hasan’s room were some of my favorite sophomore year moments. It was great to see everyone, actually everyone, in the same place for the first time in too long.

There were so many quotes of the night but there sadly is no way in hell I’m going to remember them now. All I know is that I really feel like listening to “Hotel California” and I think that has something to do with Erin and Holly….Maybe some will come back as my brain cells start functioning again…

(Annie, those were the strongest jello shots ever…damn….)

Jay Leno

is a middleaged frat boy with a microphone. I've never liked him. And I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks so.

Jeff Whitty's open letter to Jay

I love Jeff Whitty, and I love Avenue Q (he's one of the writers). How can you not like a play that has song titles like "Everyone's a little bit racist", "Schadenfreude", and "I'm not wearing underwear today".

If you haven't seen it, you should. And then go see Rent, just to keep the "i'm young, broke and living in the village trying to figure out my life and get somewhere" vibe going. And also b/c I have an unhealthy obsession with that show that I like to share.

Quote of the day (from yesterday):

My boss: Vibrators don't talk back.
Me and Annie: Hahaha
My boss: It just sucks when the batteries die.
Me: Is that what all those triple A's on your desk yesterday were for?
My boss: No! I take the big double D batteries! Haha.


I'll bet she does....

fuck my landlord

ok...the shower was sort of better today...but

it's still a million fucking degrees in my living room and it's really not ok. i'm basically sitting here half naked b/c i've run out of other heat-lessening things to do...


i hate my fucking landlord. she's a bitch. and calling her does nothing, except inspire her to leave attitude filled messages on my cell phone, and as we're shooting this week and everyone at work is stressed and grouchy (and i think we're all pmsing at the same fucking time or something, too much estrogen...for sure) i'm dealing with enough attitudes right now.

i'll call the bitch, again, next week. and pretend i live on some glorious tropical island until then....

There's Money In T-Shirts

...says Rhiannon....

Who I have the best conversations with when she's overtired. I haven't laughed this hard since our "constructive criticism" of the newscasters (and awful camera placement) of the "harrowing" live coverage of the stuck Roselvelt Island trolleys last week. (i think it was last week...it was all so "harrowing" I've blocked it out).

Her newest idea (all in the pursuit of getting me a million dollars) is for us to sell industry specific T-shirts, and possibly stickers. Yes, that's right stickers. That's gonna be my new venture, the internet sticker boom. Apparently some woman on the last season of the Apprentice makes a million dollars a year selling stickers on the internet...that makes me question what kind of images exactly are on those stickers...but that's probably another blog entirely...

Our venture would go something like this:

EXT - SET OF LAW AND ORDER SVU - DAY
Hearts full of excitement and fists full of $50 bills, the crew gathers around Rhiannon and I, examining the dazzling sticker array displayed on the inside flaps of our stylish trenchcoats. Bills and stickers fly, as we work our mad networking skillz.

US: Hello Mr. Producer guy, not only do we sell stickers, we also shoot and cut and write and direct.

PRODUCER GUY: Really? That's wonderful.

US: Here's a copy of each of our reels.

He takes the reels, purchases a set of stickers and pre-orders a shirt that says "Executive Producer" on the front and "I make 6 figures to play computer solitaire all day" on the back.

PRODUCER GUY: Are you working on anything now?

US: Yes, actually. Two narratives, one about life after college (Rhi) and a lesbian film noir (Me) and a doc.

PRODUCER GUY: Those sound great. Do you need financial support and maybe some help with distribution?

US: That'd be great.

PRODUCER GUY: Here's my card, with my direct line on the back. Let's do lunch.




Seriously Rhi, I'm glad you're my friend and my business partner. I couldn't do this with anyone else. Not many other people are as crazy as I am when it comes to coming up with entirely random ideas. Some of which actually end up working sometimes, ha. I love that we're both working on like 12 separate projects at the same time right now. And you are very very right when you say that if it was any other way, we'd be bored. I need to be juggling to be stimulated and therefore happy.

Some of this shit has to pan out at some point right?

Some day. Until then, look out for our t-shirts and stickers....coming to a set near you....

procrastination

To avoid finishing the puppet workshop demo I need to finish cutting right now (yes, that's right, puppet workshop demo, ha) I'm writing another blog.

Quotes of the day:

"What happens at the lunch table, stays at the lunch table"
-Annie


Rhi: if you don't ask, you never have a chance of getting what you want
Me: very true
Me: i want a million dollars, who do i ask about that?
Rhi: ha


melis: it's a cranky day


yes, yes it is.

i should probably just go try to sleep....

really?

Is it really only 11:45? Why do I feel like I've worked a whole day already? Maybe b/c I was actually on time this morning. For the first time in weeks. And have been ridiculously productive since the second I walked through the door until now. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I pretty much worked through the whole weekend, here and at home (with the exception of a rain soaked trip to bed bath and beyond, an episode of Law and Order, and a 4 part, approximately 3hr, emotional conversation with my mother about my sexuality, my family and my insecurities...fun).

At least the rain this morning stopped the construction man from banging around on my fire escape again. He tried. He started. And then the rain started. And then I fell back to sleep. For 20min til my alarm went off. I think I ended up with about 4hrs of actual sleeping time. But my 2:30am a.i.m. conversation with long lost Florence roommate #2 was worth it. It was reminiscent of conversations we've had before, and all we needed was to be sitting at the same table, with cards and a bottle of wine between us.

I'm looking forward to May, everyone's coming back (even if just for a little while) in May. And I have 5 days in a row off from work in May. And I should probably be doing work right now, and not using this rambling blog to distract me. I'm just waiting for my tongue to not be numb anymore. That's what happens when you chew up "adult" motrin - which tastes not so good - with goldfish crackers. It does to your tongue what it will eventually go on to do to whatever part of your body hurts.

Maybe I'll go smoke again. While I wait for the segment producers to remember they have to give me their tapes and time codes to make the clip reels for the studio roll ins this week. Maybe I'll email them. Again. And then go smoke.

lack of internal cooperation

I wish I was as tired as I should be right now.

I wish my living room wasn't a million fucking degrees b/c I have no control over the heat and no cross breeze.

I wish I had more control. Of my head (among other things). And could turn it off when I wanted it to stop. Shut it down like my mac, for the night.

Last night, somewhere in the throes of half-non-sleep, around 2am I think, I did come up with some good plot points that have been missing from my script. Broken bottle of Makers (it has to be Makers) and fingerprints. And timing. And pictures.

It's funny how when I read it back, those last 3 sentences are like a little symbolic image of a phase of my life and how I didn't do that on purpose. Huh.

When I'm in one of these cycles, I think better at night. I want to work, to cut and write and think, at night. But as I'm still stuck living in the 9-5 world (a schedule that's never suited me, the same way that going to the same place to do the same job for months on end has never suited my personality - I've always had a very love/hate relationship with change, but I dream of a more freelance lifestyle, where projects and places to work on them change every few months, and ideally, one of those places to work is a part of the space I live in, and some of those projects are mine...but I digress...) this really isn't an option right now. I wish someone would tell my fired up brain synapses that.

It's funny how the things you try to avoid follow you. I wonder if I'll have to deal with these 3 (4? more?) things soon. I wonder if their intrusion into my thoughts will cease when I do. I know that it will work with one. But not so much with the others. No, those will just change and grow into new versions of themselves. Become more or less manageable. And that's ok, sort of, b/c some things are worth thinking about, even if you'd rather not.

It's funny how some things need to be dealt with head on. And how others can only be dealt with by not focusing on them too much. Some things carry a delicate line, that maybe has a lot to do with timing. Denial is a very popular game in my family, and one I don't want to play. I've seen where it leads and it's not where I want to end up. 80-something, addicted to being doped up out of my mind, and miserable. Relying on people, who's once-love turned to mixed sadness and resentment as you slipped farther and farther away, with a granddaughter who cringes at the sound of your voice on the phone, and who used to hide behind the couch with her cousin as kids when you were phoned on Christmas Eve(s). But oddly, at the same time, is grateful to you for being her reminder.

It is important to be who you are, and go after what you want, no matter how scary or difficult it is, what(who)ever tries to stand in your way. This is advice I need to be less afraid to take in certain areas of my own life.

And right now I'm wondering how this written out wandering train of thought started where it started and traveled to where it's gone. And I'm not drunk, or high, or anything. Just awake when I know I really need to not be.

random day

I hate when I go through these insomnia cycles, they render my brain completely useless after 4:00. It also didn't help that I was woken up at 7am this morning (a whole hour and a half before I even had to pretend to start waking up) by loud banging on my fire escape. I was too tired for it to scare the crap out of me like it would have any other time...I was just confused...and then I remembered that they're doing construction on my building, and apparently 7am was when they decided to scrape and bang the old paint off my fire escape, on the step directly outside my bedroom window actually, with a large metal object. fun.

Madison, my bosses 3yr old, and one of the cutest little kids in the world, came into work today. It's funny how little kids are like a more honest version of adults. Maddy came in all socially awkward and shy (her 7 yr old sister was the same way last week), and an hour later she's my best friend and doesn't want to go get lunch w/her mom b/c she's hanging out w/me. Jen and I took a 15min break to color with her. I forgot how calming coloring is. It's like kiddie meditation. I'm so buying everyone I know a coloring book and telling them to take a 15min coloring break everyday, seriously, it'll totally change your mood. It was nice to be in a 3yr old mentality for just a few minutes. Maddy's hardest decision today was what crayon to pick and her biggest challenge is learning how to tie the new pink and white sketchers she got today. I'm jealous.

I decided I need a more formidable office nemesis. After I gleefully sent a patronizingly over detailed email about the tapes I made for her, laced with a few sarcastic comments at the end, I felt much better about her today. The email had my boss maliciously cracking up when she read it (it's all about CC'ing), but my nemesis’s response was well below satisfactory. She's just an annoying whiny bitch, and that's no fun at all. At least Lisa's nemesi (half the office) will spar with her a little. I need a new one. Annie's girl has potential...she's just downright bitchy...

Quote of the day:

there was a quote of the day, and it was funny too...but i don't remember it anymore...like i said, these phases of insomnia i go through render my brain totally useless from like 4-10pm. the anonymous person who said the quote knows who they are and what it is, so email it to me ok? thanks ;)

lol

my favorite thing of the day:

President Bush Gets A Myspace Profile

I knew it!

the inevitable has happened. and melis, it's all your fault. ha.


ah myspace.

L.I. update

more words of wisdom from melissa and i's favorite long island girl....

"lay off my kool aid mofo" i.e.: her boyfriend


yeah...i think that may be my new favorite phrase...i wonder how many sentences i can work it into tomorrow at work...


thanks for the email melis and thanks ______ for keeping me amused and reminding me why i'm glad i haven't lived back home since my sophmore year of college.

yesterday

i've been trying to figure out how to translate me and melis's conversation yesterday into an amusing blog. i'm not sure if it'll ever work tho. it might be just us. there's probably too much history and explanation required, and you'd probably have to know the people we were talking about. this would make the blog only amusing to like 3 of the people who look at it (myself included).

here are a few quotes of the day that might translate tho:


Re: a girl from h.s.'s myspace page (of course it's myspace related)

Melis: Where is it?
Me: On the left, under all that sparkly shit.
Melis: That doesn't help, everything is sparkly. God, she has so much shit on her page it's going to give me a fucking seizure.


Re: the same girl's page and the fact that she lists her longest realtionship as 8yrs

Melis: wait...is she really trying to count it back that far? Were they actually even together for most of that?
Me: that would make her...16 and no, they were barely together for most of that.
Melis: 15, her birthday is two weeks after that date.
Me: funny that that's around the same time he was fucking *** behind her back.
Melis: OMG, one of her favorite books is "He's Just Not That Into You"
Me: HAHAHA and they're talking about getting engaged! Maybe she should've read that book a few more times....


Re: random (fucking random) high school kids finding me on myspace

Me: I still have no idea how ___ found me. It's only a matter of time before __ (the girl actually, that we were reffering to earlier) does. Really though, I'm not friends w/any of the other people on her friend list.
Melis: Umm Jackie?
Me: No...but Jackie is on your list...it's all through you! They all find me through you!
Melis: It's funny that I have more of them than you do.
Me: And you didn't even go to high school there.
Melis: Maybe that's why I have more of them than you do, haha.
Me: Ha, yeah, you aren't as jaded from having to spend that extra 4 years with them.

my office nemesis

doesn't even really work in the office. she comes in on occasion to screen tapes and do whatever the hell it is she does (which considering annie's many complaints that she's doing her job for her, i presume isn't much). she has the most annoying personality, voice, demeanor EVER. and if she sends me one more email today....

i ignored the first 3 of her emails today. this was not being irresponsible as it may seem, b/c i was actually in the middle of responding to #2 when my boss told me not to. she is also not her biggest fan. when #5 came, i told Lisa i had to respond, just to make her go away. i love finding that fine line of of "professionally" telling someone to fuck off, with short, thinly veiled irritation via email. so far (15min or so) it's working.

maybe i can sic Rosie O'Donnell on her too...

Send Rosie

Yesterday, I read this really amusing quote from (of all people) Rosie O'Donnell, in reference to Naomi Campbell:
"I think for all the people that she's beaten up, I think she needs a big 200 pound lesbian to kick her ass."

I love how Rosie has grown from the koosh ball flinging, Tom Cruise gushing, 'i'm gonna pretend i'm not gay even though it's blatantly obvious that i'm a huge dyke', family friendly talk show host, into that inner huge dyke. I love it. And I'd pay to see her kick Naomi Campbell's ass. When she's done with her, she can throw those 200 pounds the Popes way:

hypocritical bastards

here are a few quotes in case u don't feel like actually reading the whole article (which is titled "Pope Uses Easter to Attack Gay Families"):
"the world is in the grip of a diabolical pride aimed at eliminating the family"

"Today a slick campaign of propaganda is spreading an inane apologia of evil, a senseless cult of Satan, a mindless desire for transgression, a dishonest and frivolous freedom, exalting impulsiveness, immorality and selfishness as if they were new heights of sophistication."


Here is Matt and I's conversation RE:the article:

Me: i hope one of those huge expensive decorative crosses in the Vatican falls on him and squishes him like a bug
Matty: how bout a nice impaling
Me: that'd be good too
Matty: he's like some old man on the subway sermonizing..i really couldn;t care less
Me: yeah, but lots of other idiots listen to him
Matty: or pretend to

Which, makes my other point. The Pope also speaks against masturbation, sex before marriage, adultery, birth control...but you don't see people freaking out about that, or even really paying attention to any of it. But they get all riled up when ever something gay comes up. Hypocrites.

crashing

I love how during the week, my body/brain seems to reach it's peak around 11:00am. Then it's a slow process of crashing and rebuilding, reaching it's second peak around 11:00pm, then I'm wide awake for another 4 hrs or so, sleep for 5 or 6 and start all over again...just waiting for the weekend.

My stupid Avid seems to be following the same pattern. Crashing when I need it not to. So later I get to reinstall the program and hope that fixes what ever the issue is. I've run out of other options to test out. This needs to work.

I wonder how I reinstall my internal clock?

j.i.d.

in an effort to show respect to my friends who are more religious than i am, i'm leaving the title of this post in code. those of you who i know i can get away with being innapropriate with, already know what they stand for. i'm sorry, but i'm very amused. if the hell i don't believe in actually does exist, i've already racked up enough reasons to burn there, this is the tip of the iceberg.

this also amused me, it's a myspace bullitin that i and some of my friends got today:

"Subject: GOD
Body: Body: respost this in 5 mins If you Truly Love GOD.
and a miracle will happen tonight at 12.

P.S. dont ignore.


u never know when God is testing"


riiiiiiiight. b/c god is watching myspace....

it's all very big brother (Orwell, not the reality show).


i am amused.

"Pull me out from inside"

"I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding
I am...."

I love how old songs are always new.

I've felt a little fragmented lately. Not as in I personally as a person feel fragmented, no I'm done with that phase, thank god. Just my mood has been. And I haven't been able to put my finger on why.

I drifted in and out of sleep last night, trying to think about what exactly it is I've been (or not been) thinking about, with random Counting Crows lyrics floating in and out ever so appropriately. Somewhere around the end of the cd, i fell asleep for good, and with that went whatever pieces of thoughts I had about what to write here today.

Reconstruction.

I've been thinking about walls. And how they quietly crumble.
And how they don't.

It can be disarming to realize that someone has effortlessly made their way past most of your walls. The ease with which you let them slide through the top and middle layers somehow makes it harder, scarier, to lower the gate to that last, inner most layer. There are places there that no one from the outside has ever found before.
Heavily guarded.
I'm not sure why, it's just always been that way. I'm trying tho. It's the naturalness, the effortlessness, that makes it scary.

"I am folded and unfolded and unfolding..."

Patterns.
It's strange the patterns we grow used to. I'm so used to feeling happy while waiting for the ground to drop out from under me that I don't know what to do with this feeling of non-threatening happiness (addicted to happiness huh melis?) that i feel now.
Feeling comfortable makes me uncomfortable.
I am in no position at all to complain about my childhood. And I'm not about to. But I realized recently that this pattern goes back as far as I can remember - Perfect blissful happiness forever on the brink of destruction. I think in fact the over done perfectness of it was to make up for the underlying instability of the foundation. And as an adult I went on to put myself in situations that would repeat this pattern, but never before in any seriously unhealthy way. It then took a seriously unhealthy and incredibly damaging situation to wake me up. I always wondered if love was too precarious a point to build a lasting foundation on. But I've seen examples to the contrary. Even my own original example is beginning to surprise me and prove me wrong. There really are no absolutes I guess. After spending the last 24 years proving myself right, I’m a little afraid to prove myself wrong.

"Taffy stuck and tounge tied
Stutter shook and uptight…”


I’ve always been internally over dramatic. Over thinking and over analyzing. This is a habit I am still learning to curb. Building layers and veiled meanings when I’m feeling pensively sensitive, as if my life is something written by Albee or O’Neil. I comfortably create cryptic analogies in reality while I struggle with them in my scripts. I need to learn how to reverse this.

This is all far too personal, and had I had therapy this week, it all would have worked itself out there. But instead it’s finding it’s outlet here.


“pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am fine”

“Sometimes I wake up, and I’m falling asleep,
And I think that maybe the curtains are closing on me,
But I wake up,
Yes I wake up,
Smiling.
Sometimes I feel that the chance is surprising,
Surprisingly good to be moving around,
So I wake up,
Yes I wake up,
Smiling.
So what? I feel fine,
I’m ok, I’ve seen the lighter side of life,
I’m alright, I feel good,
So I’ll do, I’ll try to stop moving,
Sometimes I wake up, and I’m falling asleep,
And I’ve got to get going so much that I wanted to do,
Yes I wake up,
Smiling…
...No more keeping my feet on the ground.”

?

Sometimes my skin feels as though it's made of steel or leather, sometimes it's like a sponge - though I'd rarely ever show it.

I'm not sure why/how/when exactly it fluxuates.

I'm not even sure why I'm even thinking it right now.

It may have something to do with transitions. But again, I'm not sure why I'm even thinking that right now.


Maybe I need to stop trying to juggle so much. Maybe I'm just done waiting for some things to change. Maybe I just need a vacation...more money...a nap....

"been thinkin' a lot today" I'm glad I just caved in and re-bought Ben Folds Live. I missed it. I also got the Inferno, and another book of Vonnegut's shorts that I haven't read yet.


Maybe I just need to get back to work on my website now.

parts

commiserate


the london memories are all hers. but i feel what she's talking about. Hence the comment. which deserves/needs a blog of it's own. as do a lot of things.


i think my head is overloaded from not having therapy this week. weird.


p.s. i love when i make your away message melis...i feel so cool...lol

"If the net's a rockin' don't come a-knockin'!"

--Courtney, re: LOST

Plethora

is one of my favorite words.


Dictionary.com:

pleth·o·ra P Pronunciation Key (plthr-)
n.
A superabundance; an excess.
An excess of blood in the circulatory system or in one organ or area


There's a plethora of thoughts in my head. About a plethora of topics.

But I'm still really not in the mood to write a real blog.

They're in Rome on "Amazing Race". I was in Rome. Weird to watch them run around streets I ran around on, in a country that wasn't home, but came to feel like it, very very quickly. I need to find my way back.


Voglio andare qui (ancora)

Amalfi

Hickey Watch 2006

The bite is healing nicely, and today it's getting it's first taste of freedom as I'm not wearing anything over my neck. It's too nice out. Can't do it. And with the help of a little cover up and my hair, all is well. While I have a lot that I've wanted to write about, I haven't actually felt like writing it. Maybe I will later on. When I'm not at work. In the meantime, you should read something that's more important than anything I have to say here. Like this:


our gov't is fucked up

our gov't is fucked up II

"It looks like I fucked a vampire"

Were the first words out of my mouth on the phone w/Melis this morning as I left my gf's apartment and headed to the subway. Who knew that my neck bruised so easily? I'm amused. And trying to figure out how to make it go away by work tomorrow. These are the tips I've found so far:

http://www.ehow.com/how_3556_rid-hickey.html


Someone once told me something about peanut butter...but I don't see myself taking that route...


It's too nice out to be at work today. So I'm not. In 9 months of working freelance for my company, I've never once backed out of my extra weekend hours once I've commited to them, but the work I have to do this weekend isn't all that important, I won't be holding anyone up by staying late and doing it some other time this week. So that's what I'm doing.

Spending the day shopping with Melis and the night editing Rhi and I's new reel is a much better plan. Why ruin what's already been a great weekend so far?



p.s. Melis's quotes of the day re:the hickey

After an extensive bout of body doubling laughter
"Oh my god! What were you guys doing? It looks like she put a leach on your neck. You have to get her back".

Yes, yes I do. hehe.

p.p.s.

me: "I'm kinda tired"
melis: "she sucked a lot out of you. hahaha"

hehe

Perfect Rainy Saturday

Woke up to hear the rain pattering outside and some how knew I'd be putting off work until tomorrow as I snuggled in closer to my girl. Spent the day entangled on my couch watching (and not so much watching) Hitchcock movies, with a breakfast-at-the-diner-break in between, feeling old walls crumble at odd moments (mine was at the diner) Perfect, perfect way to spend at rain saturday. (i didn't mean to make that rhyme....)


"i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like,, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big Love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new"
-e.e. cummings

office bday part 2

A few highlights from my office bday card:

"You have my permission to leave early even though today isn't really your birthday"
-Khari (too bad he actually has no authority to let me leave early)

"Have a drink...or 5 for me!! (hee-hee)"
-Lauren

"Oh Courtney, could ya make some DVDs for...let's see...hmm - oh no it's your birthday! enjoy!"
-Cathy

"We would all be helpless idiots with out you. This is not an exageration. Have an amazing day!"
-Tina (that one, I think may be my favorite...)

This is what, blog 2 or 3 of today? I think I should just go home now...

Sex Marathon

The topic of lunch conversation for the past 3 days in a row has been sex. This amuses me. What amuses me even more, is that we've each inadvertently taken turns being at the center of the conversation, each had our day.


Quotes of the day:

Me: "If i'm a slut..."
Matty: "...she's a hoebag"


Me: "It's nice to hook up with someone who's actually....hot"


Matty: "The purse is your pussy. She stole your pussy!"
(in reference to a dream I had about my ex stealing my purse...i should prob get a second opinion on that from my therapist, although matt's point about layers of compartments was well made...)


I love lunch. It's the reason I actually get up and come to work everyday.

"You thought you escaped"

Yes, yes I did. But when Matt and I came up from our 11:00 cig break, I found Lisa and I's office filled with the entire 9th floor staff and Annie (our honorary 9th floor member...) who shouted Happy Birthday at me, and then commenced to sing. Blew out the candle on the little cake, read the card (stopping to let Annie actually sign it since being on the 8th floor she missed the rounds). Lisa laughing at me while we're cutting up the cake, "you thought you escaped didn't you? hahaha". I have very tricky co-workers. And friends for that matter...you guys (esp you Matt) knew that I thought I got out of it...yeah, thanks a lot for the heads up guys....

Tricky.

Bitch Stole My Trick

N.G. the co-worker everyone loves to hate, and Annie's official office nemesis, has stolen my Fed Ex trick and Matt and I just caught her red handed, strolling out the door at 5:00, looking a bit sheepish when she sees us waiting on the other side of the elevator doors. She however, is trying to pull it off a full 20minutes before she should be. An obvious novice mistake.

French Kids Have Cool Pants

Didn't even leave my house this morning until 9:20 after spending an hour impudently hitting the snooze button knowing full well how late I was. Sleep always wins in the end...but if I hadn't slept so late I wouldn't have shared a train with about 30 French kids who all had the coolest clothes ever. Being surrounded by people speaking a language I don't understand while wearing awesome pants made me nostalgic for Europe. They had the coolest Pumas in Switzerland....I'd so rather be on that hill on La Pietra, with Al and Bryce, drinking latte's from the cafe/snack place on campus and chain smoking, talking about Michelangelo (Bryce's obsession), playing the movie game, and hiding from the professor who's class I was supposed to be in, going home to nap and drink 2.50 euro bottles of wine from the corner store, not paying for the bus into the center of the city, keeping a lookout for the tkt checker people, ready to jump out the back or play the "i'm not from here, i didn't know i had to validate it" game, wandering through the San Lorenzo market, cracking incredibly inappropriate jokes about baby Jesus with Al on museum trips, smoking everywhere...ahh...oh well, some day...

I have a backlog of quotes of the day, which I will now try to remember...sadly, most of them are probably lost in my overfilled head...i need to start carrying a pad, or a tape recorder or something...umm, ok, here we go:

matty on relationship advice for annie -
Matty: "He can't fuck and he got pudgy!"

during the in-depth conversation about the pros and cons (ha, cons...get it annie?) of annie's former (and semi-former) lovers -
Annie: "Shutes was a sharp shooter"
(or something like that, whatever, it was really funny)


Sabrina: "I'm a hands on learner. Especially when my hands are on you."


An undisclosed co-worker after taking some sort of nasal spray anti-histamines: "Ugh, the drip tastes like doing coke all over again"


Melis: "Iris and I were talking about how I don't like the word boob."
Me: "Um..ok."
Melis: "Well, I like tit better"
Me: "Of course you like the more vulgar sounding one better, that makes sense."
Melis: "No, it's what they say in London"
Me: "So the Brits saying it with accents somehow makes it classier than boob?"
Melis: "Exactly"


After our hair keeps getting in the way at inopportune moments -
Sabrina: "I wonder if this is why lesbians have short hair"


that's all i got. there were a lot more. but now they're just fragments of memories of laughter.
it's almost lunch time tho, where new quotes of the day will be born.

i've had the desire to be home, high, all morning. my girlfriend is picking up where matt left off and turning me into a pot head. hehe. it's fun.

;)

excellent

just what i want to hear


I'll attempt to write a real blog later...if the day doesn't get too crazy....in the meantime, I'm taking suggestions as to how I can talk my way into leaving work early today, so i can go home and take a nap and finish burning wedding dvds (and label and package them, and mail them, and smooth out the sound on the other wedding, and build that dvd, and work on my web page and yeah.....)

This fucking dvd..

..has become the bane of my existence...

thank god we signed our biggest contract yet today (fucking finally)...i just keep repeating the words "freelance fund" over and over again to myself in my head...i should have gotten that tattooed somewhere....

Lucky

"525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?"


I am very very lucky. My life is filled with truly amazing people. And I had an amazing birthday weekend.

Having pre-party dinner with Matty and Laurs felt like old times. Got to catch up with people I don't see enough while downing way too strong jello shots (yeah..I need to work on that...). I love watching all the people from all the different areas of my life mix over pot, alcohol and connect four. I love when the people I love get to know and appreciate each other.

Awoke this morning to find new old words in my ear and on my lips. They fit, belong there better now than they did before. It's a little intense and amazing all at the same time. It feels surprisingly natural. And I think that for the first time, I finally will be able to just let go.

I don't know if it was the wine at dinner, spending time with my family, or the words written in my parents birthday card, but I'm feeling emotional right now. Emotional and peaceful at the same time. A new, interesting combination. I teared up making my birthday wish, in the pause I took before blowing out my candle. My mom, of course, is the one who noticed, smiled at me and said, "you look so serious". I said that it was an important wish. She said, "I know". And the weight in those words, knowing she read into the complexities of what was in my heart as I drew that deep breath, knowing that she knows everything that was in that wish, even though it's not something I could even describe in words myself, made a few of those tears fall, prompting my Gram to tear up along with me and tell me I'd better not start crying or she'd start too. And looking at her, I could see that she too had a certain understanding of what went into the release of that breath. Not the same way, not in those indefinable details that my mom instinctually knows, but in the sense that she remembers what it was to be my age, to be on the brink of so many new beginnings, filled with so many hopes and dreams, with the all the possibilities of life still spread out before me. She was remembering, and wishing for my wishes with me and for me.

I truly am surrounded by the most amazing people.


At one point, this was my birthday song:

"Everybody knows
It hurts to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We're still fighting it"


But now, this is my birthday song, and the one I'm listening to on repeat right now:

"i think that i'm happy, i think that i'm blessed

i've got a lack of inhibition
i've got a loss of perspective
i've had a little bit to drink
and it's making me think
that i can jump ship and swim
that the ocean will hold me
that there's got to be more
than this boat i'm in

'cuz they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound
i'm just going to get my feet wet
until i drown"

It was an incredibly long december, but this year already is, and will continue to be, better than the last...

24 hrs and 10 minutes...

...til the time I was born, lifted out of my mom's stomach, full head of hair, sucking my thumb. It's weird to think back on who you were, who you are, who you've become, who you've always been, how you got there and where you're going. Who's come and gone along the way, who's stayed, and how and why. What you've learned, what you're realized you still need to learn. Growing, changing, holding on to some things, and leaving what you don't need anymore behind, always trying to maintain that delicate balance.

Change is the only constant and that is something I took a long time to accept. But now I realize the freedom in that. And that I have more control over that change than I thought I did.

Things are good. I'm looking forward to the changes in my future.