i don't feel like packing

so....i'm kinda sorta half packing...and...re-watching the Lost finale....haha.

and, big news of the day: phase 1 was (sort of) sucessful. implementing phase 2 may be trickier than i originally thought...phase 1 may have to last longer than expected...

ooo and locke just saw walt at the top of the mass grave and i just got the chills, all over again. i love this show. (although i'm not seeing the shadow that ppl said they saw in that scene that could have been the smoke monster before it turned into walt...hmm) i think it's ben in the coffin. at least i really want it to be.

"jack if you say live together die alone one more time i'm going to punch you" haha.

i'm going to miss lost for the next 7 months or however long it is. no kate, for seven months...sigh.

i don't want to pack, i want to make out. boo.

monday monday

Implemented phase one of melis and I's plan to get invited to what to us, will be the wedding of the century in terms of gossip currency. If phase one goes as planned, the small piece of my soul I'll have to sacrifice to carry out phase two will be worth it if it results in an invte in a few months (oh the things I do for you melis, THIS little stunt is the definition of true friendship, and, if it works, you'll so owe me). Is it wrong to want to fanegle your way into someone's wedding just for the pure spectical of it? hmm, silly morality. we'll still buy them a gift and all that....

Took stab number five million and twenty seven at the movie in my head after a stint of post modern thinking with a metric soundtrack in the park. I wish i could figure out how to get it out of my head and onto paper...it's all there, in these little pieces, these moments, gestures, frames, but the dialouge that needs to connect those moments, is well, tricky. sigh. i want to make a movie. i want that piece of myself back. this last month has been interesting for me, i've started to feel more like myself than i have in a while, closer to getting what i want, but, knowing that a lot of it is still out of reach...been fun and frustrating all at the same time. these last few months in general have been a delicate balance of reaching, grazing my fingertips across the surface of what i desire, but not being able to fully grasp it. some days it's right there, others, it's light years away....i am learning a lot about patience. for better or worse...although my therapist claims it's for the better, i'm taking her word on it for now.

new favorite songs: terra naomi "up here" and "say it's possible"

4 years...

....is a long time....i need to do something about that....i need to do something about a lot of things....

scary

horoscope:

"A current situation demands your attention, but you might think that it will solve itself if you just do nothing. The truth is that you can make serious progress if you take initiative instead. If you don't, you might have to clean up a real mess in a few days. With the Moon in your sign, this is the right time to process feelings and let go of the past. Don't carry what isn't needed into the future."


it freaks me out when these things are so dead on.

sometimes

i can't find the words.


which, is annoying.

friday

random thought of the day: it's weird to watch a pregnant woman grind with other pregnant women

(ellen. it was on ellen. her whole audience is preggers and this one woman danced all around with the other women at the begining and um yeah, it made me feel weird, she's gettin' all down and all rubbing her giant belly, agaisnt other giant bellies...weird...)


other than that, i don't really know what i think about anything else today. i'm processing. which, is apparently what my horoscope wants me to do:

"Your mind may be turning cartwheels, trying to figure out what has changed. Unfortunately, your overactive thinking might not take you anywhere productive unless you slow down your reaction time. For the next couple of weeks, remember to think about what you are about to say before saying anything. You can be taken more seriously if you talk less."

....which is how i generally operate anyway.

tuesday, i think

Overwhelmed with work and life in general. I have this problem where I try to do too many things at once and i pause to take a breath and all of a sudden I find myself in the middle of a whirlwind. But being freelance - i.e. unsure of when the next project/paycheck will come around again - won't let me say no. So I will juggle ten million projects at once, hrs and hrs of footage downloaded into my internal memory, which, like that of my drives, is overflowing to the point of crashing...go to work in the abandoned financial distric in the middle of the night and come home to exports that didn't work. 3 steps forward 2 steps back. Seems to be a recurring theme these weeks. And I'm growing acutely aware of what my time is worth.

quote of the day

Rhi: I'm not santa.

drunk blogging

Is dangerous.

But it’s been forever since I actually wrote a blog, as my friends are so kind to remind me so…mix alchohol and emotion and here we go….


1) alcohol. Annie, I love your jello shots, they’re like a happy little sneak attack. One minute I’m sipping my margarita mix in your apartment, the next I’m on the roof, smoking, and suddenly drunk…they’re amazing….kudos on the dip stuff too…I wanted to grab it and run away.

2) rooftops. I love rooftops. Always wanted to hook up on one, haven’t gotten around to that yet, one of three places on the top of my list, I have a feeling it will superceed the pool, which would be a good thing bc anything that wipes my crazy pshyco ex a bit more from my memory the better…

ok, so there’s the alcohol, now here’s the emotion:

see, I was tempted to write a blog so many times this week. Often while I was falling asleep, all these thoughts, that I couldn’t sort out during the day would well up in my head at night and leave me tossing and turning until sleep finally overtook me. And I still can’t sort them all out, all the thoughts. And I don’t think here is the place to. Maybe in my therapists office, or in conversation. But, a random (drunk) train of thought lately:

self preservation. And the varied ways it manifests itself in myself and (more interestingly, bc, well, I’ve known myself for 25 yrs now) in others. And, what exactly, to do with that.

Walls. What makes them go up and down. When I raise the drawbridge, when I don’t want anyone or anything sliding through these slippery folds I’ve spent my life growing, and why. And why…..?

Want. What I want. In all different areas of my life. Catching myself think about things I’d rather not (see “self preservation” above). In so many ways, I’m slowly getting closer to what I want, and in so many ways I’m getting farther away. It changes. It grows as I grow. And sometimes, I can’t keep up with myself. And sometimes, no one else can either.

Cause and effect. Intertwining circles.

Fear and insecuritiy.


Unfinished sentences and unanswered questions.

Cynisism. I used to be so much more cynical and I miss it sometimes. I’ve become a hopeless idealist. It’s depressing. At least when I was cynical I never set myself up to be let down. I’m not sure when or how this change took place. It makes no sense. But now, I search for something to believe in, and I have hope and desire for a future I never had before. I am so fucked.

I am so drunk.

And there are so many things I’m looking for.