excited

Today is moving along nicely, listening to Kanye at the office, taking care of a few more things, going home early, and then seeing Sandra Bernhardt with my girlfriend (another kick ass bday present). Perfect way to start the weekend. It's beautiful outside and I'm in a very good mood. I'm excited about the future again...the total opposite of where I was this time last year.

This guy seems pretty happy too:

clickme

Ok...I don't know if it was just the monitor we were looking at it on or what....but it took Matt and I like 15 minutes to sort out the composition of the elements in this picture....can you see it right away, or was it just us?

Itchy

There have been so many things to blog about the past few days...one of the funniest lunch conversations ever, an email i anticipated and didn't want, lots of storytelling, the ever fascinating healing process of my now itchy tattoo....but every time i went to write something, i started reading old posts instead. It's a strange, mini journey through time. Tracing my personal growth through sad/angry song quotes, tales of re-arranging my apartment, nights working and many drunken weekends with friends. Following the path of my sadness/anger/renewal through analogies about the ocean and mail, watching myself forget, remember, re-learn, move on. Smiling at the start of subtle flirtation, first buried in song lyrics and then more overt, finding happiness in myself and then in new beginnings.

Sifting through the shedding of emotional layers while watching the layers of skin around my new tattoo shed and settle. That's what I've done this week instead of writing. It's a good week to look back before looking forward. I get reflective, pensive, around my birthday. At least I don't get really depressed anymore tho...ha.

My birthday brings us to the email I anticipated and didn't want. Still, one email, with the excuse of an occasion behind it , after 3 weeks of peaceful silence, isn't bad. Well meant or facetious, I really don't care. I hope it's the last.

I'm getting very excited about the weekend. And I'm even more excited about the prospect of it starting sooner than I expected. My boss called this morning to tell me she wasn't coming in today, wished me a happy birthday and told me to leave as soon as it was comfortably possible for me to do so. That, is an excellent b-day present. I think I can make it comfortably possible for me to leave around the 2-3 range...hmm....

Speaking of excellent birthday presents - Annie you're awesome for actually coming over and washing my dishes for me last night. If I still don't have a dishwasher next year, I'd like to put in my request for the same present now.


I so so wish I could remember the Marilyn Manson conversation from lunch the other day...I've been trying to piece it back together in my head all week...Matt, Annie, help....

i should be doing something productive

but i don't feel like it. so my blog is offering a pleasant alternative for now. got drinks with an old friend after work (i seem to have a lot of old friends popping out of the woodwork lately, for the most part, this is a good thing) and caught up on the last 2 yrs or so of each others lives, gossiped about people we know from high school and talked about the black hole that is long island, or as we half fondly refer to it "back at home".

i then proceeded to have a tipsy conversation with my mom about my least favorite family members, in which the alcohol prompted me to say things i usually try to hold back...oh well...at least she sort of agrees with me...and understands....

and i'm still drinking....ha....i should probably be doing something about dinner, and about all the dishes in my sink...i'll pay someone $20 to come wash them - no really, i'll actually pay you $20 to come wash my dishes for me, that's how much they need to get done and how much i just don't want to do them.

there really is no point to this blog at all...so i'm going to go attempt to write a character bio....

are you fucking kidding me

who the fuck does this bitch think she is? i am SO SICK of these crazy fucking people....seriously...they are the ones who need to be stopped...ugh...

stupid crazy bitch


ha, i just realized that Nirvana's "rape me", while very fitting for the article, is probably not the most appropriate office music...at least not at the volume i had it at...oops...

the cough from hell

My infamous cough is attemping to make a comeback...i knew I hadn't seen the last of it for this season, it's appearance in January wasn't up to it's usual rib wracking par. And like an idiot, I continue to smoke....

I think I can beat it before it reaches it's peak though...time to start chugging the Robtistusen.

are you ready?

That has been the theme of the weekend, and yeah...I am.

Part 1: Do you want fries with that relationship?

The only customers in Blue 9 after midnight, over fries:

S: I was thinking that I want you to be my girlfriend
C: Ok
S: Are you sure?
C: Yeah
S: Ok
C: So then I'm your girlfriend?
S: Yeah.

And it was simpler to say than I thought it'd be. There was no knot in my stomach, no weight tumbling down onto my shoulders, and this was unfamiliar to me. Instead, there was a sort of hesitant giddiness.

And while I'm still surprised to find myself here right now, I'm happy, and excited, and curious and comfortable. Not as freaked out as I thought I'd be, or at least not in the same way.

For me, the label, the words, "relationship" and "girlfriend" had become associated with the cage I locked myself in when I locked myself to M, and with the emotional train wreck of a fight I had to put up to get myself out of that cage.

I didn't realize until mid-today that it was that association I was really afraid of, and that I know I have no reason to fear that now, and that is what made it easy to say.

What freaks me out now though, is tricky to explain . I have a new layer of trust and vunlerability issues that I didn't have before. I'm kind of gun-shy, afraid to get too close, too attached, to fall too hard too fast.

But I only have so much control over that...because I am falling...hard...

I think it will be ok. It feels right. Which is also something I'm unfamiliar with, and in a way, makes it that much scarier. But, I really think it will be ok. I think it will be good.


Quote of the weekend, part 1:
S: We don't have good L Word names.

Maybe that's a good thing...


Part 2:



Finally got my tattoo. And I think it took me until today to get it for a reason. Timing, is everything. And it can be so so strange. A week before my birthday, 5 years to the day my dog died (who was my very first best friend, my sidekick, my sibling, my partner in crime, my confidant, my comfort, seriously I loved that dog more than I've loved some people, she was a person to me), and on the brink of a new adventure. It's only fitting.

Much like my first, I chose to have these words needled into my flesh permanently to remind me of things I never want to forget. My first one, in the shape of a flame reads "il corragio di songare" - "the courage to dream" in italian. I got it after a life widening semester abroad, and right before my senior year of college. Somehow I knew I'd need those words there at the end of that year, to get me through the tedious, competitive, often discouraging years to follow. The years I'm still trying to get though. The flame is for creation - the power inherent in it, and needed to sustain it, for life and light and passion. My passion for what I do. For what I want to do. It is a flame that will never go out, and so I will always need the courage to face the obstacles that will try to get in the way of my dreams.

My new one, "InvokeProvokeEvoke" is my life mantra. I came across it at the age of 15. They are symbolic of what I want to put out into the world and what I want to get back from it, on all levels, in all areas of my life. They too will remind me to stay on track, to not give in, to never compromise the things that are the most important to me, to never stop learning and trying to teach, to never stop listening and seeing, speaking and showing. To get back what I put out, to put out my all and never settle for anything less.

I actually watched the process this time and it was amazing. It took my mind off the pain a bit, as the very nice tattoo guy, C-Jay said it would (also weird, as my childhood nickname, which half my family and a few old friends still call me by are my first two initials, CJ). I watched the needle pierce my flesh and leave a trail of ink in it's wake. The ink spattered and mixed with the droplets of blood smearing across my skin, which was growing redder and puffier by the second. But none of that bothered me the way I would have expected it to. I was too fascinated to watch and feel it happen. I needed to see with my own eyes and feel in my nerve endings this symbolic change take place. The physical manifestation of the recent shifts within. It hurt, but not as much as I expected it to. And so for the second time this weekend, I surprised myself by being able to handle more than I expected.

I had a very good weekend.


Quote of the weekend part2:

tattoo guy: Are you ready?
me: Yeah, I am.

Fiction

Blowing off going out, with two different sets of people, to stay home, work on my web page, and write...as much as I'd like to see my old friend, I'd rather have some chill one on one catch up time than going out with the group, and (sorry Matty) I really just don't feel like going out tonight.

I need the catharsis of creating. I want to build characters, invent circumstances, test out ideas, start figuring out what works and what doesn't. I'll find my way through fiction. (semi-fiction?, my version of controlled reality?)

Being a filmmaker, or a storyteller of any kind, is, in some form, playing god. And in a way, so's editing. Sometimes I think it's funny that these are the two things I'm drawn to most. It's my inner control freak.

A little worried about someone I care for deeply (even tho I'm probably overreacting, being oversensitive as I tend to be when it comes to her, she has after all been my hero for as long as I can remember), and resenting my lack of control - I can't play god in reality. So tonight I'll find my way through fiction.

Long Lunch

In the midst of chatting about relationships, life, pot and urban outfitters, Annie and I totally lost track of time, and took an accidental extended lunch. And that was with out my trip to the bank...oops. Came back to chaos, a ten minute conversation about the logistics of making tapes with in the the confines of time and priority level - which it turned out we didn't even need to make - and everyone asking me for different things at the same time, all of which will have to wait for the Naomi output to finish. Since her output takes over most of the equipment we have, this buys me an hour to sort out and prioritize the rest of the list, and to write this blog. Ha.

I'm always so ready to go home, or just do something different after lunch. I miss half days. That was such a good idea. I can't wait til early Fridays kick in for the summer....


On a different note:

It's kind of strange and funny to realize that the person you're currently infatuated with, is, in some ways, the compilation of all your adolescent crushes.

I'm listening to David Gray, and taking his advice:

"Let go your heart
Let go your head
And feel it now"

Update

Emergency quote of the day update:


Annie: You are my savior.
Annie: Not Christ.
Me: lol, ok, that so makes quote of the week.
Annie: Hahaha.
Annie: Quote of the week bitches!
Annie: Not day!



Haha. Nice.

can't think of a title

Spent the last half an hour catching up with a long lost friend, via i.m., who was there for one of the bigger formative phase of my life. She was one of my Florence roommates, and one of the many people I lost touch with during Maria-gate (thanks Matt, for the phrase). It's strange how you can not talk with someone for so long and then pick up right where you left off. Both of our lives have seen turmoil and renewal in the past few months...in very similar ways...We did the surface level catch up, the headlines w/o the details...which will have to wait for a time that's not the middle of the work day, and include some alcohol....Reminisced about random photographs and the group trip to Interlaken (or however you spell it). I love the fact that my bonds w/my favorite Florence girls, will never be broken by time or distance....

I still can't get over the timing of things in my life. I still can't get over the fact that I feel happy. I'm not used to it after feeling unsettled, uneasy, and trapped for so long....I'm trying to ignore my ambivalence, born out of the fear of ever feeling that way again. Trying not to project the past onto the future. I like this feeling, these feelings, that I'm feeling now. I like getting a dazed smile on my face mid cigarette break, prompting Matt to say, "You're thinking about Sabrina right now aren't you?" Yeah, it freaks me out. But I like it. :)


Quotes of the day:

Rhi: I'm really looking forward to my date with Shaun*
Me: Aw, that's good.
Rhi: But I still wanna sleep with Adam*

*names have been changed, hehe.


Annie: I'm a winner!!!

Annie: DUE!!!


Yes Annie, you are a winner.....

And now I should go back to actually doing my job for the last half an hour I'm here today.

note to self:

do not freak out.


being on the same page, is a very good thing.

pranzo

I'm glad I actually, finally, started taking lunch. It makes the second half of the day that much easier to make it through. Especially days like today, which is dragging on forever...

Quotes of the day:

Matty: "I can't bust out all my moves with someone grinding all up on me - I need a little room"

(somehow, this makes me picture him break dancing or something, which would be hysterical and amazing)

Matty: "Do you have any more gum?"
Me: "No, there was just salad stuck in my tooth"


Me: You're gonna have you, buy from yourself?
Rhi: Exactly.
Rhi: With someone else's money.
Rhi: Does it get any better than that?


No, it doesn't. I need to find a way to implement that. If it works for you Rhi, I might try to make you buy from me with someone else's money. Once you/we actually raise that money...

I want to re-learn my italian. Voglio recordare mi italiano perche un giorno voglio avere un abitazione a Positano o Amalfi e un lussuoso apartamento qui.

Yeah, all that grammar is probably so so wrong....

I love how distracted I am today.

kidnapped

Kidnapping someone is fun. I thoroughly enjoyed my weekend and the girl I spent it with. In 30-something hours we managed to do 8 hrs of actual work, watching (and cutting) Jeremy Piven spout very funny and often very random shit for the Entourage web promo. Almost got my tattoo...but then decided to wait til tomorrow-ish....ha. This week, for sure tho.

Quotes of the weekend (that I can actually remember):

"I smell like sex, I need to shower. Ooo, does that make quote of the week?"

"Oh my god I'm your hooker!"


It feels nice to feel happy. I want it to stay.

blog #4

As promised...only I'm home now...finally...and so so tired. But it's all good, b/c now I can do what I wanted to do all day: smoke, work on my script/characters a little, and go to bed and build my dreams. The first time I smoked with Matt, as I was leaving to go back to my room, he told me to build my dreams. I told him he needed to explain. He said that when he smokes before sleeping, he lays in that half asleep/half awake place and can control, or build, his dreams. And it's true, I tried it that night and it was awesome. That, is some of the best advice I've ever gotten, b/c even though he probably didn't mean it on any kind of deeper level at the time, it still applies. I've been building my dreams, first in my head, and then in reality since I was a little kid. So far, it's been going pretty well. I haven't tried to build my sleeping dreams high in a while. But tonight seems like a good night for it. Building my dreams in my head, will help me build my dreams in reality.



One final quote of the day, which I can't believe I forgot about until now:

I walk into work this morning to find a box of tapes, cc'd masters back from Hallmark, sitting on my chair.

Me: Doesn't this go up to Greg?
Lisa: No! (she's not his biggest fan...not this week at least...) We need to find a very safe place to keep those.

I look around the already over crowded office.

Me: Where the hell is that going to be?
Lisa: Under your desk...they'll have to get through your legs to get to them....haha

I love that we have the same sense of humor. She also said that she thinks she should just become a lesbian today. Apparently the whole post-divorce dating thing still isn't going her way....

Quote of the Day

The identities of the parties involved in this conversation are being censored for their privacy.

A: All these weird muscles hurt. But different ones than when I was with *****
B: New situation, new muscles.
A: Yeah, I forgot what a pain in the ass this was when I first started with *****
B: Figuratively.
A: Ha, and literally...
B: HaHa.
A: But we never really got too far with that.
B: Figuratively....
A: ....and literally.....

Much laughter ensues.

B: Haha, let's see if we can keep this up....
A: ....figuratively....


Hahahaha.

Yeah...blog #3 for today....half the office is gone and I have to stay late...keep a lookout for blog #4......

office karaoke

My boss has left early to pick up her kids for the second day in a row. Yesterday was too hectic for me to really enjoy this...but today, the madness from the morning has calmed down a bit, leaving me enough time between doing the things i have to do, to have my own little sing along in my now-private office.

For some reason, I've started going through my rock phase again. It's my Lauren music sort of. A lot of our old cigarette songs. Since the break up I've been re-living various pre-relationship phases of my life...it's been interesting. Like I needed all the pieces alone first, before I could put the whole picture back together again. Admittedly, some of the motivation behind this current musical phase is the anger that still lingers from the relationship. It's been on my mind lately. From talking with other people about it, to picking my script back up....she always said she was afraid I'd write about her someday. At the time, i didn't understand why, but now I do....and she was right to be worried....she's not going to like this at all....ha.


Totally random.

This is the email I received from a co-worker a few minutes ago:

Subject: good excuse for not coming into work

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
She is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today "

My head is all over the place and I'm in such the bloging frenzy today...but I have to go back to work and re-acquainting myself with my old favorite chords/lyrics from Bush, Nirvana and friends.

voicemails

I love the random voicemails my friends/family leave me on my cell phone. Somehow, the little computer woman inside my phone has become the confidant/therapist/test audience for everyone I know...probably b/c they're used to not actually reaching me....and leave their life on my machine for me to pick up and catch up when I can. They'll also leave me the occasional threats/emotional pleas to entice me to call them back as soon as possible. These make me laugh, I love it. Don't worry guys, I'm not going all m.i.a. again, ever, really, I promise. You just have to deal with my usual too busy schedule and occasional anti-social attitude :)

Today's quote of the day, is for now, from Alex, just b/c she finally fucking called me back, (she's worse than I am, really...well, ok I guess we take turns...). The best part about it tho, is that she called 10am, my time, making it 7am her time. So, after a week of not calling me back, she calls first thing in the morning, and when I'm at work. That's my Al.

The ho monkey's (long story that I don't even remember all of)message:
"Slutty!! Hi it's me, I don't have to work today b/c they let me off early, haha, I don't have to work at that shitty place every again. I hope you're doing something fun tonight but if you're not, get on a plane and come here and drink green beer with me. Talk to you soon!"

I'd so love to get on a plane and come drink green beer w/you Al, but, I have to work, til god knows when tonight.... What else is new? I do need to get my ass out there again tho.

cannonball

I really don't feel like being at work today. I'm cranky for as yet unidentifiable reasons, which is driving me crazy...and I've been half zoned out all day but way too busy to do it properly. I want to go home, and chill, and have some time alone inside my head. But that's not gonna happen til much much later on tonight. Oh well. Like I told a friend earlier today, some day (like my favorite t- shirt) I will be where I dream of being today, and it will make everything today worth it. Some day.


I need some time alone in my head.

I'm borrowing your song Sabrina. It's a good one - been listening to it all day. (It's funny, the songs, among other things, my boss and I like in common, that woman will never cease to surprise me...)


" Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each
Still I can't say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know"

Competition

I think it's funny that now my friends are competing for the quote of the day. Here are today's finalists (so far):

Lauren: I don't want him to think I'm just a drunk hoebag, you know?

Laurs, you'll always be more than a drunk hoebag to me.


Matty has two.

1) His amazing re-enactment of my love life at lunch after proclaiming that "you guys have seen too many lesbian movies, there's always some scene where they sit around and over analyze everything, you know that scene is in Kissing Jessica Stein". He then proceeded to act out such a scene. Nicely done. Ha.

2) She's definitely giving you the go-a-"head".

That one may be today's favorite...


Oh and on a totally random note, it's weird to watch someone you went to college with compete on the Amazing Race with her mom...esp when you're really high while you're watching it....very weird....I hope they win though.

Back to work.

Attatched....

....i am. (ha and i'm also apparently speaking like Yoda). The timing of things in my life is so so strange....this was not supossed to happen now, but it is, so i'm not freaking out, and i'm rolling with it, because that's the only thing to do when it feels right, which it does.

Finally got back to my script, and it felt good. It could be good. I'm getting excited.


Quote of the day goes to Matty:

Matt: There's coot, behind the bush!
Me: Hahaha
Matt: Ha, that's probably one of the only times I've said something like that unintentionally.

(I was standing near this potted tree thing, smoking, when he walked up to meet me)

I should be sleeping...so that's what I'm going to go do...

monday monday

I don't know if today moved fast just because I missed an hour of it - if that's the case, i think i should roll into work at 10:30 everyday. But then I'd be like Annie's office nemesis...the wonderful N.G. And since I don't want to be compared to her, I guess I'll stick with my usual 9:15 arrival time (ok, ok, let's just say somewhere between 9 and 9:30). Speaking of Annie, here's her latest quote of the day:

"Yeah, you dove headfirst into that one...literally!"

Nice, very nice. Look for her up and coming hit single (which she'll be writing this evening) "I Call You Every Monday Night For Sex". Looking forward to it Annie. I'm sure Mr. Shoots is too....

Random tourist story of the day:

Me and Matt are taking our usual cigarette break when he smiles in amused disbelief over my shoulder. Walking down the street is a pack of about seven middle aged ladies...all wearing seafoam green Statue of Liberty hat/tiara things. I wish I had a camera. Even my crappy phone camera would have done it. But, sadly, my cell was up at my desk, so the image is captured in my memory alone. It was hard enough not to laugh when they walked by the first time, but when they doubled back, looking lost and confused and ended up asking Matt and I for directions (to the WTC of course...) I had to bite my lip to keep from cracking up.


On a more personal note, after the turbulent chaos of the last year and a half, I had forgotten that liking someone is supposed to be fun. Thank you, (you know who you are) for reminding me.

"I've seen the look in your eye
I've seen you wondering why
There's a centre of gravity
Brings you near to me
Nearer all the time

And I'm petrified
Hypnotised
Every time you walk by
And I can't get you
Out of my
Mind"
-Aqualung, "Can't get you out of my mind"

quote of the day

Me: How's Dustin?
Annie: Good he got his hair cut and now he looks like George Clooney.
Me: Haha.
Annie: He went to Ali. Ali did him good.

Pause

Annie: So did I.

Laughter

Me: The most amazing things are coming out of your mouth this week Annie.

Annie get's a smirk on her face, goes to say something, bites her tounge.

Laughter.

Matt: She set you up for that one.
Me: You should've just said it.


I love my friends.

heavy

I'm not sure how this happened/is happening....but I'm glad it is.

"Now I've come to cry
Shed your skin to rest my naked eye
And criticize
All that I implore
Seems to be one foot outside that door
Coming between me and waking

Underneath the corset of your mystery
Piece by piece undress you from your history
I'm sleeping with seclusion in sweet disarray

You can go heavy on me
And I will not weigh you down, down, down
You can be steady and clean
I can take it
Heavy on me
And I will not weigh you down

Born unto this pride
Silence is something you can't hide
You can't deny us
Nothing has been said
Yet so many words have filled my head
Now they completely surround me

Tie the lines of honest conductivity
Caught between the center of our gravity
I don't have that much time to burn anymore

Underneath the corset of your mystery
Piece by piece undress you from your history
I'm sleeping with seclusion in sweet disarray

You can go heavy on me
And I will not weigh you down, down, down
You can be steady and clean
I can take it
Heavy on me
And I will not weigh you down"
-Holly Brook, Heavy

searching for Tony Danza

For some reason, the episode of "Naomi's New Morning" (ugh) that I'm working on today was shot incredibly out of order, runs pretty long, and the script notes are all over the place. I thought I was nearly done with the line cut when I realized I was still missing the Tony Danza segment...the one they're not sure if they're even going to use b/c they're obsessed with this Father Bill guy and rather have him prattle on for most of the hour instead...but I digress...When I did finally find the segment, I also found my favorite Naomi moment of the week: They're talking about aging (Tony was apparently voted sexist grandparent recently) and Naomi gets up, leans over Tony (half shoving her breasts in his face) and starts darting her head around checking out the top of his head. She then puts her hand on the back of his neck and tries to push his head down, calling to the cameras to move in for a close up of his still full head of hair...all of this while Tony is trying not to lose the thread of the story he's in the middle of. He actually has to push her hand off him and tell her to leave his hair alone. It was great. I wanted to hug him. Every time I see Tony Danza actually, all I can think about is that Friends episode where Joey thinks the lyrics to the Elton John song are "Hold me closer Tony Danza". Haha. This moment now rivals my earlier Naomi favorite of the week, where her and Patti Labelle have a discussion about relating to the "regular" people. If I haven't told you that story, remind me to.


On a very different note, I hate this neighborhood on the weekends. Now that it's getting nice out, the tourists are swarming around in herds, and they annoy the hell out of me. It's not so much that they're tourists...sure I avoid Times Square and Macy's at all costs b/c of them...but they don't piss me off as much up there. I know their presence is vital to the city's economy, and I've been a visitor in too many other cities to be hypocritically judgmental. It's different up there though. When they're filming the signs in Times Square, taking pictures of themselves in front of the Empire State building, sure they get in the way, but it's all ok, b/c that's what those places are for. They're meant to be exciting and fun. But when they carry that light-hearted attitude down here....See, I work a block and a half from Ground Zero (which is a term I don't even like to use...even the words have taken on a connotation that doesn't sit right with me - maybe I've just heard them used too many times as a political play for power, or like it's some sort of tragic theme park or bad action movie). I hate when these out of towners come down here and treat my city's gaping wound, this mass grave, like it's something they need to fit in before lunch and a quick spin on the circle line. They think coming here makes them patriotic, they think it justifies their vote to a president who claims to defend democracy in it's name while he simultaneously tramples the very essence of true democracy, making him the real anti-patriot.

I understand the need to see, and to understand. But it's the tone in the air, or rather the lack of one. As a kid, I went on tons of class trips to D.C. and we'd always go to Arlington. Before going in, we'd get the lecture about having respect for where we were about to set foot, about the weight of meaning it carries and why. It amazes and disturbs me that a bunch of 12 year olds - filled with the excitement of being away from their parents, staying in their very own hotel rooms, all on the brink of hormonal explosion - could grasp the gravity of death and war and how to treat it appropriately more than the adults I see down here every day. I wish I had some machine I could plug them into, where they would see what I saw, and feel what I felt that day. And what it was like for months after...Everyone that experienced that day could plug their memories in, and we'd make it mandatory for each person to experience at least 3 clips before they're allowed anywhere near the site. That, maybe, would teach them a little more respect.

what a fucking beautiful day

cigarettes $6.75
coffee $1.00
notebook $don't remember
ipod $christmas present

spending the last 2 hrs daydreaming in the park near my house - priceless.


took today off for an appointment that ended up getting cancelled anyway. somehow, something out in the universe seems to know exactly what i need right now and is throwing it my way. it's strange and amazing. i am getting what i need, from inside and out, to build up the defenses, the immunities, that i've been trying to strengthen and the time i need to grow from the wisdom of hindsight, to move beyond and above. in every aspect of my life.

got a text from the ex, saying that as of today she's blocking me from her email and phone. instead of the getting-under-my-skin threat i'm sure she meant it to be, i found this hysterically amusing. she is the one who's spent the past months incessantly texting, emailing and calling me, all of which i've been determinedly ignoring. just like in our fucked relationship, i am not the problem here. and, the best part, is that i really don't care. the message was deleted the moment it was received and not thought of again until right now, and will not be thought of again hereafter. i like this new freedom of not caring. it feels good to move on. i am feeling back to normal again, and nothing can shake me now.

"no matter which way you go
no matter which way you stay,
you're out of my mind"


In other news, I seem to have acquired yet another nick name...a variation on an old theme...thank you annie...And speaking of friends responsible for some of my more creative nicknames, Lauren might come down for my birthday! I have gone way too long w/o a little laurs in my life, so that would be fucking awesome.

My life is finding it's way back on track. And it's a fucking beautiful day.

painfully honest - redux

The past, melts, into the present, melting into the future. The span of this movement, this melding of time is an instantaneous eternity. It happens in seconds and takes years.

Spent the last two nights creating new memories in the midst of sharing old ones. And wondering how, and if, it's possible to start a new foundation on ground that is still littered with errant piles of rubble from the previous fallout. Can you move boulders and lay cement at the same time? Will the contractors charge me more for that? Do I have the money and the tools? And are the boulders too heavy to move? Do I have to chisel them down to manageable pieces? Sculpting statues to the past, throwing them ceremoniously to the rocks, watching the pieces shatter, releasing their power. I'd never invested so much, and I'd never built anything that monumental to have it cave in on me before (largely out of the innate fear of the fallout) and while I've managed to clear away a lot more of the rubble than I ever thought I could by now ("moving at a clip" as my wonderful therapist put it), I still question the resources at my disposal to start again.

See, M.'s love consumed me like a fire. I was too enthralled with the power and beauty of the flames, to realize how badly I was getting burned. I have just recently learned how to shake off my wariness from that freshly healed wound. And am now trying to understand the new insecurities that come with it.


All of that, is the scary part.


But, like you said, there is an ease, a connection of familiarity, that is impossible to ignore. And even in wondering how exactly we got here and where the hell we're going, that same pull will still be there. To sit and share with someone you feel like you've known much longer than you actually have is incredible.

"the newness. the uncertainty. the chaos of this totally terrifies me. but it also totally turns me on. it's good to feel light again. to get to know someone again. to live. " that, is exactly how i feel. no expectations, or pressure. wherever it goes.

My past, present and future have all been bumping into each other this past month. And somehow, I think that could be a good thing.

Since I'm forever obsessed with song lyrics, an old favorite, that always comes back into my life, different and more appropriate than it was the time before.

"Taffy stuck, tongue tied
Stuttered shook and uptight
I am
colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am...fine"

painfully honest

Ok. Today, as promised, the title does not cover everything. There isn't a title that could, even if I tried (and believe me, I did).

But. It's too early. I can't actually write the rest of what this will be right now. I'm not even sure if I know what the rest of this is going to be yet. It's all still a vague jumble of words floating around in my head. I need coffee and some time. So for now, to match the jumble of words in my head, is a jumble of other peoples words. I really will write more later tho. Promise.


"i'm proud of the fact that i'm worse than i seem"

" If dreams are like movies then memories are films about ghosts
You can never escape, you can only move south down the coast
Well I am an idiot walking a tightrope of fortune and fame
I am an acrobat swinging trapezes through circles of flame
If you've never stared off into the distance then your life is a shame
And though I'll never forget your face Sometimes I can't remember my name
..........
Well all the blue light reflections that color my mind when I sleep
And the lovesick rejections that accompany the company I keep
All the razor perceptions that cut just a little too deep
Hey, I can bleed as well as anyone but I need someone to help me sleep
So I throw my hand into the air and it swims in the beams
It's just a brief interruption of the swirling dust sparkle jet stream
Well I know I don't know you and you're probably not what you seem
Aw, but I'd sure like to find out, So why don't you climb down off that movie screen"

" I won't mistake you for problems with me
I won't let my moods ruin this you'll see
I won't take everything good and move it away
I won't be left dancing along to songs from the past
would you stay home and keep our memories warm with me
would you give all your love for a run at the past with me
I know you're sad even though you say that you're not
I know you're scared even though you say that you're not
I won't get mad when you say things are getting too hard
I won't make all of your love so scared to come through our yard
I won't scream in my head and let it isolate me
I won't be left dancing alone to songs from the past
I know you're sad even though you say that you're not
I know you're scared even though you say that you're not"



"there's beauty in the breakdown"

still smiling

and for the second time this week, the title pretty much covers it. haha.

pieces of other conversations

From Annie's recent blog:

"T he very first time I watched the Oscars was in sixth grade. I was home sick with the flu.

Whoopi Goldberg concluded the show by saying, "And for that kid sitting at home saying, 'Someday one of those is gonna be mine.' Kid, you better believe it!"

My life was forever changed. Seriously. I made a decision that night that would affect the rest of my life.

I was twelve. I wanted to be a film director."

My response:

"I remember that show with Whoopi Goldberg, I too have watched the Oscars since I was a little kid, and when she said that, it gave me the chills - i may have even teared up....i've been working on my acceptance speech ever since. (although, I think I'd really like a spirit award...the indie kids are more my vibe...and who doesn't want to party with John Waters?)"

I still tear up any time someone makes one of those "don't give up your dreams, hang in there, they all said I couldn't do it and now I'm here, thanks for supporting me through the rough years mom" speeches. But I'm getting tired of waiting for my turn. Why can't I just be famous already? (and you know, have the respect of my peers and a feeling of personal success that isn't based on outside superficial factors like popularity and all that "important" shit). Ok. I may be being overly ambitious and presumptuous - but being anything else wouldn't be being me- and I'm already out of patience and feeling like I'm done "paying my dues". Seriously, I'm ready for someone to give me the budget I want to make the film(s) I want to make. I'm ready for people to seek me out for my editing skills instead of me trying to find the time to cut some free indie shit to build up my reel. I'm ready to answer the phone when the Weinstein bros. call. Like Annie, I've been planning, waiting and ready for this for most of my life. I've been working on my award acceptance speech since I was 10, and I'm ready to get up there and give it already.


Today's conversation with Rhiannon:

rhi: but first...
rhi: you have to write my about me thing
rhi: then edit my movie
rhi: and finish joy and jeremy's wedding
rhi: and that other one
rhi: and i'm sure there's other things too
me: i did finish joy and jeremy's wedding
rhi: i know
rhi: but it made the list longer
me: lol
me: thanks
me: you're awesome
rhi: people should pay $ to listen to our witty banter

If people were willing to pay money to listen to us Rhi, it'd mean that we were famous to some degree already. And then we wouldn't be bitching about wedding videos.

It goes beyond the fun (but yes, kind of petty) dreams of fame though. Right now, it just comes down to the fact that I'm getting tired of having to prove myself in ways that I feel I've already overcome. I'm tired of the repetition. I want a new challenge. I know what I'm capable of and I'm tired of chasing it down and convincing other people. I don't care that I'm only 24 and that I look even younger. My age is irrelevant.

blissful confusion

yeah...for now, the title pretty much covers it

ah the weekend...

"The stand-alone element crescent is representative of the female and is completed with its male counterpart, represented by the floating divider. The moon is the most changeable of all celestial phenomena and represents the diverse programming offered each night for a varied local and international audience ready to experience NYC's nightlife"

This is how Element, the bar I've spent the past two Saturday nights in, describes itself. And it is a perfect way to describe the overall theme of my weekend. A balance between male and female, amidst the ever varying landscape of nyc nightlife. And for the fifth weekend in a row, yet another weird connection/piece of the past experience.

Friday night we trekked out to Brooklyn, for one of the only things that can actually get me out into a borough: the promise of a bar full of lesbians. And after an adventurous walk we found them, tucked into a bar on the edge of the water. Spending an evening surrounded by cute girls in a bar you could smoke in (!!) was well worth the trek. Before the bar, there were drinks at my apartment, where a new friend met an old friend - and this is where we get to this weekend's weird connection: My new friend is friends with (and almost brought over) my old friend's ex-boyfriend's previous ex-boyfriend. I don't know if that sentence even makes sense. But it's all really random and such an indicator of how small the world can really be. Really. The things and people that have been popping up lately, and the ways that they've been popping up in, all seem a bit improbable, and it's starting to freak me out - but in a good way.

I should have gone to work on Saturday, but decided that one day (today - Naomi is playing away in the background as we speak...) of work was enough for this weekend. Instead of work, I went and finally picked up my DVR box from Time Warner. This little box really better change my life the way everyone has been promising me it will, b/c going last minute on a weekend was a mistake. I knew I was in for a long afternoon when I walked in the door, got my number, 605, just as the loudspeaker guy called out the current number, 422. Half of Manhattan also decided that 4:00 pm on a Saturday was the perfect time to take care of what ever cable related errand they had to take care of and we all stood around together, staring each other down for the occasionally available sitting spaces. Two hours, 4 cigarettes, 5 phone calls, and 3 different sitting spaces later I finally got my turn at the desk with the to-cocky-for-someone-who-hands-out-cable-boxes-all-day-attitude frat boy kid, got my box and got the hell out of there. After all that (and the smelly old man next to me for the first hour), this DVR box better rock my world harder than Carmen in that little thong and garter belt gettup. Damn....

Then it was over to Annie's for drinks and then out with Matt for the male part of the weekend. (I owed him). After a few hours of playing wingman, dancing to house mixes of songs like "Sweet Child of Mine", and playing my new favorite game: try to tell the hot lesbians apart from the straight fag hags, it was time to go home.

It's been a pretty good weekend all in all. Looking forward to leaving work and seeing my first Richard Foreman show tonight with yet another new friend. I'm really enjoying this whole meeting new people thing. (endless possibilities, right annie? get to work on your book...i've been writing your intro in my head all week).

Moment of zen for the weekend:

Haha

alcohol kills germs

This is my favorite article of the day:

Boozing Through the Common Cold


This is a method I have been a firm believer in since my sophomore year of college. It goes hand in hand with my "Smoking clears up my sinuses for at least 10 full minutes after I put out the cigarette" cure. I gave new meaning to the term 'boozing your way through the common cold' my second semester junior year, when I was in Florence. I think I set a record for consecutive days of being both intoxicated and sick. The wine was cheap and good...what can I say...'when in Rome [or Florence]'...The whole city seems to be sick right now and no matter how many times my boss lysol's the office and the people in it, we'll all just keep infecting each other til spring comes. So we might as well have a good time doing it and drink up. I know that's what I'll be doing this weekend.

FUCK

Shit Rhiannon, that digging holes thing you wrote about earlier...yeah...I just fell into my own huge hole and it's my own damn fault and this sucks. I'm too intoxicated and too filled with emotion to even attempt at an analogy right now, so I'm not even going to try. I just realized, to it's fullest extent that "be careful what you wish for" thing.

Sitting in my apartment, listening to radiohead, wanting to turn it up, to drown myself in the sound until there's nothing else, not sure if I feel like crying or throwing something...this is a recently-old-new familiar feeling, but one I thought I was done with. Apparently I was wrong. I'm not entirely sure what to do with this right now. Who to call to talk it out with, if anyone at all. I want advice and I want to be left alone. I just don't want to feel this way. I thought I was done. I thought too soon. And I should have never looked in the first place. Don't even know why I did.

How is it that one second of one detail can bring on a flood of memories that hit you like a wall. Things that you worked hard to forget, to push away, to move back until your heart could handle their presence, they flood through you in the span of a moment, and leave you feeling lost and empty for countless moments after.

How can something be so true and so untrue at the same time? Such a clear declaration, and such a betrayal. And how is it a betrayal, when it was my decision in the first place? Because it was a decision I made b/c I had to. Because I had no other options left if I wanted to have any of myself left. Because no one knows what I know. And no one will ever know like I did.


Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

"She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love

But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run

And it wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out

And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time, all the time"
-Radiohead, "Fake Plastic Trees"




"please bleed
so i know that you are real
so i know that you can feel
the damage that you've done
who have i become
to myself i am numb"
-Ben Harper, "Please Bleed"