end of the week wisdom

it's been a long week....it's gonna be a long month i think. and so, while trolling youtube for l word clips to steal for my current project, i had the following thought:

"you know something in your life needs to change when you find yourself envying the lives of the l word ladies"

this i think, is excellent advice.

i don't know if it's my desire to be friends with alice or make out with dana/bette/carmen/occasionally helena, or just have a drink at the planet with tina and complain about what a stupid bitch jenny is, but this week i've found myself with an odd desire to be a part of this crazy little fictional world.

maybe bc they're this like whole group of lesbians that are all friends. i'd like one of those.

maybe bc they all seem to have enough money and time to drink endless cups of coffee and buy expensive dinners even when half of them wouldn't actually have that much money in real life (like the Friends crew...those ppl never worked, had fantasic apartments and spent most of their time drinking coffee).

maybe it was just bc i was watching the hysterical clip of the basketball showdown and they looked like they were having so much fun and i'm so so not having fun or forseeing any fun in the near future.

either way, sitting here just now, wishing i was talkin' shit to papi and passing alice the ball (no (rhi) that was not meant to be taken as innuendo, although she was very very cute last season) i realized that this is not a good sign. a subtle cry for help from somewhere in my brain, warning me that i need to find my own "lesbian basketball game" (in this case i was going for sort of a metaphor - i have no b-ball skills nor do i plan to aquire any - what i mean here is i need to find something to make me run around and laugh and enjoy life and get rid of whatever stupid mood/phase/whateverthefuck is going on lately and get back into the metaphorical "game" and get the fuck outta my head).

i have no idea how to do this. the things that weigh on my mind these days are things i have no control over. i can only control my action-reacation to them. perhaps getting a few more therapy sessions in is a good idea but i don't want to use the time and money.

so in the meantime i'm gonna replay my lesbian basketball clip to make me laugh, refill my coffee and go sit on the patio (the one and only cool thing about this work space) and smoke a cigarette to quiet my mind enough to have at least a somewhat productive day at work. and eventually, i'll figure it all out - this phase of my life, with constant change and transistion - eventually i'll figure out how to build my own foundation to keep my feet on the ground in deference to whatever hailstorm of job/family/relationship/life is happening around me.


and to make this even longer, some key quotes from my favorite clip of the day:



papi to bette: what are you doing rodeo drive?
bette (as she steals the ball): shopping bitch



bette: goddamnit we're losing
jenny: you're scaring me
bette (chucking ball at jenny's head): ball in!

papi: don't be mad brown barbie
bette: who the fuck you callin' brown barbie you fucking carmalita tropicana

Today's Letter is L

My last few days at CBS Interactive before my little "I'm off to cut a concert" hiatus have turned into an unsupervised L Word marathon and what a ride the last 8 hours have been. I've gone from Lust (Carmen! Oh Carmen, how I miss you on this show...seeing you again, in those little shorts...those cleavage revealing shirts...in that scene where you have that whole garter get up...sigh, I can barely contain myself, which is sad, as I'm at work) to Loss (Dana is dying of cancer, it's sad. I miss her on the show too, whoever thought it was a good idea to ditch these two in the same season should be fired) and back to Lust (Carmen! Shorts! Tits! Hot!). One minute I want to be having sex and the next I'm on the verge of bawling my eyes out. I think I need a valium just to level me out.

I want to go to Indonesia

as a result of my current cbs interactive gig, i spend a lot of time on youtube these days, doing all kinds of random searches for random bits and pieces of things to steal or be inspired by, or just to watch when i get bored. today, i stumbled across some ads made by the indonesian toursim board. and now i want to go. also, i could currently use a nap.

the magic of astrology

my horoscopes for today/this week amuse me.


"It's a wizardly day for you if you are willing to plunge fearlessly into the darkness. Your spells and enchantments can cook up an intense feast, yet it may be difficult for you to control the menu once you begin. Don't get distracted by your own personal tastes. The real power is in being able to let go of control. If you do, you will not fail."

learning how to gracefully let go of control is something i think i'll be trying to figure out for a long time to come....


"ARIES [March 21–April 19] In the Yaghan language of Tierra del Fuego, mamihlapinatapai is a word meaning "gazing into each other's eyes, each hoping that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start." If I'm reading the astrological omens correctly, you've been experiencing some version of this poignant deadlock lately. It may have made sense for you to refrain from making the first move up until now, but it no longer does. Get yourself in a generous mood and provide the jump-start you've both been hesitant to try."

figured my gf would appriciate that one. haha.

ok, ok

in response to the harassment regarding the fact that i haven't put anythng new here in a month or something like that....here is something, i'm putting here. i don't actually feel like writing a real blog, clearly, i haven't for some time...which does not mean, by any means, that i'm lakcing in thoughts or feelings or anything of the kind...it's exactly the opposite in fact...yet...i haven't felt like writing a blog for whatever reason...but, here, is something (and of course i chose song lyrics to be that something), do with it what you will (if u can tell me who said them all with out cheating and using google you get an as yet undtermined prize).


"try to see it once my way, everything zen, everything zen, i don't think so"

"got a machinehead better than the rest"

"i want to be the girl with the most cake"

"The storm is coming but I don't mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now."


"Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys."


"The world I love
The trains I hop
To be part of
The wave can't stop"

"We're too young to fall asleep
To cynical to speak
We are losing it
Can't you tell?

We scratch our eternal itch
A twentieth century bitch
And we are grateful for
Our iron lung "


if this is absolutley random and makes no sense i half apologize and i half don't really care, cuz i'm a bit drunk and the random-train-of-thought-ness makes sense to me at the moment.

"growing up, it was just me and my mom against the world.
and all my sympathies were with her when i was a little girl
and i've seen both my parents play out the hands that they were dealt
as each year goes by, i know more about how my father must have felt.

i just want you to understand that i know what all the fighting
was for, and i just want you to understand that i'm not angry anymore.
no, i'm not angry anymore.

she taught me how to wage cold war with quiet charm
but i just want to walk through my life unarmed.
to accept, and just get by like my father learned to do,
but without all the acceptance of getting by that got my father through

i just want you to understand that i know what all the fighting was for
and i just want you to understand that i'm not angry anymore.
no, i'm not angry anymore.

night falls like people into love
we generate our own light to compensate
for the lack of light from above.
every time we fight a cold wind blows our way,
we can learn like the trees, how to bend,
how to sway and say

i, i think i understand
what all this fighting is for,
and i just want you to understand
i'm not angry anymore.
no, i'm not angry anymore."

nicotine

owns me. i did good. really. i didn't smoke any cigarettes at all since 12:45 am tuesday night (wed morning? whatever). wed i was too doped up and slept all day and didn't care. thursday was a bit of a struggle but the threat of pulling out the stitches in my mouth and getting an infection helped solidify my willpower, today, was more of a struggle. i'm cranky as fuck, and i finally just gave in. i called the dentist this afternoon and asked them how bad it would really be if i smoked, just a little...the receptionist woman said "as i mother, i think you should just stop, but if you really can't, then put some gauze over the stitches and have a few puffs...you're gonna hang up right now and do that aren't you?" me: "no! i'm really gonna try, i just wanted to know just in case". and, i really did try, for 5 and a half more hours. but, finally, i just couldn't do it anymore. now i gotta go rinse with the salt water to dissenfect and heal and all that.....

oh, and, p.s. i'm sick of mushy food. really. i've made a pact with melis: if i'm ever so old that that's all i can eat, she will kavorkian me off a cliff or something, preferrably, with a cigarette in my mouth....